As we heal from relational trauma and narcissistic abuse, we generally need different things at different stages. In my experience, there is a trajectory to this process although it is rarely linear in nature. We tend to need some strategies early on, others at sort of a midpoint, and still others when a great deal of healing has taken place. Here are a few ideas for each stage.
Things that may help in the early days of healing:
ONE: Make a “red flags” list. This is a list of everything the toxic person did over the time you were together that you now see was probably a red flag. That is, a sign that this was not actually a good person to be involved with. I find it can be helpful to go back through your calendar as a memory aid. I like to make three columns: 1) When, 2) What Happened, and 3) What I Did. (When I did this myself after leaving, I was stunned to see that in the What I Did column 90% of the time it said “I let it go.”)
WHY DO THIS: It helps with any abuse amnesia or rumination around whether or not you should go back to them. Just pull out (or think about) the red flags to remind yourself of how bad it actually was. The list also helps reconstruct what is called a narrative memory of the abusive relationship — our memories of trauma have a tendency to be fragmented, all over the place and hard to understand cognitively. Thus bringing specific incidents into awareness and putting them in date order can be very helpful.
TWO: Focus on self care. Anything that decreases stress, helps your nervous system settle, and is a way of being kind to yourself is more than a great idea — it’s actually essential. Acupuncture, massage, being in nature, art, music, etc. all tend to help. Anything soothing and gentle can really make a difference.
WHY DO THIS: This isn’t just a platitude or cliche. The stress of being in a toxic relationship as well as the stress of leaving one is generally quite severe. Your nervous system was probably on edge for much of the time you were around this person (whether intimate partner, work, family member, etc.). It needs some extra help in order to reset. And often not until our systems are more settled can we really see or deal with what we need to. (See Letting the Snow Globe Settle.)
THREE: Educate yourself. Reading, watching videos, sharing stories with others, whatever works for you. This is a time to find out about the typical patterns of narcissistic abuse, and there are tons of resources out there to help.
WHY DO THIS: As I have said many times in this blog, knowledge is power. The more you know, the more you can see that — contrary to what you were probably told — what you went through was not your fault.
Things that may help at a sort of “midpoint” of healing:
FOUR: Explore your values and what you want out of life. This can be something you journal about on your own or explore with a professional coach (preferably one who is trauma-certified). Here are some journal prompts you can use on your own:
~ What are some things that have always been important to me?
~ What do I love to do, even if no one else approves or cares?
~ When do I tend to lose track of time due to being engaged in what I am doing?
~ What are some qualities I really admire in others (whatever we admire in others is something we want for ourselves)?
~ What makes me angry or upset? The opposite of this is something you value.
NOTE: Do NOT tell the toxic person what you are discovering about yourself. They will only tear you down. The last thing they want is for you to know your own value and direction in life!
WHY DO THIS: Many targets of narcissistic abuse have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy making things work for the other person — often at the cost of their own joy and life purpose. Additionally, narcissists classically chip away at the target’s core in the devalue stage of the idealize, devalue, discard cycle. This is in order to destabilize you and make you more susceptible to their abuse. Therefore, re-stabilizing yourself is key to healing.
FIVE: Reflect on your own worthiness. Start putting attention on your own value and worth. Here are a few journaling prompts you can use:
~ What can I admire about myself (for example, a quality, trait, or strength)?
~ What is something positive someone close to me has said about me recently? What can I own/take in about that?
~ What is something I’d like to start saying about myself?
~ What is something kind, appreciative or loving I have done recently (or could do) for myself?
WHY DO THIS: Similar to the reasons I mention under #4 above, many targets come out of narcissist abuse in a fog of uncertainty about whether or not they have any essential value in the world. After all, when a significant person in your life (family, intimate partner, boss, or even “friend”) has been basically telling you that you are worthless, it can be very difficult for even the strongest person not to internalize that at least to some degree. Focusing on your worth is a way of activating the brain’s neuroplasticity — in essence, “rewiring” the thoughts and beliefs you have internalized about yourself.
SIX: Start to question and push back on anything you hear about relationships that you now know are toxic myths. For example, when people say “Oh everyone is basically just trying to do their best.” Or, “It takes two to make a fight.” Or, “All relationships take work, you just need to try harder.” And similar crap. You don’t need to be confrontational, it can be enough to simply say something like “Well, that hasn’t been my personal experience.” Note: don’t do this with highly conflictual people or if saying anything disrupts your own nervous system. It can be enough to just think it to yourself and then leave the conversation if and when possible.
WHY DO THIS: A) It alerts other people to the toxic myths that help to keep people stuck in abusive relationships; and B) it is a way of you validating your own reality and as mentioned above, helping to ‘rewire” your own thoughts and beliefs.
SEVEN: Practice boundary setting and work to expand your comfort zone with this. It can help to think of this like training for a marathon–start small with low-hanging fruit and keep expanding. For example, start by stating what you want with a friend who you already know will be receptive and work your way up to more challenging people in your life.
WHY DO THIS: Two reasons. One is that it is hard to heal a wound if someone keeps poking at it, and having boundaries is often the only way to give yourself healing time and space. And two, for most targets, boundary setting can be challenging because we’ve been trained to be accommodating and put others first. Even if you’ve set a boundary with your main source of toxic abuse, it’s still likely that boundaries in general don’t come easy and need to be practiced.
Things that may help when a great deal of healing has taken place:
EIGHT: Start exploring any relationship patterns in your life that don’t work for you. On your own or with a trauma-certified professional coach or therapist, bring into awareness any repeated patterns of behavior you now notice. This might be that you have had many relationships with people who don’t take you seriously, or have worked for a lot of dominating bosses. Ask yourself what you tend to do and how you tend to feel when you encounter this behavior and if you want to explore different strategies going forward.
WHY DO THIS: At later points in healing, it can be very helpful to look at our own role in things from a place of pure curiosity. While it is by no means our fault that we were conned, abused, and devalued, there can also be a personal pattern (often learned in our own family of origin or elsewhere early on) that needs to be disrupted.
NINE: Explore your “Super Traits” — how do they help you and how do they not? Take a look at the Super Traits listed in the link and see a) which ones you resonate with; b) how these traits help you; and c) where they might over-calibrate and make you more susceptible to being targeted and/or trapped by narcissists.
WHY DO THIS: Our Super Traits can also be our kryptonite. And again, at later stages this can be a fascinating place to explore — without blaming ourselves for “creating” the abuse.
TEN: Take the Post Traumatic Growth Inventory. Follow the link and explore another perspective on trauma, that of post-traumatic growth, not just post-traumatic stress.
WHY DO THIS: This is a wonderful inventory to explore at later stages of your healing. It helps us see that even though we would never wish what happened to us on anyone else, there can be hidden gifts and blessings in the experience.
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In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She’s very grateful for the healing she’s experienced by exploring all ten of these tips.
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