Grieving What Never Was

One of my clients recently said to me, “I think I need to grieve, but I am not sure what I am sad about. Why do I feel I need to grieve something that was ultimately so painful?”

I’m not stating anything particularly original when I say almost all grief is complicated and messy, but the grief that accompanies the end of a relationship with a narcissist perhaps particularly so. And one thing about human emotions–they are rarely simple. In this case, many feelings often live together: relief, anger, sadness, being grateful it is over, regret, doubt, being mad at them, being mad at ourselves…. We may feel all at once, or swing between them on any given day.

I think part of the problem is that we are often told it should be one thing or the other. Either we’re relieved or we are grieving. We have so few role models for complex emotions of any kind, much less examples of those who can hold the paradox of both relief and grief.

When a relationship with a narcissist ends, we can have relief that the abuse, gaslighting, and general disruption is over, while at the same time grieving what honestly, never was. My dear BFF Ursula has a saying — life either gives you what you want or more information about what you want. I think these relationships can help us with the latter when they don’t provide the former, and this is, perhaps, a way to hold the grief.

In other words, the early days of a narcissistic relationship — the love bombing or idealization stage — often give us the love and care we have been craving, which is why it feels so good. And if, as is generally the case, we are promised a wonderful, connected and fulfilling relationship, it’s incredibly sad when this promise is not fulfilled. In fact, the hope that it eventually will be is often what keeps us in these toxic relationships well past the expiration date. (See the Cognitive Traps of the Toxic Relationship for more on this dynamic.)

And so, it makes sense to me that there is grief, but I think it is important to recognize that it is generally not the grief of losing something precious, but the grief of losing something that never truly was. But this is where Ursula’s saying can help — we can harvest the learning about ourselves and this relationship showed us we truly want. Feeling sad about all the promise that was not fulfilled, well, that tells us something.

In my own case, part of my decision to leave was the realization that he was not going to go back to being the guy who wanted to spend time with me and create a real partnership in life. And facing this reality brought up sadness along with my relief at no longer being a target of his disdain. The sadness showed me this is something I truly want — a partner, a companion, someone who enjoys simply being together.

And so, as we are healing from narcissistic abuse, it’s absolutely normal to have complicated feelings. But I would hope that we can use the grief for more information, not for a reason to stay in a destructive cycle and cognitive trap.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is learning to be at peace with complex emotions.