Don’t Be Afraid to Give Up

The strange power of embracing hopelessness.

Many of us are trained, socialized and rewarded to push through in life. Don’t give up is the cry. Quitters never win and winners never quit. Your attitude determines your altitude. Keep going! Hope springs eternal, etc. So why I am advising you to give up in narcissistic relationships? Why do I say there is power in embracing hopelessness?

Because, to put it bluntly, the narcissist is not going to change. Accepting this can be hard, but it is truly the only way to your freedom. Which brings us to the power of hopelessness. The truth is, some things are hopeless. They just are. And when we cling to hope — as much as we are told that this is what we should do — it can be a strategy for avoiding the truth. Staring full in face of what is hopeless, when it truly is, is actually liberating.

There have been a few times in my life when the only way to move on was to admit that the situation was hopeless. I remember when I was 17 and losing my hair due to alopecia (if you don’t know me well, you may not know I have worn wigs for most of my adult life, and yes, aren’t they generally fabulous?). I kept saying to myself “It can’t get any worse.” And then it did. I’d lose more hair. And I’d say to myself “It’s going to grow back now.” And then it wouldn’t. My hair got thinner and thinner until it was basically gone within about 6 months.

I felt like my life was on hold as I simply couldn’t face what was happening. I dropped out of high school and isolated myself as I kept hoping, hoping, HOPING it would change. I wouldn’t talk about it, I pretended it wasn’t happening. And then at one point I realized I simply had to face the fact that my gorgeous thick reddish brown hair was NOT going to grow back any time soon. It was hopeless, and it as time to face this. My mom helped me get a wig, I enrolled in college, and I moved on. It was liberating. Granted, it was also sad, but I was no longer stuck and therefore could actually begin to heal.

The same was true of the narcissistic relationship that inspired this blog. Every part of me did NOT want to face that the truth about the person I had been sure I was spending the rest of my life with. The one who had told me I was his soul mate. My partner and co-owner of my house. I did not want to see him for the destructive force he was. And thus, like many targets of narcissistic abuse, I tried to turn myself into a pretzel to fit the situation and “hopefully” make things work.

But at some point, I had to face that he simply was not going to change, and as much as I didn’t want to see it, things were not getting better, as I had been telling myself. They were getting worse and worse, I was feeling less myself, and since the relationship was clearly not going to change, something else had to. I had to give up and move on, even though this meant facing a huge loss and disruption. The truth was, it was hopeless. Again, this was deeply sad and difficult, but also, liberating.

I want to add that the energy of hopelessness is best used sparingly. I’m not suggesting that we should no longer hope for anything. That we shouldn’t try and even keep trying. And yet, I have started to see that there are often times when the courageous thing to to is to say “you know what? This job, relationship, project, etc. is HOPELESS.” And face that bravely so that you can move on.

Hopelessness can be strangely liberating, because as long as we are hoping, we are saying, in effect, “this current situation isn’t it. There is something wrong and I am hoping it will get better or be different.” From one perspective, embracing hopelessness looks like giving up. But from another, it actually points us to unconditional love. To love what is in front of us right here, right now, giving up the need that it change. In this sense, accepting and embracing hopelessness can be a radical act.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She nows sees hopelessness as a powerful partner, one that is incredibly useful at times.

You Were Made for These Times

you were made
for these times
although
on some grey mornings
when news is a
drumbeat
of despair
you may think
there is no way
you are strong enough
smart enough
committed enough
or paying
enough attention
the truth is
you were made
for these times

consider
how long you’ve worked
to filter your own
reactions
discerning the critical
difference
between something
wounded from the past
and shit that simply
isn’t ok
in the present

consider
how you’ve learned
to move beyond
your own safe circle
of familiar companions
to create hardened steel bands
of connected community
encircling the globe

consider
how you’ve spoken up
voice trembling
because something
was important
realizing that people
wanted to hear
your words
each new time
gaining clarity
wisdom
and grace

consider
your relationship with
disappointment
your ability
to get up once again
when it didn’t
go the way
you intended

consider
for a moment
how you much you love
and are tuned
to love
never forgetting
you also have
the fierceness
of a warrior’s
heart

you
my beloveds
were made for these times

~Ann Betz

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She tries to remember that she, too, was made for these times.

Five Things to Say When Someone is Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is recovering from narcissistic abuse, so all too often well-meaning people default to platitudes, ill-informed opinions, or even advice that the person doesn’t want or need at the time.

Even is the intent is to be kind, some questions and comments can make the target feel like they are not believed or understood. If we want to be supportive, what, then, do folks really want to hear? Here are a few thoughts:

ONE: What do you need? Best not to assume you know. It might be emotional support, it might be a safe place to stay, it might be help finding a lawyer, job, etc. I also think it can be helpful to ask this more than once, because a) needs change and b) the person may get more comfortable sharing if they know you really mean it.

TWO: If you want to talk about it, I’m here. If you don’t want to talk about it, I’m here. Sometimes targets need to share about what happened, and sometimes it feels like too much. Being supportive means being sensitive to whether talking about it causes stress to the person or helps them process.

THREE (if they want to talk and process): What was hard for you in this relationship or situation? When we ask this sort of question, the person tends to feel believed and validated. The assumption is that there must be legitimate reasons for the break. Reflecting on this with a caring listener also helps them make sense of things.

FOUR: You didn’t cause this and you didn’t deserve it. Often in the healing process, targets tend to doubt and even blame themselves. Supportive friends reminding us that no, it was not our fault can be a helpful counterpoint to the internal dialogue.

FIVE: I believe you. It’s critical to know we are believed after having been gaslighted and manipulated in a toxic relationship. It’s also common that the target may have been hearing ill-informed comments from others, such as “It wasn’t that bad, was it?” or “Why not try counseling?” or “I’m sure (toxic person) really meant well.” Etc. To feel seen and heard and believed is one of the most healing things targets of abuse need from those around them.

These are just a few things that are helpful to say when someone is healing. If you care for someone who is going through this, it’s important to know there is little in life that is less painful, confusing, and difficult. Being a safe, supportive, non-judgmental space for them is a bigger gift than you may realize.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is blessed with some friends who said the exact right things when she needed it.

Being Alone

some of us
(and yes I’ve been here)
when we are alone at all
even for an evening
a weekend or god forbid looking out
into what seems like it could be
an empty life
of no one
to sit next to in the movies or
pour a glass of wine
or curl up against on a cold
and blustery night

well, we sink

our fear propels us to the place of
absolutes
where the feeling of no connection
with another becomes
disconnection with everything
with ourselves
and with whatever it is we know
as god the universe or eternal motion

and from here we look for
another human
ideally to move with into a legal relationship
(our feeble attempt at permanence
in an impermanent world)
to remind us that we are not alone
we are not abandoned
or forsaken

yet I’ve come to understand that
truly, we aren’t really seeking another
we are always seeking
a much more powerful wholeness
ancient and timeless
a circle complete
within ourselves

which ironically we can often only find
when we take the time
to be alone

~Ann Betz

Purpose, Meaning and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

How Narcissists Disrupt our Core Needs Series: Need number six, our need for purpose and meaning.

The final of our six core needs (as mentioned in the first post in this series), is the need for purpose, meaning and transcendence. In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté defines this as “knowing oneself as part of something larger than isolated, self-centered concerns, whether that something is overtly spiritual or simply universal/humanistic…or nature.”

Narcissists themselves aren’t typically aware of this need, and don’t consciously tend to seek it. Rather, their personality disorder drives them firmly toward “isolated, self-centered concerns.” And it’s hard for targets to express their own needs for larger purpose and meaning, because the purpose the narcissist wants you to have? Them, them and pretty much only them. Did I say them? (Insert ugh here.) Not only are they themselves their sole purpose, this need to be yours too.

Any other purpose or passion is a threat to the narcissist, even though your accomplishment, passions and success may have actually attracted them in the first place. Their self-focus also makes them want to attain the best “accessories” (sorry, but that’s what you are) in order to look even better. But their narcissism then make them want to kill your light and joy because the bigger you are, the smaller they feel. (See my post on self-esteem.)

Many of my coaching clients leaving narcissistic relationships come to coaching wanting to explore this part of themselves. Now that they are free from making the narcissist their sole purpose, what then, is it? What are they here for now that they’ve realized it isn’t to make a disordered person happy, or try to regulate a toxic system or family? The question becomes, who are they, and what calls them?

And so a key part of healing is to figure out, choose and pursue personal passion and purpose. As the fabulous Dolly Parton once said: “Find out who you are, and do it on purpose.” But how to do this if you’ve been worn down in a toxic relationship, workplace, and/or family? One way to start the process is to spend some time exploring your personal values, whether on your own or with a professional coach. (See this video for a coaching approach to understanding values.)

A few values questions to ponder or journal about on include:

What qualities do I admire in others? (Whatever we admire is a value we have, whether or not we feel we are doing this ourselves.)

What sort of things would I stand up for to defend someone else?

When I am annoyed or angry, what is missing from a values perspective?

What qualities have always been important to me, even as a child?

What makes me lose track of time (in a positive way)?

When I am bringing __________________ quality forth, I feel most myself.

Why focus on values? As a professional coach, I have seen over and over that this sort of exploration tells us a huge amount about who we really are, underneath the expectations, roles, and labels we been handed by the toxic people and systems around us. It’s not the whole answer to purpose and meaning, but it is a critical place to start the process of self-discovery that is so important to rebuilding ourselves. And inevitably, it leads to understanding — and hopefully living — the bigger purpose we are here for.

I want to note that it is common to have a value that you are not currently expressing (or not expressing as fully as you would like). For example, you can value Courage and recognize that it is actually low in how you are living your current life. And so the challenge is to first understand what is important to us and then, start doing small things to bring it forth. Why? When we live a life focused on trying to honor more and more of our own personal values, we are not only more purposeful, we tend to be much happier, more at peace, and more fulfilled.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is in an ongoing process of understanding living her own values more fully.

How Narcissists Mess With Our Core Need to Trust

How Narcissists Disrupt our Core Needs Series: Need number five, our need for trust.

The fifth of our six core needs (as mentioned in the first post in this series), is the need for trust. That is, as the dictionary defines it, a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. And how narcissists disrupt this? Oh, let me count the ways!

ONE: Fake promises. I am reminded of the classic Peanuts comic where Lucy holds the football for Charlie Brown to kick. Each time, Lucy promises and swears she will hold it for him, only to pull it away at the last minute. Every single time poor Charlie Brown ends up on his back, regretting his decision to trust her. It is clear that Lucy just can’t help herself, regardless of what she has promised. Charlie Brown, on the other hand? Well, he wants to trust her, no matter what the pattern has been. He badly wants to believe that this time, he’ll actually get to kick the football.

Oh, what a powerful metaphor for narcissistic relationships. Narcissists tend to say whatever they want to get what they want in the moment, whether they mean it or not. Thus, targets all too often become Charlie Brown, hoping against hope that this time the narcissist’s promise will be different. Maybe this time they will follow through. Maybe this time they actually mean it.

These promises have a name in the narcissistic abuse vocabulary. It is called “future faking,” the act of painting picture of a wonderful future for you, but never actually following through. Did they mean it? Maybe they did in the moment, maybe it sounded good to them. Maybe Lucy even thought herself that she wouldn’t pull the football away. But do they follow through or leave you, like Charlie Brown, flat on your back once again?

TWO: Lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Because narcissists are heat-seeking missiles for dopamine, they are ever in search of the next hit, the next adventure, the next new relationship, the next scam, con or fraud. They don’t all seek dopamine the same way, but they all seek it.

The dopamine rush wears off as things become less novel, more familiar. The predictable, while it may feel safe and comfortable to the target, is, well, boring to the narcissist. In personal relationships, you may have started out giving them a charge, but after a while, no matter how wonderful you are, you simply don’t. And thus — an illicit affair? Oooh, exciting. Even more so if they run the risk of being caught.

This also applies to other underhanded behavior. We often wonder why these people don’t just buckle down and work like the rest of us. After all, many of them do have the talent to make money in more typical ways. But typical ways of gaining wealth, attention, and status are again, boring. Far more fun to try it the illicit way. This also gives them a superiority boost when they can fool their targets, who they hold as idiots for being conned.

THREE: Being unpredictable. The crappy thing about narcissists? They aren’t crappy all the time. Just when we may want to give up on them, they give us bread crumbs of attention, which stirs feelings of hope and makes us doubt our own sense of things. This intermittent reinforcement is critical to creating and reinforcing what is known as a trauma bond, a key reason targets stay stuck in destructive relationships.

This erratic behavior also tends to put our nervous systems on high alert. Will they be nice or abusive? We don’t know what to predict, and when we don’t know what to predict we tend to steel ourselves for the worst. When our systems are amped up, clear thinking, planning, and analysis are harder for our brains to manage. We tend to be in survival mode, just trying to get through the day.

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All of this can leave us not knowing if and when to trust, both in and out of toxic relationships. It’s an area we often work on in coaching, in fact. I find my clients need to unpack both when they trusted where they perhaps should not have, as well as learn how to safely trust again. The goal is not to stop trusting, of course — it’s one of our core needs, after all — but when and how to do so safely and with open eyes. No more Lucy and the football, thank you very much!

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has learned to end relationships with the “Lucys” in her life.

I See Something in You That is So Deeply Whole

I see something in you
that is so deeply whole
I can’t contain it
within any sort of
language

you wonder about
purpose
and work
integrity
authenticity
and paying the rent

I see fields

I see flowers in your DNA

I see someone who shapes things
with music
color
and scent
with the soft motion
of a hand
or a sideways glance

I see a power so subtle
and refined
it’s all but invisible

and yet
stronger
than steel

it seems to me
that one intention
from your heart
could reverberate
through the hollow bones
of this very
earth

and it’s possible
(if my sight is clear)
that you hold
the deepest blessing
there can be:

the ability
to shape life
through
your very
existence

and any way
you find
to pay the
taxes
of this world

will never be
an accurate
remuneration
for everything
you are actually
contributing

for everything
you actually
are

~Ann Betz

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She believes poetry can help us heal.

Why Narcissists Don’t Want You to Have Self-Esteem

How Narcissists Disrupt our Core Needs Series: Need number four, our need for self-esteem.

The fourth of our six core needs (as mentioned in the first post in this series), is the need for self-esteem. That is, confidence in our own worth or abilities, our sense of self-respect. This feels particularly fundamental — of course we all want to think well about ourselves, feel like we have value, and believe that we deserve a place in the world. Why on earth would narcissists want to disrupt this? How does it impact them?

Well, narcissists typically see relationships as a seesaw (aka teeter-totter). If you are up it means they must be down. And the only way to keep themselves up is to keep you in your place — that is, feeling small, unsure, and that you have little value. The more the narcissist can disrupt your self-esteem, the safer they feel in the relationship. After all, why would you leave them if they have convinced you that you are basically worthless?

As I write this series I see more and more how interrelated our core needs (and the way narcissists attack them) are. Disrupting self esteem helps them exercise control and disrupt our need for autonomy. Making us feel bad about ourselves disrupts our ability to pursue mastery and competence as well. And of course, all of this makes true relationship impossible.

In my own story, this disruption of self-esteem started young. A family member decided that I was too fat at age 8 (I was probably just bulking up for a growth spurt at the time, I definitely wasn’t heavy) and put me on a diet. This contributed to a distorted body image and a belief that my very value and ability to be loved was dependent on how thin I was. As a young adult, always struggling with my weight but in a particularly lean phase, I recall asking this person “Hey, how do I look? Don’t I look thin?” They replied nonchalantly, “Oh, you always look thin,” and changed the subject. Even after achieving the goal I thought was necessary to secure their love and approval, it made little difference.

In the journey of healing from narcissistic abuse, so many of us need to reclaim and rebuild this sense of who we are, which is one reason a trauma-trained coach or therapist can really help. It’s one thing to recognize what is going on, to know that you have been controlled and devalued in order for the other person to feel good. It’s another to detangle from their messages about your worth. We can be done with them, see them for who they are, and know (cognitively) that they said stuff about us that isn’t really true, and yet still default to their voice in our heads.

In my own case, I have worked and am still working to disentangle my worth from my weight, and to replace this person’s voice in my head with kinder, more loving messages. It’s not easy and I don’t always succeed, but slowly and steadily I make progress. This is why I believe that the journey of healing is a hero and heroine’s journey. It takes tremendous courage, patience and persistence. And I also believe that self-esteem and a sense of self-worth is our birthright. We don’t have to earn it, we just need to reclaim it.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She knows that love means helping build each other’s self-esteem.

How Narcissists Can Disrupt Our Pursuit of Mastery

How Narcissists Disrupt our Core Needs Series: Need number three, our need for mastery or competence.

The third of our six core needs (as mentioned in the first post in this series), is the need for mastery or competence. Mastery is defined as “comprehensive knowledge or skill in a subject or accomplishment,” and this need is actually linked to need #2, the need for autonomy. Without feeling we have a certain amount of control over our own choices we simply can’t pursue things to the point of feeling highly competent (that is, masterful).

And every human being at some level longs to feel this sort of ability in some domain of their lives in order to be truly fulfilled. It could be professional such as reaching a particular level in your career, personal such as an accomplishment in a craft, hobby or sport, in the family such as an aspect of parenting, or simply being a great friend.

Narcissists? They don’t want you to feel this because a) they tend to lack the focus, patience, discipline and depth to reach true mastery themselves, preferring to skate by on charm and manipulation tactics; and b) it makes you feel good, which might make you empowered to leave them — or at a minimum question and push back on their control and devaluing. (In my next post on core needs I’ll explore our need for self-esteem, which is related here.)

When I got involved with a malignant narcissist a few years ago, I was already fairly far in my professional life. I had a successful international training business, and a thriving coaching practice. The X was new to the coaching field (god save us all) and I thought we’d have good fun comparing notes and helping each other develop even further. How cool that we were in the same profession! How helpful!

The fun part, dear reader, lasted all of a couple months. And then, when he moved from love bombing me to the devaluing stage, he craftily used my passion for my work to get under my skin. I’d mention something I was excited about in my continuing neuroscience studies, and he would roll his eyes, saying “Some people need that sort of thing, I have moved past it myself.” Or he would give me the barest acknowledgment and then change the subject, never asking a follow-up question or showing the slightest interest. He refused to even look at any of the powerful models of tools we had created, and was generally patronizing about everything I said or did.

Now, I suppose it’s not fair to say he prevented me from achieving mastery, but he sure was good at taking the wind out of my sails. It was definitely a downer that I couldn’t share my interest and enthusiasm with the person I thought I was closest to, not to mention the ongoing disdain he expressed for all things I held dear.

I found myself feeling stupid, uninteresting, and unmotivated, especially when I was home. Luckily at that time I was traveling, often in the company of my beloved business partner and best friend, who (bless her heart) always seems to find me and my ideas fascinating. I would go on a business trip and feel like myself again, only to return home and feel dull. Thank goodness I had the blessing of this contrast, as it was one of the first clues I had that something was really wrong. If it hadn’t been for my partner and my students and colleagues, I really think I might have begun to believe I had little to offer the world, much less find the motivation to push myself further and explore true mastery.

And this is, I believe not an unusual story when one is dealing with a narcissist. Their profound jealousy and entitlement make it impossible for them to truly support anyone else. Mention that you have published a book? They are working on the next best seller themselves, or they never felt it was important to publish something, or isn’t the market awfully crowded for that sort of thing? Mention you are pursuing a degree or have an insight about something and you get a similar response. They feel they must deflate you in order to stay inflated themselves.

I have stories about this from throughout my life, as I bet many of you do as well. I met my first husband (truly a grandiose narcissist) when I was 23 and only halfway through a Bachelor’s degree. Every time I expressed an interest in going back to school, he would pooh-pooh it, saying I just wanted to be a student forever, or was too lazy to work like everyone else, or was self-indulgent and not thinking of what was best for the family (i.e. him).

And I listened, as many in these relationships do. And yes, I didn’t have to. I could have done it anyway. But frankly, it’s damn hard to push against strong negativity coming your way, especially when it feels like you will risk everything when you do. School or my marriage? Well, in the case of my first husband, ultimately I chose school and divorced his sorry a**. But it’s not always an easy choice.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is forever grateful for the places she can pursue mastery with support and encouragement from those who really love her.

Why Narcissists Need to Kill Your Autonomy

How Narcissists Disrupt our Core Needs Series: Need number two, our need for autonomy and personal agency.

As I mentioned in the first post in this series, one of our six core needs is the need for autonomy, agency, and independence. We all want to feel we have some level of control and self-determination in our lives, that we can make our own decisions and have our own preferences and direction. In this post I want to look at why this is so threatening to a narcissist and how they work to disrupt it.

It’s a common refrain from people in narcissist relationships: why do they have to be so dominating? Well, it might be summed up in one short sentence: the need for power and control. As the wise Dr. Ramani says, one behavior you will generally see in narcissism/toxic relationships is being incredibly rigid (this is the R in her C.R.A.V.E.D. model). They feel (wrongly of course) that being rigid will give them the power that seems to elude them in life. This rigidity expresses itself as wanting to control you and everything in the relationship, from money to time to what you wear — and more.

When you think about it, who really feels intense needs to control things? People who sense they are out of control. Narcissists want desperately to feel that they are calling the shots in life. For some, this feels like it is eluding them. Thus they lean hard on those they can manipulate and control. For others, control is their fundamental operating system and they have organized their lives so that everyone dances to their tune.

Narcissists generally feel so ill-done by the world (particularly the covert narcissist), that it can seem like things are out of control for them. Why won’t people just line up and give them the adulation, riches and success they feel they deserve? Why doesn’t everyone simply fall at their feet because of their innate amazingness? And even if they have managed to accumulate material success, as some do, the thirst is rarely quenched and they will still see that the world owes them more. (I also want to mention that even if the narcissist is “successful” by consensus reality standards, they are generally not successful in terms of the whole of their lives. For example, having deep, rich, mutually loving relationships.)

And so, they control what they can, which is, all too often, you. And thus, by trying to deal with a narcissist, to “work” with them and adapt to the situation, you have to sacrifice your own need for autonomy and self-determination. With a narcissist you have to go along or pay the price, whether it is rage or a guilt trip (both are controlling strategies of course).

Typically with narcissists this starts small and you may feel you are going along because it doesn’t matter to you and you are simply being nice — or even that they are being nice. They may ask you to quit your job, saying “you work so hard, let me take care of you.” And from there decide that you don’t need a car, nice clothes, or a separate bank account. In this example, you don’t realize at first that the motivation is not to help you out, but rather, to put you in a position where you have lost your autonomy. And when control in a narcissistic relationship goes on too long, we can even lose our sense of what we ourselves want, prefer, and need.

This probably goes without saying, but healthy relationships enhance and help us fulfill our core needs, they don’t disrupt them. A good partner wants you to be autonomous and fulfilled. They know this makes you happy and it’s actually more rewarding to be with a happy person than it is to control them. Narcissists on the other hand? They never get this.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She’s grateful her partner celebrates and supports her autonomy (and vice versa).