There is a wonderful section in the movie “A Room With A View” (based on the 1908 novel by E.M. Forster). Helena Bonham Carter’s character, Lucy Honeychurch, is engaged to a pompous ass but really in love with a young man she met when visiting Italy. She doesn’t want to face the truth of the situation, so you see a series of vignettes which she lies to everyone involved, starting with her fiancee and ending with herself. Each is introduced with a title card stating “Lying to Cecil,” “Lying to Her Brother,” and brilliantly, “Lying to Herself.” I so often think about this scene when I am remembering my own narcissistic abuse or watching others wake up to theirs. Lying to herself.
“You’re bringing your bad relationship into our relationship.” I was stunned when my very best friend–my business partner and soul sister–said this to me a bit less than two years into my relationship with the narcissist. Wait, what? My bad relationship? Was that what it was? It wasn’t easy to get my head around, but I trusted my friend absolutely and valued her perspective immensely. I sat for a minute in shock before I said to myself, oh shit, she’s right. That was exactly what it was. Bad. I’ll never forget that moment when the scales fell from my eyes.
This really was a spiritual two-by-four over the head. I had been unwilling to acknowledge to myself or anyone else how bad it was and how down and hopeless I felt. I kept telling myself we were “working on things,” and that it was “getting better.” But I was the only one putting in any work, and to be honest, it was getting progressively worse. I was slowly but surely shutting down. Instead of my normal upbeat self, I was down and depressed. And the problem was that I was, like Lucy Honeychurch, lying to myself.
Now, facing the truth in this type of situation can be complex. In a previous post I talked about the impact of the trauma bond, and this definitely plays a role. The truth has to get past all the defenses we’ve put up to maintain what we want to believe–that this is a good relationship, job, family, etc. That the problems are just normal “issues” and not inherently toxic and likely unresolvable (see Why Narcissists Can’t Change: the Broken Mug Metaphor). This is a lot to face.
So how on earth do we overcome our internal road blocks to accepting that the toxic relationship is not what we hope it is, but what it actually is? In talking with many people who have come through relational trauma, here are some things that made a difference.
ONE: Good friends who support you and will tell you the truth as they see it. It’s a tough position for them to be in–what if they criticize your partner and you decide to stay together? In my case, I found out later that a few friends had seen what was going on for a while, but didn’t want to jump in with labels or accusations. I respect this–it’s a tough call. And while I don’t have a formula for how and when, at some point hearing a good friend’s perspective on things can be eye-opening and even lifesaving. (More on this complex subject in a later post.)
TWO: If you possibly can, find a large chunk of time to be alone and outside the influence of the toxic person. Journal, meditate, walk in nature. This is much more than cliche “self-care” advice–we need the chance to reset our disrupted nervous systems in order to think more clearly, and we can’t do that if the person we are unsure about is around and keeping us off balance. It’s often amazing what we can see clearly when the dust settles and we feel more ourselves again.
THREE: Again, as I have said ad naseum in this blog, education is key. Read and watch experts in this area. The more you know about the classic patterns and behaviors, the harder it is to ignore them in front of you. As the saying goes, once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Lastly, I want to add that I don’t have any blame for myself or anyone else who finds it hard to come to terms with the truth of an abusive relationship, toxic person, family, or system. Navigating leaving and healing from this is very often the hardest thing we’ll ever have to do. There is no set timeline or right way to do it. I wish us all patience, persistence, and grace along the way.
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In the process of healing and need some support? Our relational trauma group coaching program starts late September 2022. Or contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She tries to have a healthy relationship with the truth these days.
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