Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

Or, can you really get it if you haven’t actually lived it?

Gosh, I hope so. I’d really hate to think anyone has to live through that kind of mess and trauma in order to understand it. But it’s an interesting question. One of my friends recently commented that some of my stories would make them think “why did she put up with that?” if they hadn’t been through it themselves.

Fair enough. I might have even asked that myself prior to the ex. Why would a reasonably intelligent, successful, self-aware person tolerate the sort of behavior typical of a narcissist? Perhaps largely because the decisions one tends to make while undergoing narcissistic abuse are not always (or perhaps even usually) rational as we understand the word in a non-trauma context. But they are actually wholly rational when one is experiencing narcissistic abuse. Here’s a story that may help explain:

The narcissist had a fireplace in his office that he loved to use every morning. It was very pleasant but kicked out a great deal of smoke into the rest of the house. I’d get up and come upstairs (I had a separate bedroom downstairs with my cats–another story) only to be met with an overwhelming smoky kitchen and living room. I am chemically sensitive, so this would tend to trigger a headache. Plus it just smelled bad. I had spoken to him about the issue, but he barely paid any attention except to close his door on occasion to contain the smoke.

One morning as I was heading out of town, I came upstairs to a very very smoky house and his office door wide open. I went in to say good-bye, and said, “Hey, when I get back let’s talk about finding a solution to the smoke issue.” I was literally thinking of hiring someone to install a fan in the chimney — and paying for it myself since he was broke. I didn’t have a chance to even mention this, though, because he hit the roof, yelling and accusing me of being controlling and trying to ruin his life and enjoyment. “It’s just that it’s toxic to live with,” I protested.

“You’re toxic to live with,” he replied, sarcastically adding “have a great trip” as he slammed his door.

And I, dear reader, went off on my trip — and returned back home to him. Why? I’m an intelligent person. I don’t enjoy or feel I deserve to be yelled at. I did not instigate that incident. So why? Here is what felt rational from within the context of a toxic relationship, as well as what I know now:

ONE: Because I wanted to believe that this behavior was not the “real him.” When he was not being a complete ass, I liked him. I valued the parts of our relationship that were nice and I tended to focus on them and not the stuff that didn’t feel good.

NOW I KNOW: The good stuff was actually about 10% of the relationship, and the bad was the rest. At the time, I kept thinking the bad stuff was the exception when in fact it was the rule. Why? I was enmeshed with him. We had a house and a dog and plan for the rest of our lives. My brain was trying to protect me by not bringing the bad stuff into focus so I could continue on.

TWO: Because my default is to try to see things from the other person’s perspective. I could easily find reasons why he over-reacted, ranging from the financial stress he was under to that perhaps I had not been thoughtful and caring in how I broached the subject.

NOW I KNOW: While it’s great to have the ability to step into someone else’s shoes, it’s not so great to abandon one’s own. My own feelings matter. Targets of narcissistic abuse often ever-emphathize, abandoning themselves in the process.

THREE: Because I thought I could share how I felt about the interaction and we would learn, grow and deepen our relationship in the process. I thought it was a communication issue, not a personality one.

NOW I KNOW: No level of communication skill works with a narcissist. They are not interested in healthy communication or healthy relationships. Period.

FOUR: Because I didn’t want to give up. I had promised. I had committed. I shared a home and (I thought) a future with him. I had a whole slew of communication tools and a vast amount of knowledge about human relationships. I thought this was a bump in the road and an opportunity to deepen my skills and understanding.

NOW I KNOW: It’s ok to give up on people who aren’t healthy, even if you’ve made a promise. It’s ok to admit you can’t fix things and face the fact that you haven’t failed if you can’t find a way to convince a narcissist to behave like a decent human being.

FIVE: Fundamentally, because I did not know who or what he really was. Without a template for the patterns I was seeing, they were just individual incidents my brain couldn’t really make sense of because they didn’t follow normal human behavior. So I didn’t know what to do with what I was experiencing.

NOW I KNOW: Who he really was. Once I had the template (Covert Narcissist to a T), all the patterns fell into place. And, even though it was really hard and still somewhat confusing, I could begin the process of first detangling and then healing.

I hope this helps those who haven’t been through it understand a bit better why targets of relational abuse just don’t leave, and why many of us made some of the decisions we did at the time.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has a lot of compassion for who she was and what she believed before she knew better.