Victim, Survivor…or Target?

The words we use matter — how I choose to speak of narcissistic abuse.

Since I write and speak a lot about narcissistic abuse, I had to figure out how I wanted to frame it and what words I would consistently use to talk about the person the toxic person abused. I decided to use the word “target” rather than “victim” or even “survivor.” This is by no means to criticize those who prefer other ways of describing themselves or others, but I thought I’d talk a bit about why I myself chose that particular word.

What is a target? The dictionary says “a person, object, or place selected as the aim of an attack.” And what is narcissistic abuse ultimately, if not an attack? Even though it typically starts out as something pleasant (the love bombing / idealization stage), ultimately it is an attack. An emotional, physical, financial, and/or spiritual attack shaking the very foundations of who we are.

What I appreciate about this word and definition is that we don’t tend to think of targets as responsible for being attacked or abused. Anyone can be targeted, and in fact, often the brighter, shinier, kinder, more desirable and successful you are (see my post on Super Traits), the more likely you are to be sought out by a narcissist.

I also appreciate that while I may have been victimized, and have indeed survived, holding myself as a target rather than a victim or a survivor honestly feels more empowering. When I speak of myself as a victim, I feel small and diminished. If I say I am a survivor, I feel like I always have to have this as part of my story. When I say I was targeted there is, for me, an empowering sort of neutrality. Yep, I was targeted. Anyone can be. It happens.

This is not to say that holding it this way lets me entirely off the hook. Personally — and I only speak for myself here — part of my reflection as a go further and further in the healing process is to say how can I a) make myself less of a target, and b) recognize more quickly if someone seems to be targeting me?

In the first case, I do not mean make myself less shiny or pretend to be less than I am. I mean be more discerning about what and when and with whom I share information and vulnerabilities. And in terms of recognition, well, that’s why I am writing this blog. I want all of us to see the patterns and learn the tendencies. As I keep saying, knowledge is power.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She believes passionately in the power of language.