Why Am I Googling “Signs My Partner is a Narcissist?”

Narcissist abuse recovery joke: What’s the number one sign you are in a relationship with a narcissist? You find yourself searching “signs my partner is a narcissist.”

In my house, I have a little shrine to the gods of the internet search, because honestly I was lost until I Googled “Can someone be a victim and still be a narcissist?” and was rewarded with hundreds of results on covert narcissism (so helpful). But I never thought to ask myself a more fundamental question, which was why was I even asking that in the first place? In other words, does someone in a healthy, mutually supportive relationship need to search that sort of question? Probably not.

Relational abuse is confusing, whether it is from an intimate partner, a boss, a family member or even a friend. This is probably why we search the internet for clues to understand them. The behavior of narcissistic personalities often does not follow normal human relationship logic. And unless you understand the logic they are following, you are playing by two different sets of rules.

So what is the logic of a narcissist? What rules do they play by that make them so confusing to those of us who expect normal human relationships? Here are five basic rules they seem to live by:

1. It’s all about me. Everything I do is ultimately for my own benefit, stimulation, and entertainment. Everything you say that I don’t like, or that threatens my need for superiority in some way, will be twisted, misrepresented, and/or thrown back at you in an unfair way. If I perceive you are no use to me, I may simply ignore you.
2. No matter how beautiful, intelligent and fabulous you are, I will get tired of you. My “supply” needs are met through novelty and when you become old hat, I have to look elsewhere. This may or many not be another person–I can get novelty through gambling, shopping, drinking, drugs, and even picking a fight.
3. On some level, it upsets me that you don’t continue to be a good source of supply, and I may punish you for this. I don’t really understand my own need for novelty, so I blame you for no longer being what you once were for me. (This can be supremely crazy-making, by the way.)
4. My brain often doesn’t process in a logical, linear way, but I have limited to no ability to recognize this. I’ll say things that make no sense, often in such a confident manner that the people around me think they are the stupid ones who can’t follow. (This is known as a “word salad” because it’s like all the words are just thrown into a bowl together.)
5. I need to keep you off-balance, dependent and scared. This makes it less likely you’ll look clearly at me and see behind my mask. I use tactics such as gaslighting and coercive control to keep you from seeing me too clearly.

If we can understand that these are some of the rules they are playing by, we can stop expecting a normal relationship. Then the question becomes, how to move forward? The problem is, as targets of narcissistic abuse, we tend to be higher than usual in pro-social traits, making it hard to impossible to play by their rules, even if we wanted to. So they won’t play by normal relationship rules and we can’t play by theirs. This is why most experts in the field advise walking away if and when you can. More on how to leave a narcissistic partner, boss, or family member to come.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Our relational trauma group coaching program starts fall 2022. Or contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She doesn’t really have a shrine to the internet gods but she does often think about how grateful she is to have this resource at her fingertips.