The Complexity of Forgiveness

To err is human, to forgive, divine. ~Alexander Pope

Up until I met the narcissist, I was a big believer in the importance and power of forgiveness. Having walked in the world of human development and neuroscience for many years, I can recognize a powerful — and valid — idea when I see one. Resentment makes one bitter and puts stress on multiple parts of the body and brain. It’s not good for us in any way. I had felt for many years that finding forgiveness in my heart for those who had not treated me with kindness was not only the healthy thing to do, it was the spiritually aware thing to do as well.

And I still basically believe this — but I’ve also learned the importance of understanding the complexity of forgiveness as part of a healing process. I used to think of finding forgiveness. Now I see it as integrating forgiveness.

You see, the problem with focusing on finding forgiveness when you’ve been entangled with a narcissist is that so much more in our experience needs to be honored in order to heal. Anger, fear, feeling betrayed, hopelessness, more. Too often, targets of narcissistic abuse feel — or are told — they should simply find a way to forgive this person. But they are often not told that they also need to find a way to be present to everything else as well. Finding forgiveness can be a form of “spiritual bypass,” where we want so badly to be a good, forgiving person that we ignore what is really there. And what is ignored cannot truly heal.

Finding forgiveness is also a way narcissists can manipulate us, especially if we hold high values around love and kindness. They will use guilt trips to have us put up with bad behavior, and we will sometimes even see our tolerance as being the stronger one in the relationship because we have been able to forgive. This can be exacerbated in certain cultures and religious systems as well.

So what does it mean to integrate forgiveness instead? I believe that there is a process and timing to healing from relational trauma. Of course, everyone is different, but generally, we need to travel the emotional journey of what we were not able to express with the abuser (and perhaps at other times in our life as well).

There truly is no shortcut to authentic integration. But what does this mean? According to Dr, Dan Siegel, integration has two key aspects — first, the recognition of what is there (he calls this differentiation) and then the inclusion of this with other aspects (he calls this linkage).

I love this as a way of honoring the deep complexity of who we are. In terms of my own healing from narcissistic abuse, this means recognizing that my feelings of anger at being tricked and lied to are a part of me and my experience, not to be “risen above” in order to be a spiritual person. At the same time, they aren’t feelings I want to live in an indulge the rest of my life, bringing resentment front and center every time I think of him.

And so, my task is to be present to how I feel even if it seems difficult, unspiritual, unkind, or even unfair. And in doing so, to know that that the gift of honoring our own truth is that it tends to settles and ultimately transform without effort. Conversely, when something is suppressed, it generally doesn’t.

The other thing that I feel needs to be present in the forgiveness conversation is the difference between forgiveness on what we might think of as the soul level and forgiveness on the human level. Sometimes we can forgive on the soul or spiritual level and still hold someone very accountable on the human level. We can know that — for whatever reason — the person who abused us was perhaps playing something out as a spiritual being, and on that level, maybe even doing the best they could. But we can also hold that on the human level, what they did was not ok, had a very negative impact, and needs to be moved away from or boundaried in some way.

And so — four years now after extricating myself, do I still believe in forgiveness? And have I forgiven him? Yes — and no. I have found a way to be at peace in my heart without the bile of bitterness rising up each time I think of him or tell stories of the abuse. I can see what a damaged, small, unhappy person he was. But I also honor the truth of the abuse, and that he made choices on the human level to treat me and others in this way. I allow my forgiveness and my anger to live together and through time and patience, they have found some harmony.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She believes in complexity.