Welcome To “But Now I Know Your Name”

A blog about narcissism, neuroscience, and the transformative power of knowledge

In an old fairy tale from the Brothers Grimm, a miller brags that his daughter can spin straw into gold. The king hears of this and locks the girl up in a room filled with straw and a spinning wheel, telling her she will be killed if she cannot spin it into gold, but he will marry her if she can. The girl weeps over the straw until an imp appears. He spins the straw into gold for her, taking jewelry for payment the first two nights, until on the third night, he spins the straw first and then tells her he will take her firstborn child as payment this time.

She is aghast but hopes he will forget his demand. She marries the king, and when they have a child, the imp reappears, demanding its life. However, if the now queen can guess his name, he tells her she can keep the child. She tries to guess, to no avail. The imp gives her three days, and on the evening of the second she follows him into the woods, observing him leaping around the fire, shouting “the queen will never win the game, for Rumplestiltskin is my name!” When he returns the next day, the queen tells him his name, and he dissolves in fury, driving his right foot so far into the ground that he creates a chasm and falls into it, never to be seen again.

In 2019, when I was painfully extricating myself from a relationship with a malignant narcissist, a wise person recommended I think of him as the small, impotent person he really was, rather than the daunting ogre my traumatized nervous system had made him into. I remembered the story of Rumplestiltskin, and began to think of this person as a tiny, angry, red-faced imp, who would, eventually and inevitably, lose the game. And I reflected how much I had struggled in this relationship before I “knew his name,” that is, before I had understood I was dealing, not with a normal person and normal relationship issues, but with a classic personality disorder that could not and would not change.

This blog is dedicated to the power of knowing the name. Of knowing not only what we are dealing with, but what causes it. Of knowing the classic behaviors of narcissism and the impact they have on the target’s brain and nervous system. And of knowing how to move away (not only from the imp, but from the king and the miller as well), so that we can spin our own lives into gold.

About the Author

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

In the process of healing and need some support? Our relational trauma group coaching program starts January 2023. Or contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.