Two Ways to Respond to Someone’s Pain

Being listened to and taken seriously is healing.

Imagine that you have recovered some suppressed memories of childhood abuse by a member of your family (not parents), and as an adult, you go to each of your parents separately to talk about this and express how you feel.

Parent #1 says, somewhat defensively, “This is really hard for me to hear. I’m not sure what you want me to say or do. I didn’t know. This just makes me feel bad.” They ask you no questions, offer you no resources, and make it very very clear that they do not wish to have this conversation with you. You walk away and never bring up your pain to them again. And you take away the lesson that other people’s discomfort is more important than your own truth.

Parent #2 says, with real feeling, “Oh I am so sorry that happened. And I feel like I should have known—there were clues and I ignored them. I didn’t want to see and have to deal with it, and that was selfish. I should have protected you. I feel really bad as a parent that I failed you, and I’m sorry. I’m here to listen to whatever you want or need to say.” You feel seen, heard, and believed. It doesn’t change what happened, but it helps heal some of the pain. And you take away the lesson that it is ok to speak your truth even if it may make people uncomfortable.

It’s common that people around targets of abuse don’t know what to say. And if there is any — even peripheral — feeling they should have known or done something, all too many people behave like Parent #1, the defensiveness most likely coming from their own unprocessed feelings of shame or guilt. This is the worst response possible for someone who has experienced abuse, in that it makes their experience about the listener, when the target deeply wants and needs to be heard and taken seriously.

Of course no one can turn back time — we don’t get “do-overs.” But Parent #2’s response is thoughtful, appropriate, connected and therefore, healing. They acknowledge that they may have had a role, and are welcoming to the adult child’s communication and experience.

I want to add that even if there is no feeling of personal responsibility, it can still be typical for folks to struggle a bit with what to say when targets of abuse want to share their experience. Why? Perhaps because we are fixers and helpers by nature. And it’s nice that we want to assist others — this is part of the glue that holds society together. And so if we can’t, we often don’t really know what to do. What is our value if we can’t fix something or offer practical help?

As a professional coach and coach trainer for over 20 years, I have learned the power of simply listening — deeply — to others. Coaches are trained that it’s not our job to fix things for the client, but that being there with them, being present, and helping them find their own answers and way forward is often transformative. When I have worked with new coaches, this can often be the hardest part of the process, because it requires sitting in the discomfort of wanting to be useful and feeling that you aren’t able to “fix” anything. But here’s the secret — listening helps. It helps a lot. And for targets of abuse, it’s a critical aspect of what they really need.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and both listening and being heard.

Being Mad Doesn’t Mean You’re Bad

Often those of us who have experienced neglect and abuse have a really complex relationship with anger (actually, most people do, but that’s another story). One, we may have experienced a parent, partner or authority figure use their anger to intimidate and manipulate us, creating an association between anger and being a really crappy sort of person. Two, we may have experienced the same person or people being very dysregulated and unable to control their anger, creating genuinely terrifying situations where we learn to do anything to appease them and make things ok again.

And three, we have probably rarely been able to know, experience or find the right way to express our own legitimate anger. In fact, in toxic relationships our own legitimate anger (from being betrayed, devalued, gaslit, insulted, and manipulated) is all too often used against us. When we express feelings of frustration or “clap back” we are told we are the problem. “There you go again, you really need to learn how to deal with your anger.” (See Is It Fighting or is it Abuse? for more on this.) Some of us simply shut down and others may find themselves blowing up.

In our relational trauma coach training program it has become clear to us that finding our anger and learning to include it is critical to healing. We use the metaphor of a “speed limit”* in terms of anger as a way to help people see that anger is a) a real, legitimate human experience, and b) does not have to be out of control terrifying rage. Like all emotions, it tells us something, often that a boundary has been violated or there is something happening that is not ok. And it needs to move, but at a manageable speed.

As the students share this with clients, there are some classic responses. One is that in terms of having an anger speed limit, targets of narcissistic abuse often say things like “Speed limit? Hah! I’m not even on the road, I’m still in the driveway!” The other is that they begin to realize that, in the words of the title of this blog, being mad doesn’t mean they are bad.

Here are some questions we can explore to help work with anger at a speed that feels right:

ONE: What speed are you generally at when you need to communicate something with an emotional charge? How does that feel?

TWO: When you are angry and you go overly slowly and carefully, just barely putting along, how does that feel?

THREE: When you are angry and you go full out (100 MPH/160 KPH), no holding back, how does that feel?

FOUR: In most situations, for you, what feels like the right “speed limit?” That is, going at an appropriate, controlled and yet moving along speed? How does that feel?

FIVE: Where in your life do you need to speed up or slow down?

There is more and more evidence that suppressing emotions is bad for both one’s physical and mental health. Learning to a) recognize anger as one of our legitimate human emotions and b) find our own moving-forward-but-still-in-control speed limit of expression are important aspects of the healing journey. Don’t let crappy people in your present or past steal your anger from you — it lives alongside your passion and your joy.

*I think I originally got the speed limit metaphor from Josh Sommers Flanagan in this blog: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2016/12/11/the-sweet-spot-of-self-control/

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and appropriate speed limits.

Teaching Pigs to Sing

There is an old Southern saying: Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

This is a saying I have used many times when talking with my clients who are dealing with toxic, controlling, difficult people, especially when they are in there trying, for the seventy-leventh time, to get the person to wake up and change. (I’ve also heard the corollary: Don’t get down in the mud and wrestle with a pig. You’ll get dirty and the pig enjoys it.)

Here are just a few of my own failed attempts to teach one particular pig to sing:

~ Sitting down with the narcissist (one more time) to explain calmly and carefully how I felt when he was rude to me during an evening out with friends. Asking with sincerity what it was really about and requesting he behave differently in the future. The result? Anger and defensiveness.

~ Asking the narcissist for crumbs of attention. For example, requesting (again, calmly and carefully–I knew he was quick to explode) that we spend even a couple evenings a week doing something together after dinner. The result? Either empty promises or excuses as to why he was “too tired.”

~ Sharing that “words of affirmation” are my “love language” and letting him know this was important to me in relationships (and that I would of course, pay attention to his love language as well). The result? Crickets, for the most part.

~ Letting him know how I felt about his excessive spending when he owed me money. The result? I was told I was overreacting and controlling.

And yet, I kept trying. Kept explaining. Kept finding the remnants of my patience to have a careful, respectful, calm conversation at an “appropriate” time. In the process, I learned not to bring things up in the moment because he felt “ambushed.” I learned to spend 90% of the time listening to how he felt before bringing up anything I was unhappy about. And (eventually) I learned that even when we seemingly got somewhere and it felt like he understood, it never lasted.

An when I finally realized that I was trying to teach a pig to sing, I left.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is no longer a singing teacher for pigs.

Are You Being Micro-Manipulated?

The narcissist’s art of abusing you within the boundaries of “plausible deniability.”

Early in the relationship we were at the dining room table talking over dinner. I was sharing about something I was working on for our neuroscience coaching program, thinking he’d be interested since he was also a coach. He was giving me unenthusiastic “Uh-huhs.” When I was done he changed the subject to himself without asking any follow-up questions. I was a bit deflated, but I soon learned conversation went better when I just focused on him.

I was helping my friend move. He showed up at the end of the day “to help” when almost everything was done. I went to kiss him and he sort of dodged me. That night he told me I had a problem with excessive public displays of affection and it made people uncomfortable. (I later saw other evidence he was quite attracted to this friend — I guess he wanted her to see he wasn’t that into me even though we were living together?) I learned not to touch him in public unless he initiated.

I designed a game and was in the testing stages. I was quite excited and it was going well — the darn thing worked and people loved it. This was right before Christmas and that year he gave me three different books on game design. I said, “Hey, thanks, but you know I’ve figured this out.” He replied patronizingly “Yes, but I thought you’d want to be sure you were doing it right.” (This was actually just before I left and those books were the first things to go in the donation pile.)

I didn’t say much of anything about any of this to him or anyone else. It felt petty and self-centered to complain. After all, he had the right not to be super interested in my work, didn’t he? And if he didn’t want to be kissed in public, I guess that was understandable too? And who complains about what might just be a thoughtful gift? And yet, those are just three examples of what I have come to know as micro-manipulation.

Micro-manipulation is nasty stuff. It’s hard to catch and it’s hard to get others to understand why it is so devastating and abusive. It rests on the narcissist’s ability to, as in my examples, work within the bounds of plausible deniability. It’s often the tool of a covert narcissist to erode your self-esteem without seeming to come across as toxic. “What? You always make such a fuss. I didn’t mean anything by it,” is their refrain. “Don’t be so sensitive.” Yeah, right.

Micro-manipulation can also look like:

~ Backhanded compliments with a sting. “Great talk, only a few people left while you were going through your slides, but I am sure they just got impatient for you to get to the main point. I knew where you were going so I hung in there.” Ouch.

~ Disinterest in your work, activities, or interests. “It’s not my thing but I see how you would like this,” with the implication that you are silly, immature, or less enlightened/successful than they are.

~ “For your own good” feedback. And/or “I don’t see this, but I heard people say it about you.” For example, “You probably don’t realize that you tend to dominate the conversation. It doesn’t bother me, but I can tell it makes our friends uncomfortable.”

`~ Sharing information they “thought you’d be interested in” that is designed to devalue you. “I saw this article on intermittent fasting for older women to help with weight loss,” when you have not mentioned wanting or needing to lose weight.

`~ And of course, gaslighting — but subtly. Not outright lies. Things they can claim were a “mistake.” “No you had the car keys last, I’m worried about your memory these days,” when you know they were the ones who moved your car and had those darn keys somewhere.

Ultimately, the test of whether these “micro=manipulations” are legitimate mistakes or aspects of an abusive relationship is A) does it feel good? Do you feel empowered, seen, supported? Or do you find you feel less than yourself? B) is it a recurring pattern or a one-time blunder? and C) is the person apologetic if what they do or say doesn’t work for you, even if well-intentioned? Can you talk about how you feel or are you met with accusations and defensiveness?

Please do NOT ignore micro-manipulation, even though you may want to doubt yourself and would find it hard to explain to others. It’s a far bigger red flag than it may seem. Something that can help you see that it is actually a pattern of abuse is to write it down. I like to use four columns for this:

1) What happened (when and where can be good to include).
2) What you did or didn’t do in response.
3) What they did or didn’t do when you responded (if you did).
4) How it all felt.

Our brains want to make everything ok so we can carry on without having to disrupt our lives. Noticing the micro-manipulations (and of course other more blatant abuse) can be a critical part of disentangling and being able to move on to a healthier life.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is much better at recognizing micro-manipulations these days.

The Way Out of Narcissistic Relationships is to Stop Understanding

….but perhaps, begin to really understand.

Four years ago, when the scales fell from my eyes and I learned that the incredible toxicity I was living in had a name (covert narcissism), I started to write about my experiences. That book, still very much in progress, is tentatively titled “Stop Understanding.”

Why? Bottom line, because I realized that my propensity for understanding was one of the main reasons I stayed with him. All the nasty toxic crap he pulled? I kept, well, understanding. And what did that understanding look like? Let me count the ways:

ONE: He was trying and failing to make it in a new career, one where I was already successful, which made him jealous. It’s hard to be gracious when you’re feeling low. I’ve been there. I understood.

TWO: He didn’t have much financial stability and money was a huge concern, which tended to make him edgy and defensive. It’s tough to worry about paying the mortgage. I know what it’s like not to have money. I understood.

THREE: He had been mistreated as a child and still carried a great deal of unresolved anger around with him, which made him lash out with cruelty. It sucks to be abused. I know that childhood abuse can have a lifelong impact. I understood.

FOUR: He had ideas he wanted to bring to the world and had a difficult time getting much traction. It’s hard to have things to say when no one seems to be listening. I’ve been through this myself. I understood.

FIVE: He was moody and unsociable and didn’t have any friends to speak of. It’s hard to have a sunny disposition when everything around you seems to be going wrong. I’ve been depressed myself. I understood.

To me, being understanding felt loving, kind, and spiritually aware. Whatever he did, whatever he said, I tried to have compassion. I tried to understand. But what I didn’t understand, my friends, was what was really going on:

ONE: He was starting a new career at age 68 because he’d screwed everything up in his life previously. He had no ability to stick to things, and his entitlement put people off and got him fired from other jobs. He was jealous of my success without being able to see or appreciate that it was the result of 20 years very hard work and advanced education.

TWO: He had money troubles because he was a shopping addict, and because of #1 above, had been unemployed and bankrupt for a significant portion of his life. He was edgy and defensive because it’s likely that on some level he knew all his troubles were self-inflicted.

THREE: While it may be true that he was abused as a child, many children are abused without becoming abusers themselves. He had had years of therapy and coaching and many opportunities to heal and move on, but ended up abusing and manipulating people instead. See Why Narcissists Can’t Change for more on this.

FOUR: He had little to say that was actually interesting or original. He lacked the discipline or intellect to develop his ideas and be someone worth listening to. It was all part of his bluff that he was the world’s greatest undiscovered genius. See the Shallowness of the Narcissist for more on this.

FIVE: He had no friends and an unfulfilling life because sooner or later, he alienated everyone, including me. He wasn’t a victim, as he claimed, he was a victimizer, and the world was simply showing him the results.

And thus, as the fog lifted and I began to see things for what they were, I gave myself some important advice: where narcissists are concerned, you actually need to stop understanding–and start to understand. And while your story may not be quite the same as mine, it can be helpful to ask yourself, am I being “understanding” while not fully seeing what is really going on? Do I need to stop understanding?

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She much more discerning about what she understands these days.

Three Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Tell Them They’re a Narcissist

This is one case where speaking the truth may not be in your best interest.

You’ve figured it out. You’ve watched the videos and read the blogs and books. You get it. The reason your boss, parent or partner is so incredibly difficult to deal with is that they’re a (wait for it) ….freaking narcissist! Or at a minimum, highly narcissistic. And you can’t wait to tell them so.

But as much as you long to speak the truth, set the record straight, tell them you are on to their games, and call out their gaslighting and deception, the best advice is, simply, don’t. Here are three reasons why:

ONE: They already know and they have devoted their lives to masking it. You have just become the biggest threat possible to who they are trying to show the world they “really” are. Reason one not to tell them? It’s generally not safe. Nothing makes a narcissist more upset and potentially vindictive than being found out, and you don’t want to be in the line of fire of an angry narcissist set on revenge. Plus, once they know you’re on to them, they will often pull out all the stops to gaslight you, undermine your self-confidence and destroy your reputation.

TWO: They don’t know because their disrupted personality has blocked awareness of all negative evidence that who they are is difficult to toxic. Narcissists are notoriously incapable of self-reflection. Instead, they externalize, deflect, and blame others for any and all of their mistakes and problems. They can’t see that these are, for the most part, self-inflicted. Reason two not to tell them? It’s generally not effective. You labeling them as a narcissist or even highly narcissistic will simply not compute. And if you do a couple of things can happen. One, they may emotionally project, labeling you the narcissist. Two, they may become angry and vindictive, because they subconsciously know you are right and now a threat.

THREE: The word itself has become a bit tarnished. It has become easy for those accused of narcissism, whether legitimately or not, to throw up their hands and respond “Oh yeah, everyone’s a narcissist these days! I can’t stand the way that word gets thrown around all the time!” etc. Reason three not to tell them? You may risk your own credibility.

But what about my values? You may want to ask. Many targets of narcissistic abuse are off the charts in terms of attributes like honest and integrity. It often goes against the grain to hold back or walk away with no explanation and no closure. This can be one of the hardest things to get one’s head around once you understand that you are dealing with a highly toxic person, but it’s just not worth it. There’s an old southern saying that goes something like: “Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has learned not to tell narcissists what she really thinks.

An Index of the First 100 Posts

Celebrating 100 posts on narcissism, toxic personalities and healing — here’s an index so you can more easily find what you are looking for.

My Own Story
Why this blog is called But Now I Know Your Name
My experiences with a malignant narcissist, and what I learned

General Background
Why a Narcissist Can’t Change
The Red Flags of a Narcissistic Relationship
Narcissism Vocabulary
The Narcissists Self-Inflicted Troubles
The Myth That Narcissism is Self-Love
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
Everyone is NOT Capable of Self-Awareness

Different Types of Narcissists
Different Types of Narcissists
Neglectful Narcissists
What is a Hobosexual?

How Narcissists Tend to Behave
Is it Fighting or Abuse?
How to know what a narcissist is really doing
How Aware is the Narcissist?
Your Value to the Narcissist
The Narcissist’s Mask
The Shallowness of the Narcissist
Living on Crumbs
Gaslighting
Being With a Narcissist is Like Being a Jenga Game
Testing You
The Hoover Stage of Abuse
Narcissistic Lies Are Like Rats
Future Faking
The Narcissist’s Rule Book
You’re Perfect, You’re Wonderful
10 Ways the Narcissist Devalues You
What is Narcissistic Supply?
Narcissistic Pettiness
Lack of Insight
Hitting You Where it Hurts
The Fauxpology
Narcissists are Empty Piggy Banks
A Stopped Clock is Right Twice a Day
Is Narcissistic Manipulation Conscious?
Choosy Beggars

Narcissism in Intimate Relationships / Dating
Why am I Googling Signs My Partner is a Narcissist?
Relationship Reality
Why It’s Ok to Go Slow
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist (guest blogger)
Green Flags of a New Relationship
Soul Mate or Mirroring?
What is Appropriate Interest?
The Narcissist’s Slippery Approach to Commitment

Narcissism in Family Systems
Family Pyramid Schemes
Were You Parentified?
What To Do if You Were Parentified
The All is Forgiven Holiday Trope

Narcissism in the Workplace
The Narcissist At Work
Sorry HR, Don’t Send Me Your Narcissist to Coach
Secondhand Smoke (a metaphor)
How Not To Hire a Narcissist

Info on Targets / Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
Victim, Survivor, or Target?
Are Targets Co-Dependent?
The Trauma Bond
Facing the Truth
Cognitive Traps
Getting a PhD in Toxic Personalities
Going Against Your Own Values?
The Fawn Response to Abuse
What If I’M the Narcissist?
If Only I Hadn’t ___________
Do You Need to Forgive the Narcissist?
Why Not Needing Help Can Be a Trauma Response

Healing
Healing Part One
Climbing the Mountain of Healing
Your Window of Tolerance
Seeing the Forest
Being a Shame-Free Zone for Targets of Abuse
The Grey Rock Method
Designing an Alliance
The Complexity of Forgiveness
Letting Your “Snow Globe” Settle
Grieving What Never Was
10 Tips for Healing
What is Post-Traumatic Growth?
Coming Out of the Hurricane (guest blogger)
The Learning Steps and Healing
Cut Through Emotional Manipulation

Poetry
All the Broken Ones We Tried to Love
The Devil Doesn’t Advertise
This is Not Forever, Although It Is For Now
We Haven’t Said NO Enough
What Is It Then, To Heal?
The Important Role of Fear
The House of Love
Boundaries
Going Back to Who I Was
If I Could Give You One Thing
Our Sacred Light is Not For Sale
Don’t Give Your Treasure to the Bandits
Lost Again in a Familiar Place
If No One Asks You How You Are, You Learn to Say You’re Fine
A Blessing to Honor Ourselves
Embracing Discernment

Resources
10 Favorite Resources
Group Coaching Program
Songs for the Healing Journey

In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. 

The Narcissist’s Fauxpologies

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“That wasn’t my intention, I am sorry you took it that way.”

“I’m sorry you are so angry.”

“I’m sorry, but you provoked me.”

“I’m said I’m sorry, what else do you want from me?!”

What do all these have in common? A) they are not actually apologies and B) they are classic ways narcissists respond to their own screw-ups and mistakes. They are, in current slang, “fauxpologies” and narcissists are full of them. To such an extent that if you are with a narcissist and you are expecting a true apology, you’ll likely be waiting a very long time indeed.

What is a fauxpology? An attempt to to evade the responsibility of having done something bad, using an insincere sentiment. Truly apologizing means accepting responsibility, which is foreign to almost all narcissists. A fauxpology not only doesn’t do this, it often blame shifts as well.

When someone — say, a narcissist — twists something they’ve done wrong to have it be your fault, that’s a form of gaslighting. And it’s confusing and disrupting, because it sort of sounds like a real apology. But according to psychiatrist Aaron Lazare in his book On Apology, an effective apology must first of all be honest. It should also contain four essential elements: 1) recognition of the offense; 2) an explanation of what happened (and here, the most important part is to explain without excusing); 3) an expression of regret and, finally, 4) an “offer of compensation,” such as promising not to make the same mistake in the future.

The above examples fail in terms of all the effective apology elements:

Example One: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is not about what they did, it is about how you feel, with an implication that how you are feeling is wrong. It is a distancing and insidious fauxpology. It sort of sounds like an apology because it acknowledges that you are not feeling good about what happened. But in reality it’s a big old f*** you that does not recognize the offense and takes no responsibility.

Example Two: “That wasn’t my intention, I am sorry you took it that way.” Oh, this one is fun. Instead of a real apology, now you are the one at fault, because you took it wrong and didn’t understand their intention. It’s not an apology, it’s an excuse and blame.

Example Three: “I’m sorry you are so angry.” Well I bet you are, it’s not fun to have someone angry at you. But again, no apology, no acknowledgement for why you may be angry.

Example Four: “I’m sorry, but you provoked me.” Ugh. Starts out ok with the “I’m sorry,” but then immediately shifts the blame because it’s all your fault. Ok, fine, I misbehaved but you made me do it. Nasty stuff.

Example Five: “I’m said I’m sorry, what else do you want from me?!” This is a check the box fauxpology. In other words, I said the right words, now leave me alone. Often said with a raised voice and angry or sarcastic tone, this fauxpology is also designed to put you in the wrong for not accepting their insincere “I’m sorry.”

Let’s acknowledge that it’s not just narcissists who use the fauxpology — many of us can be guilty of not providing an honest, authentic and heartfelt apology when we have done wrong. Why? It can feel vulnerable and shaming to accept responsibility for actions that have had a negative impact. But it is also the way healthy relationships recover, strengthen, and flourish.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has developed a nose (and low tolerance) for the fauxpology.

If Only I Hadn’t ____________.

Fill in the blank with your worst “mistake” that set off a narcissist.

I’m home sick today, reading a book (Family Remains, by Lisa Jewell — good stuff if you like a twisty contemporary mystery) with a very toxic character. His new wife makes the “mistake” of bringing a few mild, ahem, “toys” on their honeymoon. He loses his shit, shames her, and from then on their relationship is never the same. She finds herself thinking, “If only I hadn’t packed those things, we’d be back to where we were…..”

Many targets of narcissistic abuse can relate to this. If only we hadn’t:

~ Brought up a sensitive subject when they were tired or stressed
~ Gone out with friends without them
~ Made the wrong dinner
~ Gotten a B on our report card
~ Challenged them in a meeting
~ Laughed at the wrong time
~ Shown too little appreciation
~ Questioned them about where they were, what they did, their background, etc.

Because you know, if we hadn’t, all would still be great, right? After all, they’ve definitely made it clear that their reaction is our fault. If we hadn’t ___________, they wouldn’t have had to get angry or even violent. Our actions have ruined everything.

This is a classic gaslighting tactic of an abuser, designed for the target to believe and ruminate on. It also serves to constrain behavior and create a “fawn” response. If only I hadn’t done x, y, or z, it would be ok, so I’d better be very careful in the future. It throws the target off center and often the response is to walk on eggshells hoping that if they just behave better, the relationship will be fine.

But as many of us now know, and as the character in my book comes to realize (after her husband escalates and does something much much worse), if it hadn’t been that, it would have been any number of other things. Let’s all say it together: as targets of narcissistic abuse, it’s not our fault the toxic person went off!

This is not to say don’t take responsibility for genuine issues in a relationship if you indeed were thoughtless or unkind. But part of the detangling and healing process is to replace the ruminative thoughts focused on our own “mistakes” that set the toxic person off with the realization that this was likely nothing more than strategy and a control tactic on their part. How do you know the difference? Healthy people don’t lose their s*** over you talking to someone else at a party, being late on a report, or bringing up a sensitive issue. They share how they feel and you discuss it. Like adults.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.  She no longer takes responsibility for this kind of nonsense.

What is a Hobosexual?

I made the mistake of telling my ex on the first date that I a) had inherited some money due to my stepfather’s death and b) was planning to buy a house. (SMH, what was I thinking??) That then, became the drumbeat of our relationship, everything oriented around getting that house — together. He had little money other than Social Security (see my post about how he lied about his age), and certainly nothing available for a down payment. I am now certain this was a major factor in why he both targeted me and pushed to get the estate settled so we could buy a house together — all without even knowing him for a year. He had strong hobosexual tendencies!

Here’s a definition: Hobosexual — to be attracted to someone who can provide you with housing or other benefits. Someone who chooses to live a parasitic lifestyle. Often associated with a narcissistic personality style.

Like most people, I had, of course, never heard this term. But as I share with clients, colleagues and friends, I often see a light dawning in their eyes because they have personally experienced, read about, or known someone who went through this. For example, in the well-known true crime series “Dirty John,” we see John the psychopath going through possible Tinder dates as he sits in his disgusting camper. He’s just been released from prison and he’s looking for a nice, comfy place to land. (Tellingly, in the movie he rejects an attractive date who comes from a family in law enforcement!)

Now of course many of us at times need help from others. And many partners have a disparate investment in a joint home. But as with all things narcissistic, we are looking for a pattern here, and narcissistic personalities very often choose a parasitic lifestyle — and this will reveal itself if you can learn the true story of their history (good luck with that). The entitlement that is a hallmark of this type drives it. After all, why work for something when you can lie, manipulate and con your way into it instead?

A few examples of parasitic, “hobosexual” behavior include:

~ The friend or family member who needs place to stay “for a little while” and then never gets it together to leave.
~ The person who always “forgets” their wallet so you have to pay.
~ The romantic partner who just has to live with you because they are so much in love, but doesn’t have the money to pay their share.
~ The person who routinely borrows money and never repays it.
~ The person with a woe is me victim story who always seems to need your financial help.

I have a memory of standing by the door on our second viewing of the house, just before we signed the papers. He looked at me and said coldly, “Just because you are providing the down payment, don’t assume you have any more rights than me.” I was flabbergasted — what had I ever done to make him think I dealt with life that way?

Once a narcissist has begun to leech off of you, you’ll often see their entitlement amping up. Rather than being grateful for or appreciative of your help, you may instead see them become belligerent, snide, or dismissive. From complaining about what groceries you buy, to refusing to do housework, to turning nasty when you ask to be repaid, they often treat you worse after helping them. This is because needing help from others reminds them they are not actually the false self they have been presenting, thus activating their deep-seated shame. Treating you badly makes them feel they might have the upper hand once more.

I have another memory from shortly after we moved in to the new house and had settled in. He was standing outside his beautiful new office, complete with brand-new wood floors and an on-suite bath. “Wow,” he said. “I can hardly believe this. Look at me, great house, awesome dog. How did I get so lucky?”

I gave him the side-eye and replied. “And — me? Am I part of that?”

“Oh yeah,” he said, catching himself, but responding without enthusiasm. “You too. Of course. Sure.” And you know, I suspected then and I know for sure now, he didn’t mean it. Not in the least. He was just a dyed-in-the-wool parasite displaying his true colors.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has little patience for the parasites of the world.