The “Fawn” Response to Narcissistic Abuse

Growing up, my mom was often volatile, easily angered, and generally what I would now call highly dysregulated. While my brother tended to disconnect and keep to himself, my response was to try to please her in order to connect and (hopefully) head off any outbursts before they happened. I’d set the table, make her little cards, listen to her problems at work (rarely did she ask about my own challenges), and overall try to be the good daughter that would help keep the house calm and maybe, just maybe, make her happy. In the process, I learned that being “nice” was a way to survive. I can see now that I repeated this behavior in my adult intimate relationships, at the cost of my own well-being.

Most of us are now familiar with the “Fight-Flight-Freeze” response to stress and trauma. Experts in the field of relational trauma are talking more and more about a fourth F — the “Fawn” response. This term, coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker, refers to an additional strategy to deal with abuse. Rather than fighting back, running away, or becoming immobilized, the fawn response is an attempt to appease the abusive person through people-pleasing behaviors, de-escalating conflict, and even apologizing for things that are not really your fault. It’s another strategy to try to stay safe, often developed (as in my own case) in the case of childhood abuse or neglect.

Here are a few fawning behaviors as a response to relational trauma:

~ Immediately backing down in any conflict.

~ Taking all the responsibility for any disruption or disagreement.

~ Going out of your way to make sure the other person doesn’t erupt or get upset. The classic “walking on eggshells” behavior I mentioned above.

~ Putting others first and not having any needs of your own.

~ Apologizing and attempting relationship repair even when it really isn’t your fault.

~ Trying to get out ahead of what the other person wants or what might set them off.

~ Difficulty saying no / saying yes when perhaps you don’t really want to.

~ Holding back on your own opinions or wants until you see what others prefer.

~ Going out of your way to make sure you are valuable to others, such as overdoing favors or gifts.

What’s wrong with a fawn response to trauma? As Pete Walker says, “Those who fawn tend to put the needs and wants of others ahead of themselves at the cost of the health of their own egos, and the protection of and compassion for themselves.” And when we do this long enough — often beginning in childhood — we lose connection to who we really are, what we care about, and what we ourselves need.

What to do to unlearn a fawn response? I’m a big fan of the “low hanging fruit” approach. In other words, start small and start safe. Here are a few things to try:

~ In a relationship with a caring friend, practice identifying and stating what you want. This can be as simple as where to go for lunch. It might help to let your friend know that you are working on discovering and expressing your own needs.

~ When you feel like you need to compensate or prove your worth, stop and take a beat. You can try asking yourself what a healthy role model would do in that situation.

~ If safe to do so, practice not apologizing when you did nothing to cause the conflict. This may feel uncomfortable to your nervous system, but it does get easier with repetition.

~ Before you say yes or no to requests, begin asking yourself what you actually want. Your body is a helpful ally here. In other words, connect with how the yes or no feels. If you say yes, what happens in your body? Does it feel light or heavy? Again, the more you do this, the clearer the internal message will become.

~ And of course, if you recognize a strong fawn response tendency, get some help from a trauma trained therapist or coach where you can safely explore this — and begin to identify your own needs and desires.

Of course it’s not bad or wrong to care for others. But so often targets of relational trauma have tremendous compassion and empathy — for everyone but themselves. Healing from narcissistic abuse and the fawn response does not mean you need to stop being the loving, caring person you are. It just means working to include yourself in this embrace.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.