Hint: the fact that you are asking this generally means you’re not.
Most narcissists just don’t stop to consider — or care — whether or not they are one. Thus, this isn’t a question they typically ask themselves or others. Conversely, this concern is common amongst my clients who are experiencing narcissistic abuse. Sometimes this is because one of the things narcissists like say to gaslight their targets is “You’re such a narcissist,” or something equivalent. (In my case, the ex loved to say “You make everything about yourself.”) As empathic beings, we targets naturally stop to check. Am I? Do I? Is that a character flaw? Should I be even more empathetic? How can I be a better person? Oh dear, I thought I was living my values but maybe I am not.
Of course, the narcissist is simply projecting their own flaws onto the target — in this case, in the most obvious way. But honestly, it’s kind of brilliant on the narcissist’s part to accuse the target not only of what they are themselves, but of being the thing that the target least wants to be. Talk about a mind you-know-what.
But even if the toxic person doesn’t accuse the target of being narcissistic, the target still often wonders if they are. I think this can come from a) being sensitized to the impact of the toxic behavior they themselves are experiencing and not wanting to repeat it — even towards the source of their own abuse; and b) confusing things like simply setting boundaries and taking care of themselves with being narcissistic.
I wanted a simple way for targets to check whether they themselves are being narcissistic (or just trying to live as a healthy person), and realized I could draw on the brilliant Dr. Ramani’s CRAVED model of understanding narcissistic behavior. This is an acronym for the six ways narcissists typically behave (see below). The more you can check off, the more narcissistic the person is. So in this case, we can apply it the ourselves to check to see what’s really up. Go ahead and score yourself on a scale of one to five for each:
ONE: Am I habitually CONFLICTUAL? Do I seek, instigate and even enjoy conflict or do I most typically get pushed into it by others?
TWO: Am I typically RIGID and inflexible? Do I always need to have things my way? Do I ignore others’ needs and concerns because it is “my way or the highway?”
THREE: Am I a highly ANTAGONISTIC person? Do I interact with the world with underlying hostility? Do I assume everything is a contest or a fight?
FOUR: Am I a VICTIM and/or VINDICTIVE? Do I try to take advantage of people with a woe is me story? Do I hold grudges and seek revenge?
FIVE: Do I feel ENTITLED? Do I feel I am owed things without doing anything to earn or deserve them?
SIX: Am I typically DYSREGULATED? Do I have difficulty controlling or recovering from strong emotions, especially anger? Do I rant and rave and make people around walk on eggshells?
I don’t have a scoring key, you’ll have to judge for yourself what is within or out of bounds. But I’d say in general if you score high on a number of these on the list, well, yes, you probably are highly narcissistic and toxic. In this case, please get some help. But if you score low, as most targets do, then please trust that you are not what you are being accused of. It’s just projection. You’re not the narcissist.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has also asked herself if she’s narcissistic and found that she scores pretty low on most the CRAVED model. Except Rigidity, because sometimes she’s pretty convinced she’s right!
But Now I Know Your Name 