The narcissist ex had a well-rehearsed and fairly compelling tale of woe, which of course I heard on the first date (and many many times after as he made sure to regale each new acquaintance with the same exact story). According to him, he’d been a high up well-paid executive who unfairly lost his position, only to end up with nothing. The story had colorful details, like how he’d put empty cartons back in the cabinets so his kids wouldn’t see how few groceries they had. And the rock bottom point when he realized he had 67 cents in his pocket and that was it. He still carried those coins in his pocket “as a reminder.” It was a fascinating story, well-told due to many repetitions over the years.
At one point, he ran across a local non-denominational congregation that was always looking for speakers at their Sunday services, and he signed up to tell his story. A couple of friends and I went to support him and he did a decent enough job. He pulled out the 67 cents and had the congregation interested. Except this time in hearing the story, I realized there was no “so what.” I knew something had always bugged me and it finally hit me that there was no point. No learning. No growth. No realization. It just was this thing that had happened that he felt he somehow deserved honor and attention for.
He asked me after the talk what I thought. I told him he’d done a good job, but that I was wondering what the point was? What had he learned as a result of his experience?* He literally sort of goggled at me and said “What do you mean?”
I said “It’s great, but how did this experience impact you? What’s different about you because of what you went through?”
He hemmed and hawed and was clearly at a loss. Finally he said, “I guess I learned that people would help me.” And that was it. Even then, I didn’t have the sense he meant it. I think he was just looking for something I would buy.
It’s not just this example and it’s not just him. Narcissists in general are flummoxed by what things mean on a deeper level, and they can be quite talented at keeping us from realizing this. As I said, I had heard his story a few times before it fully dawned on me it was glaringly incomplete.
Why is this? They don’t tend to look more deeply at the meaning of their experiences because they aren’t in a process of growth and change. Why would they be? They believe they deserve our attention and care just because. And if anything goes wrong, well, it’s everyone else’s fault so what on earth would they need to learn?
If you ask a narcissist what they learned through a difficult experience, you’d be lucky to get something even as deep as “people will help me.” It’s much more likely that if you heard anything, it would be dysfunctional statements like:
~ I learned to watch my back
~ I learned people suck
~ I learned the best defense is a good offense
~ I learned I’m in it alone
In other words, not growth or transformation, just more fuel for their victim story. In order for humans to grow, we have to honestly self-reflect. Whether or not narcissists are capable of this (debatable), they avoid it like the plague. Why? One reason is that their core wound is generally shame, and they do everything they possibly can to hide that from others. And even more importantly, avoid facing it themselves. The risk of reflecting and making true meaning of their experiences is that they will be required to look at where they themselves messed up and were wrong, thus shattering the fragile persona they’ve constructed to deal with the world.
Also see The Shallowness of the Narcissist for more on this topic.
*According to The Moth, this is actually Storytelling 101. A good story, one that transports the listener, takes us through some kind of change. The key is to show your transformation over the course of the story. We meet one version of you in the beginning and we meet another by the end.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She prefers people who hang out in the deep end of the pool.
But Now I Know Your Name 