Why Narcissists Treat You With Contempt When You’re Kind to Them

I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members. ~ Groucho Marx

So there you are, going about your life being caring, kind, respectful and empathetic. And the narcissist, rather than being appreciative of your help, support, and attention, treats you like s**t. If anything, the kinder you are, the colder they are.

WTF is going on? Is this, as my son used to joke, “backwards day” when the world is turned upside down? Why do they behave like that? Well, here are a few reasons off the top of my head:

ONE: To devalue and destabilize you. Devaluing is the second phase of the Idealization, Devalue, Discard cycle. After idealizing (aka love bombing) a person to hook them in, the toxic person will generally begin to use devaluing, taking them down off the pedestal they had put them on. Responding to kindness with contempt is a powerful way to do this. It’s a destabilizing and manipulative, making the person feel they need to work ever harder to win back the approval they had at first. Truly, it’s a mind-f**k.

TWO: Because narcissists operate by a different rule book than decent people. Where most people would express appreciation for help or support, the narcissist’s rules are that they are entitled to whatever you did, said, or gave them. In addition, because they often have contempt for the “social graces” that most people operate by, this can extend to contempt for you if they sense you want a “thank you” or other acknowledgement.

THREE: Because on some level they know they don’t deserve kindness, and they don’t respect anyone who would show it to them. How could you be so stupid as to value them? This is similar to what Groucho Marx said in the quote above (from his letter resigning from the Friar’s club). The fact that you are kind to them actually makes you unworthy of their love or respect. Contrary to popular belief, narcissists are not actually in love with themselves. Instead, they are run by deep and unacknowledged wounds of shame. Anyone who could see someone as valuable when at the bottom of it all that person feels desperately unworthy, well, they’re an idiot.

FOUR: Because it brings up resentment. Their grandiosity makes them feel they should never need anything, so when you help them this reminds them they are not, actually, omnipotent. By the way, this grandiosity is the way the cover up the fundamental shame mentioned above.

For whatever the reason, this treatment is heartbreaking and points out — once again — that you just can’t win with a narcissist.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has zero tolerance for contempt.