How Narcissists Use the Idea of Personal Responsibility Against You

I basically grew up in the personal growth / new age world, having been involved with a well-known seminar company from ages 18 to 27. We were taught (and reminded constantly) that everything was up to us. That we create our own reality. That there are no victims. That there is only power and effectiveness in being the cause and source of our own lives. Period.

At the time, the idea of personal responsibility felt empowering and enlightening. At age 18, I took it as an absolute and irrefutable truth (that’s the problem with learning something before one’s prefrontal cortex develops completely). I did my best to live from this idea, always looking to how I “created” a situation and how it may be an opportunity to heal something unhealed within me. Etc.

This orientation to responsibility (like many “super traits” which attract narcissists and which they exploit) is generally a powerful and mature way to be in relationship with someone else — if they are healthy and equally committed to looking within themselves.

But if the person you are with is highly narcissistic, you can bet your sweet bippy they will simply use it against you. In fact, if you want to know whether the person you are involved with is overly narcissistic, just listen to whether or not they acknowledge any responsibility for disagreements between you. (I’m sorry you feel that way ain’t it, by the way!)

Rather, what is typical is that they will pile on to your own self-examination, agreeing that yes indeed, you do need to get over whatever you did that caused the breakdown. You’re lucky they put up with you, given how broken you are and how much personal work you still need to do. (Pardon me while I barf.)

Not only do narcissists love to exploit your own desire to take responsibility and not be a “victim” of life (or them), this orientation can also keep us stuck in toxic relationships. Why? If we are habituated to looking within every time something does not go well, we’ll resist looking externally to see if someone is doing something that is actually and objectively not ok. (By the way, new age cults and those that exploit their members for unpaid labor classically use this model to keep people from questioning their methods and staying involved.)

And so, is the idea of personal responsibility wrong? Not necessarily and not completely. But I have learned it is helpful to find the “and” space between internal and external. For example:

~ I am responsible for my life and what is happening to me is not ok.

~ I stated my needs and the other person used this against me and this is not ok.

~ I am doing my best to be thoughtful, honest, and clear in my communication, and the other person is consistently showing me that they are not capable of this type of healthy dialogue.

~ This situation has something to teach me and maybe I even “created” it for my highest good, and perhaps what I need most to learn is to get the heck out.

If someone is using the idea of personal responsibility against you in a toxic way, whether that is in a group, workplace, or personal relationship, it’s not enlightenment. It’s just a clever manipulation strategy.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and personal responsibility in healthy relationships.

I Would Not Wish You to be Broken

I would not wish you to be broken
I would not wish you to be disassembled
I would not wish you to be in that place of
darkness and despair
where the very skeleton of you aches
and light is but a pinpoint
somewhere far

I know the pain
of needing to
gather up those bones
in the deep black night
reaching out to reattach yourself
reaching out to find
what is still real
and true
and core to who you are

I also know the golden pouring liquid
filling in our cracks
building new joints
binding us together
slowly and thoroughly creating
a powerful pulsating glow

and there once again
is our heart
now safely held within
the open cage of
reconstructed ribs
illuminated by the
greater light
we now and eternally shine
from every bone

~Ann Betz

As the songwriter Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in.”

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

Teaching Pigs to Sing

There is an old Southern saying: Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

This is a saying I have used many times when talking with my clients who are dealing with toxic, controlling, difficult people, especially when they are in there trying, for the seventy-leventh time, to get the person to wake up and change. (I’ve also heard the corollary: Don’t get down in the mud and wrestle with a pig. You’ll get dirty and the pig enjoys it.)

Here are just a few of my own failed attempts to teach one particular pig to sing:

~ Sitting down with the narcissist (one more time) to explain calmly and carefully how I felt when he was rude to me during an evening out with friends. Asking with sincerity what it was really about and requesting he behave differently in the future. The result? Anger and defensiveness.

~ Asking the narcissist for crumbs of attention. For example, requesting (again, calmly and carefully–I knew he was quick to explode) that we spend even a couple evenings a week doing something together after dinner. The result? Either empty promises or excuses as to why he was “too tired.”

~ Sharing that “words of affirmation” are my “love language” and letting him know this was important to me in relationships (and that I would of course, pay attention to his love language as well). The result? Crickets, for the most part.

~ Letting him know how I felt about his excessive spending when he owed me money. The result? I was told I was overreacting and controlling.

And yet, I kept trying. Kept explaining. Kept finding the remnants of my patience to have a careful, respectful, calm conversation at an “appropriate” time. In the process, I learned not to bring things up in the moment because he felt “ambushed.” I learned to spend 90% of the time listening to how he felt before bringing up anything I was unhappy about. And (eventually) I learned that even when we seemingly got somewhere and it felt like he understood, it never lasted.

An when I finally realized that I was trying to teach a pig to sing, I left.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is no longer a singing teacher for pigs.

Why Narcissists Move So Fast

That morning he gazed deep into my eyes and said “I love you.” I was surprised, as we’d known each other less than a week. But I was also flattered, and instead of seeing it as the red flag it was, thought that perhaps I had finally met a man who was unafraid of showing his emotions and leaning in to a relationship. Before I knew it — and more importantly — before I knew HIM, I was all in, convinced that this was it.

Narcissists are often excellent at first impressions, using charm, being very curious about you, and even mirroring your interests, values and beliefs. In romantic relationships, it can feel like you have met your true soul mate, so why not jump in? When it goes very quickly (as it typically does), instead of wondering what the rush is, it can get framed as “when you know, you know.”

Why do they typically push things forward so fast, rather than letting the relationship unfold more organically over time? What is the big rush? Why do they so desperately need to “lock things down?” Well, here’s a couple of reasons:

ONE: They can only do their impression of a kind, interested person for so long. In other words, the persona (not person) you fell in love with has an expiration date, as it takes great energy and effort for the narcissist to keep up the facade. Once the target is in some way committed (typically a swift commitment to being exclusive, moving in together quickly, a rushed marriage, or even having a baby together), they can drop the exhausting mask and go back to their true toxic personality.

TWO: They have idealized their target, convincing themselves that this person is the one who will — finally — truly love them, be there for them, and fix all their problems. They want to get the person into a commitment before they get away because they have (for the moment) convinced themselves that this one is it.

When people ask me how to avoid getting involved with a narcissist, I generally tell them that time is the friend of the target and the enemy of the narcissist. While going slow will be fine if you have truly met a wonderful person (in fact, it is a classic green flag in dating), you’ll generally get a huge amount of push back when dealing with a toxic, controlling person. They’ll typically say they are ok with it at first to fit with the wonderful person persona they have adopted, but you’ll find they soon push boundaries, try to talk you into going faster, make it about you and your issues, or play the soul mate card. Watch for this.

Because they are so good at wearing the “soul mate” and/or wonderful person mask at first, to know what we are truly dealing with, sometimes all we have is time.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

You Are So Much More than What the Narcissist Says

Whether it is in the workplace, family, intimate partnership, or even friendship, one of the most destructive things a narcissist does is to change the way you think about yourself. And not, my friends, for the better.

They have many tricks up their sleeve in how they attempt this. It can be done overtly or covertly, through subtle implication or outright contempt, by criticism or lack of interest, by competing with you or insinuating that what you are up to is worthless, etc. I like to say that narcissists are never as amazing or talented as they think they are, but they are masters of this arena, brilliantly knowing just how to match the devaluation to the target for maximum impact.

However they do it, four main reasons why come to mind:

ONE: It’s challenging and therefore fun for them. As we’ve talked about a lot in this blog, most people get targeted by narcissists not because they are weak, small and vulnerable, but because they are bright, big and really cool. A narcissist wants a good “catch” working for them or as a romantic partner. Even a narcissistic parent wants a kid they can brag about. But once they have you in their web, they tend to love the game of trying to take you down. And they need someone with some chutzpah and spark for it to be interesting.

One example of this is a telling scene in episode one of season four of Succession, currently on HBO. The extremely narcissistic father has at this point driven away most of his children. He is at his birthday party surrounded by employees, and it becomes clear he is bored out of his skull without his children there to bully and banter with. He even begs to be “roasted” in an attempt to get some much-needed narcissistic supply. But the sycophants around him are not up to the engagement, and it clearly leaves the father frustrated and unfulfilled.

(If you, like me, are fascinated by this show, you might be interested in Dr. Ramani’s ongoing analysis of the characters and plot — in this episode she talks about the scene I mentioned.)

TWO: If they can change the way you think about yourself, it makes things ever so much easier for them. While a big, bright, bold target is attractive, they are difficult to control and dominate. Anyone who remains too confident will get tired of being devalued and will move on, so narcissists know they need to break your spirit as soon as they can.

Because targets also tend to be high in traits such as empathy and loyalty, unfortunately this strategy can work well for a narcissist. Most targets don’t give up easily, and we tend to take seriously the criticism lobbed at us, even if it has little accuracy. Am I like that? Let me look at myself. Do I “always” do something that is not so great? I’ll examine this and try to change. After all, I want to be a good partner, and I want to grow. Narcissists know this, and they exploit it.

This treatment often has the impact of making the target overly cautious and on edge, suppressing their natural confidence or exuberance in order to please the narcissist. And if we do this long enough, it can start to feel like who we are. Ugh.

THREE: This may be the most obvious, but the only way they have any sense at all of their own value and place in the world is through comparison to others. And of course, they must be the ones on top at all times. In any sort of relationship, this means that the target simply has to be less than them in every possible way.

If you are too confident and sure of yourself, the narcissist is secretly terrified you will show up better and shinier than them. While there might be a short time early on where your accomplishments look good as a reflection of who they are, this fades quickly as they realize you are getting attention that might be going to them. If they can make you question yourself, your value, and your behavior, you’ll back off in public and leave more yummy “supply” for them.

FOUR: You have disappointed them. You were put on a pedestal at first in the love-bombing stage, as you were supposed to be the perfect answer to all their unfulfilled needs. Soon enough, you showed that you were human, with imperfections and needs of your own. This is infuriating to the narcissist, and they actually feel betrayed by your inability to live up to who you were supposed to be. They devalue you as payback for not being their fantasy employee, partner, friend or child.

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I want to repeat the title here — you are so much more than what the narcissist says you are. I am reminded about how we are advised to read or view the news — we are cautioned to “consider the source.” A narcissist is never a good source to consider when we are assessing how to see ourselves. Rather, in the healing journey we need to be surrounded by people who can help us remember that we are bigger, brighter, and more of a contribution to the world than what we may have come to believe.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

The Narcissist I Thought I Loved

A poem I wrote as I was coming out of the haze of being involved with a very malignant narcissist.

I’ve had two years
in the fire of learning
what I wasn’t sure
I actually wanted to know

I had hoped like so many
that given enough love
patience
and understanding

given enough skill
in communication
forgiveness
and empathy

I could reach and connect
with a deeply troubled
soul

I couldn’t

instead of bringing him
more into the light
which I had dearly wished
surrounded us all

he brought me down into
his dark
and dangerous
world

instead of helping him find
faith in humanity and hope
belief in
the gifts he had inside
and way to lasting love

I began to question
myself

instead of growing in trust
deepening companionship
and opening our tender hearts
more and more
to the care of each other

he slowly began
to stomp
on mine

instead of weaving
two families together
in a joyous conclave of
celebration

he did his best
to separate me
from my own

instead of creating
our own ways of
having fun and delight
in this interesting world

he shuttered himself away
and I existed on
crumbs
of attention and connection

it was a slow attrition
over time
as we moved in together
bought a dream home
adopted a dog
had gatherings with friends
and met
each other’s family

until we were wrapped up
with each other in a way
it was difficult
to untangle

but the end of the story is this:

I did
I untangled
I left
and in the doing so
learned

how hard this sort of thing can be
how devastating it is to face that
the life and dream I had
had never been more
than a con as carefully crafted
as any Ponzi scheme

and also
how strong
I am

I learned as well
there are souls on this earth
who
I am so sorry to say
cannot be reached

and who
instead of being warmed
by our own fire
do their best
to put it out

I have learned to see them
more clearly
and to stay
the fuck
away

there may be someone here
in need of this today
I don’t know
but sometimes I get poked
to speak

~Ann Betz

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

Golden Cage

I don’t want
to help you
get better at
that which
at some level
you hate
just because
you’ll have more
letters
behind your name

I don’t care to
assist you in gaining
more of that
which
we all know
isn’t really
the key to
your bliss
just because
someone else
will be
impressed

and most importantly
I don’t see
the point in
enabling you
to be more
comfortable
in the golden cage
you’ve been
sold
just because
you’re worried
about what’s
outside

if working
diligently
at something
pulls you
because of the
sheer joy of
learning
I’m in

if some
luxurious
beautiful
possession
makes you smile
with the delight
of seeing it
in your home
or feeling it on your body
and nothing more
then yes

but you will never
convince me
that a cage
whether sourced by
culture
family
or simply
your own fear

is any sort of place
for your unlimited
and truly wondrous
soul

never

~Ann Betz

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

The Myth of the Frog in Boiling Water

The urban legend is that if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out immediately, but if you place a frog in tepid water and gradually turn up the heat, the frog will stay in the pot because it acclimates to the temperature until it boils to death. 

This story is often used to make the point that gradual change can be imperceptible until it is too late. According to biologists, this is complete BS. Frogs would die if thrown into boiling water, and would jump out of water that increased in temperature once it became uncomfortable.

Which is perhaps too bad (although not for the frogs of course), because it’s a great metaphor for how we grow acclimated to things we probably would never tolerate if thrown at us full force. And to apply this to narcissistic abuse, it’s been my experience that the heat usually gets turned up gradually.

In my own case, the water definitely heated imperceptibly slowly, which was almost impossible to detect at the time:

ONE: He gets a little distant and seems slightly less enthusiastic about the relationship. That’s ok, I think, no one stays in the honeymoon period forever. The water is becoming tepid.

TWO: He no longer wants to have breakfast together every morning. That’s ok, I think, he gets up earlier than me and is hungry. I understand. The water warms up a little more.

THREE: He stops being at all interested in my work. That’s ok, I think. He’s focusing on creating a new coaching business himself, and I’m already established. It’s natural that he is more focused on himself. The water is warm, but not uncomfortable yet.

FOUR: He doesn’t want to just hang out together any more in the evenings after dinner. That’s ok, I think. He gets up early and he’s tired at night. The water is getting a bit too warm at this point (not that I notice).

FIVE: He goes from being uninterested in my work to subtly belittling it. I’m confused as to whether or not this is ok. What he says is not outright insulting. Rather, his comments are within the scope of plausible deniability as to whether or not they are meant to put me down. And so, I don’t raise it as an issue even though I don’t like it. The water is hot but I think I can take it.

SIX: He starts giving me the silent treatment when I do something he doesn’t like. That’s not ok, I think, but it doesn’t happen that often and we always “get closer” when we talk it through afterwards. And I understand he is “trying” to deal with his anger. This is hot water, but I am coping, although starting to become a little concerned about the temperature.

SEVEN: He starts going off on me when I raise issues. He yells, rages, tells me I am toxic, terrible to live with. I have pretty much the same response as #6 above. Even hotter. Starting to bubble. I’m wondering if I can stay but I’m still trying to make it work.

EIGHT: He starts threatening me when I express unhappiness at the way he is treating me, telling me to pack my bags (wait, it’s my house too and I paid the down payment). Ok, now it’s boiling. I’m completely discombobulated, freaked out and scared. How in the hell did I end up in boiling hot water?

As the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” After I jumped out of the boiling water, let my nervous system settle, and had some time to reflect, I could see how the water heated up. But of course, as I was “living life forward,” it was very very difficult to see what was going on.

Why is this? Humans have a tremendous ability to adapt. (In fact, Darwin’s theory of evolution is often misunderstood as survival of the “fittest,” when in truth, it is survival of the most adaptable.) We normalize things and adapt ourselves in order to get through the day. The water heats up and, when it does so gradually, we may not even notice.

One thing that can help targets of narcissistic abuse who are in water that is getting hotter, is to ask themselves, if the person behaved this way in the first weeks I knew them, would I have continued on with the relationship? If they did this sort of thing on the first or second date, would I have kept going? If the answer is no, it might be a good idea to find some professional support to help you get out of water that is about to boil.

Frogs, it turns out, may be smarter than humans. They jump out of water when it gets too hot.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

The Paradox of Pain

The paradox of pain
is that it can both sink us
and raise us
I wish suffering upon no one
and yet I know mine, and yours
has forged us into something beautiful
and rare

I don’t want to learn
how to avoid pain
sadness
grief or loss

I want to expand my ability
to know them
honor them
use their gifts, power and lessons
to create something healing
in the field of light

if I only knew how to craft the message
that includes and transcends all paradox….
especially the one that says
while I would do
everything in my power
to protect you from hurt

I know we become something
from moving through
the fire

~Ann Betz

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

Is it Time to Stop Using the Term Codependent?

Codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person’s self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. 

Codependency has no established definition or diagnostic criteria within the mental health community.*

The term codependent gets thrown around a lot, especially in the narcissism and healing world. Just look up “narcissists and codependents” or something similar and see how many hits you get. Many experts will tell you that the reason people get hooked into narcissistic situations is that they are codependent, implying (and even stating outright) that wounded people attract narcissists, and their innate codependency is what keeps the target stuck.

Well, I call BS on that. I am so tired of this characterization I could just scream. Let’s unpack this by looking first at the background and origination of the word. As Wikipedia states, “the term ‘codependent’ was first used to describe how family members and friends might interfere with the recovery of a person affected by a substance use disorder by ‘over-helping.'” The idea is that the “codependent” person’s identity is all wrapped up in the need to help others, and they will do what they need to do to keep an addict addicted so that they themselves have a role and a purpose. In this sense, the term has some validity. But in terms of its current broad-scale application to anyone in relationship with someone with a personality disorder, I question it.

In my experience and in looking more deeply into the many factors that affect narcissistic abuse/toxic relationships, I do not see that people with low self-esteem and a chronic need to get their identity from “helping” others are what attracts narcissists–or keep targets stuck. I think throwing the term “codependent” at someone as an explanation for how they got involved with one is at best lazy, and at worst, simply more gaslighting.

Rather, research shows that narcissists, who feel they deserve the most amazing person on their arm or in their organizations, are typically attracted to people who shine. They don’t tend to want a diminished mouse who only wants to focus on and help them — at least not at first. This is not interesting, challenging, or attractive. After all, what does it say about them if they can only get someone with low self-esteem? And it’s not very much fun to take someone down who is already there.

But hey, how cool would it be (for a narcissist) to attract and ensnare someone amazing, and then, through the idealization-devalue-discard cycle, make them feel small? And then, when they are diminished and broken, move on to someone more interesting? Now you’re talking.

And yes, the target’s behavior might look like codependency. Personally, and I know I am not alone, after a while I did tend to focus more on the X (a covert narcissist) than I did on me, trying to help him with his career, giving him the spotlight, and doing what I could to avoid becoming the target of his wrath. Why? Not because I needed this for my own identity, but because there were sometimes minor rewards (breadcrumbs) when I did and hell to pay when I didn’t. This was not my personality by any means, it was an adaptive strategy to cope with abusive treatment. Additionally, his hot and cold behavior probably created in me what is known as a “trauma bond,” also distinct from codependency.

The idea of being a “codependent type person” or even “codependent in a relationship” is all about the target, and does not take sufficiently into account the impact of abuse and the way we change our behavior in attempts to stay safe and simply get through another day. Also, let’s note that having a great deal of empathy is vastly different than needing people around us to be dysfunctional in order to have a purpose in life.

All that having been said, I want to acknowledge a couple of things. One, some narcissists may target people with lower self-esteem, because they are easier prey. It’s just not typically the norm because of all the reasons I stated above. Two, the advice on how to “stop being codependent” can be helpful as a way forward because of the behaviors adopted as a safety strategy.

I hope I’ve made my case that being targeted and entangled in narcissistic abuse is not generally a result of codependency. So in this arena, can we please stop using that term, and engage instead in more complex conversations?

*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

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