I had a “friend” when I was a teenager and young adult. While she was seven years older than me, I tended to be the supportive one. She’d call me in a twist about her studies, her boyfriends, her family, and I’d listen endlessly. I’d help her figure out her troubles, provide a shoulder to lean on, and offer perspective and advice. I knew it was one-sided, but that was ok because I wasn’t at a place where I personally felt I needed that much support (I probably actually did, but that’s a different blog). I figured I was sort of depositing into a piggy bank of attention and care, and this would be available to me later when I needed it.
Fast forward a couple of years when my all-too-early first marriage was ending. I was devastated and really needed a shoulder to lean on. For the first time, I reached out to her asking for advice and support. She blew me off. She was too busy. And even worse, she just wasn’t really interested. She flipped the conversation back to herself.
This response was a real wake-up call. I saw that everything I’d put into that fictional piggy bank had vanished, and I realized that this view of relationships was very very off. And it told me something about her personality that I didn’t have words for at the time. I remember thinking wow, she’s actually really selfish. I now know this is a sign of narcissistic traits.
Narcissistic takers don’t see relationships as a balance, but rather as simply a way to get their own needs met. They don’t feel that you have deposited something with them that they are at all obliged to return. It’s all about them and they generally feel they deserve and/or are entitled to whatever you did and have no need to do anything for you. After all, they think, it was your choice to give, do things for them, or offer support.
But is it, really? Or is providing this attention the price of the relationship itself with this sort of person? It certainly turned out to be in the case of my own so-called friendship. When I withdrew my consistent support for the sake of trying to create a more balanced relationship, well, it turned out there was nothing left between us. She was not interested in that, only in having me support her.
Now I am not advocating a tit-for-tat, balance sheet view of relationships either. That can be toxic in a different way, with one or both partners keeping careful track of who did what and what happened when. Ugh. That’s no fun.
But I do believe that the universe seeks a balance in all things. Yes, there are times we all need support, and may ask for more from our partners, friends or family. But in healthy relationships, we give this back as well. It balances out over time.
I believe we need to notice where we are depositing our love, care, attention, financial and emotional support, when there is consistently no return. It’s like putting our hard-earned money into a piggy bank with a hole in the bottom. We risk being left with nothing. But if we provide these things to healthy, co-creative people who have similar values around being in partnership, well, then, that investment can pay out like a lottery win.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has stopped depositing where nothing comes back and gets great return on her relational investments these days.
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