Shame is one of the things that keeps targets stuck in abusive relationships. It’s a tool used by the abuser to keep the target feeling disempowered and weak, and it’s also a huge reason targets often don’t tell anyone what’s going on. Few of us want to admit to ourselves, much less anyone else, that the job or relationship or family is not only not living up to expectations, it is actually hurting us.
If you are a friend or family or co-worker of someone who you see is being treated in an abusive way, or who screws up their courage to disclose to you that they are in a toxic relationship, please–if you do one thing–provide a shame-free zone for them. No matter how strong any of us seem, it’s not easy to face, much less share, that we are in this sort of situation. The last thing we need is someone else to layer on more judgment. We’ve generally had enough of that from the abuser and ourselves.
Here’s a few simple DONTS for friends and family of targets of abuse:
ONE: Ask how they could have gotten themself into such a situation, why they don’t leave, why they chose that person, etc. “Gee you sure can pick them!” This just makes us feel worse than we already do.
TWO: Storm in and take over, and/or give unsolicited advice. “Get packed, I am taking you to my house.” This can make us feel defensive–we may not be ready to fully face things and/or willing or able to leave. (NOTE: if there is physical abuse, please see advice from Domestic Violence experts.)
THREE: Label the person a narcissist or sociopath etc. “Wow, s/he’s really a narcissist, isn’t s/he?” Labels may make us feel defensive. Better to focus on the behavior you notice. (See below.)
FOUR: Invalidate how we are feeling or what we are thinking/planning. “Oh, you don’t want to leave them, how will you support yourself? They are not that bad, are they?” It’s confusing enough trying to detangle from narcissistic abuse, we don’t need difficulties pointed out as reasons not to go. We’ve probably already thought of them anyway.
FIVE: Treat the abuse as a compatibility issue or a bad break-up. “Oh relationships are hard, everyone knows that.” Narcissistic abuse is far more traumatic and damaging than simple compatibility challenges or growing apart, and it can be very hard to understand or relate to unless you’ve been through it yourself. The key word here is abuse.
SIX: Recommend couple’s therapy (unless you know the therapist is well informed and well trained in the area of relational abuse–not all are). “Oh, every couple fights, maybe you need couple’s counseling.” If the perpetrator is highly narcissistic, couple’s counseling can be at best, ineffective due to lack of authentic engagement by the abusive person, or at worst, dangerous in that the narcissist may deploy their characteristic charm towards the therapist as well. If they work to get the therapist “on their side” (and yes, it happens), the target can end up even more abused and invalidated in the course of therapy itself.
And a few powerful DOs:
ONE: Listen without judgment and validate our feelings. Be curious, but gentle, and don’t push us. “I can understand how you would feel that way. Is there anything else you’d like to share with me?”
TWO: Share what you have seen about the behavior of the abusive person without labeling them (we are more likely to get defensive if you label). “I notice s/he seems to put you down a lot, how do you feel when that happens?” It can be illuminating to have someone else say what they notice about the abuser’s behavior.
THREE: Ask, “how can I help?” Tell us we have a place to stay if we need it or that you can help us with a job search. Don’t push it down our throats, but help us see that we have support and options, as well as people who genuinely care about us.
FOUR: Be there as a witness and a shame-free zone. Be the person who listens and validates and help us make sense of it all. We may need to tell our story or parts of it more than once–this is not necessarily the classic “being a victim,” rather, hearing ourselves speak about what happened helps to brings a disorganized narrative into focus. And being witnessed in the process helps even more.
Targets of narcissistic abuse need to know there are people who see what is really going on and can be there for us with curiosity, love and patience. You may not know what a lifeline you really are.
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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is endlessly grateful for the shame-free zone her friends provided for her while she was untangling from narcissistic abuse.
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