Getting a PhD in Toxic Personalities

How many of you went looking for a nice relationship and ended up with a PhD in toxic personality disorders?

I’ve seen this meme a few times in narcissist abuse recovery groups. The first time I saw it I nearly choked on my coffee. “Yes!” I shouted to the cats, who yawned and said yeah, well, we tried to tell you….

But seriously folks, one of the most heartbreaking things about being a target of narcissistic abuse is that none of us went looking for it. Let me repeat that. None. Of. Us. Went. Looking. For. It. Not in our families, not in our workplaces, not in a friendship, and certainly not in an intimate partner. We may be flawed and imperfect as human beings tend to be. We may be works in progress. We may have annoying habits and limiting beliefs. But none of us went looking to be a target of abuse. We went looking for something positive and productive.

But when the scales fell from our eyes, we had to figure out what this thing we got involved in really was. It’s common for survivors of abuse to dive deep into books, YouTube videos, documentaries, and blogs like this one. (To such an extent sometimes that there are even videos entitled “How to Know if You Are Watching Too Many YouTube Videos on Narcissism.”)

Why is this? Because the way narcissists treat those around them goes profoundly against the grain of human relatedness. We are wired to connect, to trust, to love, and to support. It’s how we’ve survived for thousands of years. So when we are treated in the opposite manner, no matter how hard we may be trying to be a positive force in the relationship, it’s confusing to say the least.

And so, many of us fall down the rabbit hole of the narcissism abuse recovery world, and thank goodness it is there. We benefit greatly from the wisdom of both experts and fellow travelers. Their advice and stories help us put our own experiences into context, illuminating the patterns and tendencies of these toxic personalities so that we can depersonalize the abuse and see it for what it is. Not our fault and not what we signed up for.

And if we spend enough time there, yes, it may feel like we’ve gotten a PhD in narcissistic abuse and toxic personalities. And if this helps us avoid it in the future and help others to recognize it too, well, then, I’m not saying it was worth it, but at least we got something out of the whole mess.

Check out my blog on ten of my favorite narcissist abuse recovery resources here.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She listens more carefully to her cats and other experts these days.

Knowledge is Power: Ten Favorite Resources for Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

As I have said many times in this blog, knowledge is power. The vast majority of us who got caught up in a toxic relationship with someone highly narcissistic simply did not know who and what we were dealing with. We didn’t know the typical patterns or the red flags, and we didn’t have a good snake identification guide. And so most of us personalized the treatment we received, and tried to deal with the issues individually, rather than understanding that this is a much larger problem than that. Some have even said the biggest health threat we have today are toxic systems and relationships.[1]

And so, what are some good resources for understanding relational trauma, narcissistic abuse, and the process of healing? There are so many it’s hard to know where to stop, but here are ten of my current favorites.

ONE: Anything by the amazing Dr. Ramani Durvasula, who goes by Dr. Ramani. She has a very robust YouTube channel and a wonderful podcast, Navigating Narcissism. I also love her book Don’t You Know Who I Am? She is grounded, compassionate, and brilliant. Highly recommend.

TWO: Dr. Les Carter, also on YouTube at Surviving Narcissism. Great advice from a therapist with a heart of gold.

THREE: A Little Bit Culty podcast. Hosted by NXIVM survivors Sarah Edmondson and Anthony “Nippy” Ames. Highly informational (and entertaining). Not only a great resource on cultic abuse, they also cover many things narcissistic.

FOUR: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson. One of the best books I’ve read about the impact of growing up with toxic parents. I recommend to everyone.

FIVE: The Deepest Well, by Nadine Burke Harris, M.D. Fascinating overview of the lifelong impact of the trauma of Adverse Childhood Experiences.

SIX: The Science of Evil, by Simon Baron-Cohen. This is a very thorough research-based look at many different types of empathy and how they show up (or rather, don’t) in narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths.

SEVEN: The Psychopath Inside, by James Fallon. A neuroscientist discovers he has the brain structure and genes of a psychopath, and takes us into his world.

EIGHT: The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist, by Debbie Mirza. I devoured this book, because it so spoke to my own experience with the type of narcissist it can be harder to recognize: the covert or “victim” narcissist.

NINE: Women Who Love Psychopaths, by Sandra Brown. This covers the research on Super Traits and explains why it’s not always the co-dependent personality who ends up with a toxic person.

TEN: Dying for a Paycheck by Stanford University professor Jeffrey Pfeffer. The true cost of toxic workplaces written by a respected business professor. When asked what surprised him as he was writing the book he said “Two things. One, it is way worse than I thought. And two, nobody seems to care.”

We also keep an evolving list on our website, so check there as well!

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In the process of healing and need some support? Our relational trauma group coaching program starts late September 2022. Or contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is deeply appreciate and endlessly grateful for the wisdom of these YouTubers, authors, and researchers.

[1] See Dying for a Paycheck.