Healing from Narcissistic Abuse, Part One

Part One of a Series on Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is, by all accounts, traumatizing. The gaslighting, devaluing, coercive control, and other typical behaviors of the narcissist tend to put the target in a highly sensitized, unstable state where, over time, we may even stop recognizing ourselves. (See Why Targets of Abuse Find it Hard to “Just Leave” — the Impact of the Trauma Bond.)

Trauma tends to create feelings of cognitive dissonance, shame and doubt. Many types of trauma can bypass cognitive functions and lodge in the body, creating implicit memories that are not connected to narrative memory. Even short-term trauma can disrupt memory areas of the brain, creating a sort of protective amnesia where details aren’t remembered or tracked.

It’s common for targets of narcissistic abuse to have self-blaming beliefs and stories about the trauma that get reinforced by excessive rumination. Rumination is a function of the default mode network of the brain, which gets activated when we are not actively “on task” and focused in the present moment. This is not inherently a “bad” network in the brain, in that sometimes we need to let our minds wander and engage in introspection (among other things). But when over-activated, we can end up in a downward and sometimes paralyzing spiral of worst-case scenarios, anxiety and worry.

So what is needed, then, for healing? In general, those of us healing from relational trauma tend to benefit from ways to:

1. Safely experience our full and complete current emotional state, including body sensations, emotions, thought patterns, etc. without undue distress.
2. Learn ways to self-regulate our central nervous systems as difficult emotions and sensations arise.
3. Find and reinforce a story that creates an empowering narrative, without doing a “spiritual bypass.” That is, without suppressing, deflecting, or trying to convince themselves and others that “it’s all good.”
4. And sometimes, explore ways to get our central nervous systems more regulated without having to tell the story.

In the process of healing, it’s critical to work with someone who understands the issues. As I was surprised to learn early in my journey, not all therapists are sufficiently trained in relational trauma, and it is only now emerging as a specialty in the professional coaching world. We need to be sure to specifically ask the therapist, counselor or coach what their background and training is with narcissistic abuse. We don’t want someone who does any of the following:

1. Treats the abuse as a “compatibility” issue, a “bad break-up” or minimizes the pathological behavior of the abuser.
2. Interrupts key features of the healing process by trying to get us to “heal” quickly.
3. Makes us at all responsible for the actions of the abuser.
4. Mistakes the abuser as well-intentioned and communicates this to us.

And lastly, we need to be kind and gentle to ourselves in the healing process. This sort of relationship is tremendously disruptive to the core of who we are, and we each deserve to take the time and care it takes to find ourselves again.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Our relational trauma group coaching program starts fall 2022. Or contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is grateful to the experts in the field whose knowledge and kindness were critical to her own healing process.