The Narcissist’s Fauxpologies

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“That wasn’t my intention, I am sorry you took it that way.”

“I’m sorry you are so angry.”

“I’m sorry, but you provoked me.”

“I’m said I’m sorry, what else do you want from me?!”

What do all these have in common? A) they are not actually apologies and B) they are classic ways narcissists respond to their own screw-ups and mistakes. They are, in current slang, “fauxpologies” and narcissists are full of them. To such an extent that if you are with a narcissist and you are expecting a true apology, you’ll likely be waiting a very long time indeed.

What is a fauxpology? An attempt to to evade the responsibility of having done something bad, using an insincere sentiment. Truly apologizing means accepting responsibility, which is foreign to almost all narcissists. A fauxpology not only doesn’t do this, it often blame shifts as well.

When someone — say, a narcissist — twists something they’ve done wrong to have it be your fault, that’s a form of gaslighting. And it’s confusing and disrupting, because it sort of sounds like a real apology. But according to psychiatrist Aaron Lazare in his book On Apology, an effective apology must first of all be honest. It should also contain four essential elements: 1) recognition of the offense; 2) an explanation of what happened (and here, the most important part is to explain without excusing); 3) an expression of regret and, finally, 4) an “offer of compensation,” such as promising not to make the same mistake in the future.

The above examples fail in terms of all the effective apology elements:

Example One: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is not about what they did, it is about how you feel, with an implication that how you are feeling is wrong. It is a distancing and insidious fauxpology. It sort of sounds like an apology because it acknowledges that you are not feeling good about what happened. But in reality it’s a big old f*** you that does not recognize the offense and takes no responsibility.

Example Two: “That wasn’t my intention, I am sorry you took it that way.” Oh, this one is fun. Instead of a real apology, now you are the one at fault, because you took it wrong and didn’t understand their intention. It’s not an apology, it’s an excuse and blame.

Example Three: “I’m sorry you are so angry.” Well I bet you are, it’s not fun to have someone angry at you. But again, no apology, no acknowledgement for why you may be angry.

Example Four: “I’m sorry, but you provoked me.” Ugh. Starts out ok with the “I’m sorry,” but then immediately shifts the blame because it’s all your fault. Ok, fine, I misbehaved but you made me do it. Nasty stuff.

Example Five: “I’m said I’m sorry, what else do you want from me?!” This is a check the box fauxpology. In other words, I said the right words, now leave me alone. Often said with a raised voice and angry or sarcastic tone, this fauxpology is also designed to put you in the wrong for not accepting their insincere “I’m sorry.”

Let’s acknowledge that it’s not just narcissists who use the fauxpology — many of us can be guilty of not providing an honest, authentic and heartfelt apology when we have done wrong. Why? It can feel vulnerable and shaming to accept responsibility for actions that have had a negative impact. But it is also the way healthy relationships recover, strengthen, and flourish.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has developed a nose (and low tolerance) for the fauxpology.