The Myth of the Frog in Boiling Water

The urban legend is that if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out immediately, but if you place a frog in tepid water and gradually turn up the heat, the frog will stay in the pot because it acclimates to the temperature until it boils to death. 

This story is often used to make the point that gradual change can be imperceptible until it is too late. According to biologists, this is complete BS. Frogs would die if thrown into boiling water, and would jump out of water that increased in temperature once it became uncomfortable.

Which is perhaps too bad (although not for the frogs of course), because it’s a great metaphor for how we grow acclimated to things we probably would never tolerate if thrown at us full force. And to apply this to narcissistic abuse, it’s been my experience that the heat usually gets turned up gradually.

In my own case, the water definitely heated imperceptibly slowly, which was almost impossible to detect at the time:

ONE: He gets a little distant and seems slightly less enthusiastic about the relationship. That’s ok, I think, no one stays in the honeymoon period forever. The water is becoming tepid.

TWO: He no longer wants to have breakfast together every morning. That’s ok, I think, he gets up earlier than me and is hungry. I understand. The water warms up a little more.

THREE: He stops being at all interested in my work. That’s ok, I think. He’s focusing on creating a new coaching business himself, and I’m already established. It’s natural that he is more focused on himself. The water is warm, but not uncomfortable yet.

FOUR: He doesn’t want to just hang out together any more in the evenings after dinner. That’s ok, I think. He gets up early and he’s tired at night. The water is getting a bit too warm at this point (not that I notice).

FIVE: He goes from being uninterested in my work to subtly belittling it. I’m confused as to whether or not this is ok. What he says is not outright insulting. Rather, his comments are within the scope of plausible deniability as to whether or not they are meant to put me down. And so, I don’t raise it as an issue even though I don’t like it. The water is hot but I think I can take it.

SIX: He starts giving me the silent treatment when I do something he doesn’t like. That’s not ok, I think, but it doesn’t happen that often and we always “get closer” when we talk it through afterwards. And I understand he is “trying” to deal with his anger. This is hot water, but I am coping, although starting to become a little concerned about the temperature.

SEVEN: He starts going off on me when I raise issues. He yells, rages, tells me I am toxic, terrible to live with. I have pretty much the same response as #6 above. Even hotter. Starting to bubble. I’m wondering if I can stay but I’m still trying to make it work.

EIGHT: He starts threatening me when I express unhappiness at the way he is treating me, telling me to pack my bags (wait, it’s my house too and I paid the down payment). Ok, now it’s boiling. I’m completely discombobulated, freaked out and scared. How in the hell did I end up in boiling hot water?

As the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” After I jumped out of the boiling water, let my nervous system settle, and had some time to reflect, I could see how the water heated up. But of course, as I was “living life forward,” it was very very difficult to see what was going on.

Why is this? Humans have a tremendous ability to adapt. (In fact, Darwin’s theory of evolution is often misunderstood as survival of the “fittest,” when in truth, it is survival of the most adaptable.) We normalize things and adapt ourselves in order to get through the day. The water heats up and, when it does so gradually, we may not even notice.

One thing that can help targets of narcissistic abuse who are in water that is getting hotter, is to ask themselves, if the person behaved this way in the first weeks I knew them, would I have continued on with the relationship? If they did this sort of thing on the first or second date, would I have kept going? If the answer is no, it might be a good idea to find some professional support to help you get out of water that is about to boil.

Frogs, it turns out, may be smarter than humans. They jump out of water when it gets too hot.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

The Narcissist’s Invisible Lid

A client told me this recently. Apparently, the way they train fleas for a flea circus is to put them in a jar with a lid on. The fleas jump, hit the lid, and quickly learn that this is as far as they can go. When the lid is removed, they still stay within its bounds, having learned to limit their jumps.

One thing that folks who haven’t been through narcissistic abuse often have a hard time understanding is why the target complies and acts so cowed when the narcissist appears to be fairly benign. From the outside perspective, it can look like the target is overreacting, or even that it is their failing, and not the impact of abuse.

And targets as well may question themselves for feeling limited and constrained. What’s wrong with me? they wonder. Why can’t I just stand up for myself? After all, I am an adult and responsible for my own choices, right? Well yes, in theory. And in theory, the fleas could jump away. But they don’t.

What I have seen in narcissistic relationships is that the narcissist often creates a “lid” early on, reinforcing it as needed to keep the target in line. This can be done by raging about something and threatening or demonstrating physical violence, and/or more subtly through put-downs, accusations, the silent treatment, pouting, or even consistent lack of interest in your life and pursuits.

All these strategies “teach” the target to behave, because hitting up against the narcissist’s lid is generally painful. In my own case, about three months in the X went off on me, yelling and storming around because I simply asked for more connection. I was accused (loudly) of being needy and insecure and not understanding him. (His actual bizarre words were “you have no craft in understanding me.” WTF? This came out of nowhere and my nervous system was so jangled and disrupted that this statement is actually the only clear memory I have of the interaction.)

The impact? While I did not completely stop asking for what I needed, I became much more cautious and careful about how and when I did it. From then on I never brought up something I was not happy about without first making sure he was calm and in a reasonably good mood. Then I would sort of “tiptoe” my way in, with lots of “I’m sure it’s not your intention….” and “I’m sure it’s just me…..” etc. Ugh.

I’ve seen others act as if they are on an invisible leash, constantly checking phones, leaving events early, going above and beyond to anticipate the toxic person’s needs, and so on, as they do their best to avoid hitting the lid.

The benefit to the narcissist? Once they have the target trained, they don’t need to expend the energy to keep them in line. The flea won’t jump away, and it will do the tricks it is supposed to do.

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Want to get rid of your lid and live your life with more freedom and self-expression? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She had to learn what her lid was and that she no longer has one.

Why Narcissists Like to Use the Silent Treatment

The X’s adult daughter was in town and we were out cruising galleries and shops with her for the day. Every time I tried to engage him he basically ignored me or gave me monosyllabic answers, all the while energized and happy to chat with her. I was completely baffled as to what was going on, but didn’t want to call him out for his behavior in front of his daughter.

Later when we were home and on our own I asked him what was going on. Why had he been so distant all day? He said he was angry that I had been waking him up when he snored, and that he wasn’t getting any sleep because of me. I was stunned, and replied “Why didn’t you just tell me?” He mumbled something lame about not realizing he could bring things up, which was total BS of course. The truth was, he simply wanted to punish me. Little did I know at the time that this was yet another “tell” that I was with a narcissist, because this, my friends, is one of their favorite tools.

Elie Wiesel, prolific writer and Holocaust survivor famously said, “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” And he’s right — to be ignored feels far worse than to be hated. When we are ignored, we have no idea what to do or say to make it any better or deal with the issue. This, I believe, is why the silent treatment is a favorite narcissist tactic, designed to get you to behave or comply.

Simply ignoring you also makes them feel they are in absolute control of the situation. After all, if you don’t know why they are mad and disconnecting, they have information you don’t have, and thus can feel smug and superior all the while watching you become more and more distressed because you can’t figure out what the heck is happening and why.

The silent treatment can range from a milder version such as in my example above, where the person is just cold and abrupt, to completely refusing to acknowledge a partner’s existence for hours, days, or even weeks at a time. If living together, this can make the partner who is being ignored feel like a shadow in their own home. If not sharing a home, it is just as bad, leaving the partner with no idea what is going on, what the other is thinking, what to expect, or even if the relationship is somehow unexpectedly over.

Either way, it is, not to put too fine a point on it, crazy-making and highly toxic. For the narcissist, ideally you will “learn” to be more careful and behave better so that you stay in their good graces. Also, for many, this checking out from from the relationship gives them a sort of break. Ignoring you means they don’t have to deal with anything emotional or put their real, engaged human being mask on. It sounds awful, but giving you the silent treatment can be an relief to this disordered personality, in that they don’t have to pretend to care.

More commonly if you confront them and ask what is going on, the narcissist will reply “nothing,” not respond at all, or say something like “you know what you did.” (In my case, I probably got a better response than what is typical with narcissists, in that he did actually acknowledge there was an issue, however ridiculous his response.)

What to do? Well, like many things in this whole arena, the big answer to this question is to focus on yourself. If you can, build your social networks with people who do see and love you, so you can feel you truly exist and are cared for. Focus on what fills you up rather than trying to get the person to pay attention. The silent treatment, like all toxic narcissistic behavior, is not really about you. It’s a sign they are deeply disordered and immature. Ideally, treat them like you would a toddler having a tantrum, and go on with your life.

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In the process of healing and need some support? 
Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She now has a zero-tolerance policy for this sort of nonsense.