The ex once started ranting about how “unconscious” I was. With a great deal of disdain he told me I had no awareness of my impact and was always leaving huge messes for him to clean up in the kitchen. Like right now, for god’s sake! Did I expect him to do everything? What was wrong with me? I had no recollection of leaving any sort of mess, but went to the kitchen immediately to deal with it. And, dear reader, I kid you not. There was one — count it, one — used mug sitting in the sink and a few coffee grounds on the dark counter that were hard to see. That’s it. The rest of the kitchen was pristine. It would have been funny if a) he hadn’t been dead serious and b) it wasn’t so completely insane. (Ok, at this point it’s a little bit funny.)
Another time he left a stepladder leaning against the kitchen wall for over a week while I was out of town. He had done something for me requiring the ladder in my area downstairs and I brought it back up so that he would have it while I was gone. But I didn’t know where he liked to keep it so I left it in kitchen. Still there when I got back from my trip. He told me it “pained him” each time he had to pass it! I (sighing deeply because WTF?) put it in garage when I got home and he brought it back into the kitchen because I had put it in wrong spot in garage.
Narcissists and pettiness, a classic combination. Often a facet of both coercive control as well as devaluing, I think of pettiness as acting in a small, entitled, spiteful and vindictive manner over trivial things. A healthy person is not petty as a rule. They let small things go. They take care of simple stuff as part of a functional family, loving partnership or productive work relationship. And, if needed, address things they don’t like in an open, respectful manner. They don’t punish, they make requests. As in “Honey, just to let you know I usually keep the ladder next to the shelves in the garage. Can you put it away there next time?”
What makes this particularly egregious is that the target of narcissistic abuse is often going way out of their own way to be helpful and try to be a good partner, family member of workmate. Typically, what we do however, doesn’t count. For example, one friend shared this story: “Over the years we were together, I took my ex and her kids on vacation many times, to the tune of thousands of dollars. I also lent her money constantly ‘for groceries’ even though she made a very good salary herself. She never repaid me and when I’d remind her of what she owed, she’d literally laugh in my face and say she’d never promised to pay me back, that I clearly wasn’t remembering the interaction correctly. Now here’s the petty part: she’d keep careful track of any money she felt I owed her ($20 for lunch, for example) and immediately demand that I pay her back.”
Another way they show their pettiness is finding subtle ways to manipulate. Another friend told me this: “One time my ex didn’t want me to go to an event with him even though he ‘said’ he wanted me to. When I offered to stay home in front of my family members he insisted I go, because he always wanted to show my family he was the nice guy. Now, I have a strong reaction to cologne/perfume/strong smells where it triggers migraines. He had known this the entire ten years we were together. Shortly before it was time to leave for the event, he not only put on cologne, but he put on so much I would have sworn he spilled it on himself! Then he had the nerve to act like he ‘mistakenly’ put cologne on rather than a specific aftershave that didn’t bother me. Talk about petty!”
I think it’s important to add that being around a devaluing, controlling narcissist can sometimes have a target resort to pettiness themselves. When you know that addressing things with them in an open, respectful manner simply never works, well, some people end up feeling their only recourse is to be spiteful and look for small ways to try to regain some sort of balance in the relationship (or even get revenge). While this may feel sort of good in the moment, it comes at a cost. If the only way to stay with a narcissist is to become someone you don’t like and don’t recognize, it’s far too high a price to pay.
Got a story of narcissistic pettiness? Share it in the comments!
—————————-
In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
—————————-
Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, healthy relationships and leaving her coffee mugs in the sink whenever she darn well pleases.
But Now I Know Your Name 