For a Narcissist, Everything Eventually Loses its Shine

Bored people are cruel. ~ Renata Adler

There is a classic scenario, generally quite painful to targets of narcissistic abuse. You have finally had enough and leave or go “no contact.” The narcissist, with head spinning speed, finds someone else to provide their supply. In fact, it’s quite common there is even an overlap between you if the narcissist has any sense you may call it quits (or perhaps it is the reason you do so).

And as if this weren’t hard enough to deal with, it seems very much like the narcissist is giving this person everything they withheld from you. Were they neglectful? All of a sudden the narcissist can’t do enough for the other person. Did they put you down? You may see them bragging about how amazing this new person is on social media. #LuckyIFoundHer. Etc.

In intimate relationships, this looks like a new boyfriend or girlfriend (and perhaps all too quickly, spouse). With narcissistic parents, this can be a new favorite child, which may be their own or perhaps a substitute person who steps into a son or daughter role. If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, it might be the child(ren) of the new partner while the children you have together are neglected. With friends, it will look like a new BFF. In the workplace, the new perfect employee or leader.

While this is both painful and deeply unfair, it may help to know that this is always going to be a temporary situation, because everything loses its shine for a narcissist. To understand this more deeply, it helps to look at the neurotransmitter and hormone dopamine. Dopamine plays a role in many important body and brain functions, including movement, memory and motivation towards a perceived reward.

All humans tend to get an influx of dopamine with novel experiences–this is designed to help us learn and grow and engage with life. But there is emerging evidence that narcissists have dysregulation in terms of how they process dopamine. It seems to impact them more strongly and disappear more quickly, thus leading to more novelty-seeking behavior and less interest in sticking with things.

In relationships most of us transition from the “quick hit” feeling of dopamine to the more longer lasting and more subtle impact of chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin. These are not as exciting, but lead to long-lasting bonding and feelings of connection, safety and trust.

But narcissists are all about the rush. This drives their “love bombing” and the classic idealize- devalue-discard cycle. It’s also why there is a high degree of what psychologists call “co-morbidity” with narcissism–that is, other mental health issues such as addiction. Additionally, it can motivate narcissists to pick fights and try to get you riled up in an attempt to make things more interesting.

And of course, it’s why everyone and everything becomes tarnished to a narcissist. It has nothing to do with whether or not you were good enough, loving enough, attractive enough, or smart enough. It has nothing really to do with you, or the new person either. The one advantage the new person has is that they are new. That’s it. And as all things new eventually become old, you can bet the narcissist will get tired of them as well.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She hopes we all can learn not to take narcissistic behavior personally.