The Narcissist’s Rule Book

Hint: it’s different than yours

Imagine you are playing a game, say, Monopoly. You read the rules and deal out the money the way it says. Your fellow player takes double. When you protest, they pull out a different rule book. You say, oh, ok, we can play by that rule book, but the other person says, oh no, this one is just for me. So you play the game, you using your rules and them using theirs. You keep forgetting that you are not playing using the same (and correct) set of rules, and you try to understand how they are playing by referencing your own rule book. WTF? It’s so confusing.

And this is just a metaphor for how narcissists usually operate. They do not play by normal, decent, human rules. In other words, we all have our “rule books” for life. Some of it is conscious, some of it we may be less aware of, but most human beings have something that guides us in terms of how we behave. And although of course there are many variations, due to culture, religion, family of origin etc., there does tend to be a through-line of reasonable behavior in terms of what is acceptable in healthy relationships. A few examples might be:

~ Be honest and forthright in your interactions.
~ Take responsibility for your mistakes.
~ Be kind to those you love.
~ Apologize when you are crabby or screw up.
~ Keep your promises.
~ Don’t blame others when it’s not their fault.

But for a narcissist, these rules might look more like this:

~ Be deceptive and manipulative in your interactions.
~ Take no responsibility for your mistakes.
~ Be kind to those you want to manipulate — at first. Then be cruel or ignore them.
~ Never apologize when you are crabby or screw up.
~ Feel free to make promises, but only keep them if and when it suits you.
~ Always blame others even when it’s not their fault.

So many of those of us who are experiencing or have experienced narcissistic abuse try to understand the toxic person by referencing our own rule book. I hear again and again, “I don’t understand why they are doing that? Why would they lie about _________? Why would they be so rude to me? Why would they be nice one day and mean the next? Who does that?” etc. etc. Why? because they are playing by their rule book, not yours. That’s who does that, a narcissist with their own rule book.

NOTE: These are just some of the narcissist’s rules — what were others you have encountered? Please add in the comments!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has tried to develop and follow a good rule book for her own behavior.