But What Can You Do For ME? Your Value to the Narcissist

One of the hardest things for me in being involved with a toxic narcissist as an intimate partner was the feeling that to him, I had little to no intrinsic value. It was difficult to see the pattern when I was deeply in it, but once I was out and had the head space to reflect, the pattern became more and more obvious.

When was he the nicest and most accommodating? Always when he wanted something. Was he running low on money and needed a “loan?” All of a sudden he’s interested in what I have to say. Did he need some help with a business challenge? For once I might have valuable advice. This was like water in the desert to my emotionally starved soul, and is a key factor in creating what is known as a “trauma bond” in narcissistic abuse.

As any new psychology student learns early on, intermittent reinforcement is much more compelling than continuous reinforcement or no reinforcement. When pushing a lever to receive a food pellet may or may not work, mice will push it all the time, while mice that know a food pellet will come every time just push the lever when they are hungry. And if a food pellet never arrives, mice of course give up and leave it alone. Intermittent reinforcement is a part of the classic Idealize, Devalue, Discard cycle of relational abuse, used to keep the target off guard and destabilized. Will I get a reward this time? Will they be nice to me? You never know.

When a target gets very upset, or even comes to the point of being ready to leave, it’s common that the toxic person starts doing some or all of the things they have been asking for. Not only does this often feel like an incredible relief to the target, the brain of a person caught in relational abuse tends to process this as that the narcissist has finally changed. That they have listened to your requests and seen the error of their ways, and it is going to be a healthy relationship from now on.

Yeah, right. If only….. I have had many conversations with clients who one week told me they were done, and the next week came back to say they had had a good conversation with the narcissist and s/he had seen the light and was going to change and my client was once again filled with hope. It’s so hard to see that this is almost always simply a manipulation on the part of the narcissist. You were going to take away something they wanted–a secure source of “supply,” the appearance of being a good partner/mother/father, status in the community, etc. They wanted something and so are being “nice.” Sorry, but it’s not real. It may feel nice, but honestly, it’s the furthest thing from it, because it is not sourced by kindness from the narcissist, but rather, is simply a strategy to control the situation. The research is pretty darn clear that the narcissist can’t really change.

One simple buffer against this confusing and dysregulating strategy is to start to replace the word “nice” in your internal and external language with “manipulative.” Instead of “So and so was so nice to me and the kids this weekend, it must be getting better,” what about “So and so was so manipulative this weekend, I wonder what they are up to.”

I’m not saying this is an easy switch. As targets, we want with every fiber of our beings for the narcissist to return to being the kind, understanding person we met in the early love-bombing stage of the relationship. Our brains tend to tell us this is who they “really” are, and the dismissive, abusive, controlling person we are dealing with is the anomaly. It’s a major cognitive effort to realize that the reality of the situation is flipped.

There is a powerful saying in the narcissistic abuse recovery field, which is that once you really see it, you can’t unsee it. Knowledge is power, and the more we can understand what drives this sort of person, the more we can untangle ourselves and live the joyful lives we are here to live.

—————————-

In the process of healing and need some support? Our relational trauma group coaching program starts fall 2022. Or contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is a big believer in the power of education around narcissism and narcissistic abuse.