In the process of untangling from the narcissist, I hired a tough lawyer to help me get my house back. Emails and letters back and forth commenced, with the ex displaying his true and incredibly nasty colors. More than once, my lawyer would look at me, shaking his head, and drawl “Well, you sure can pick ’em!” And I’d respond with frustration, “Randy, he wasn’t like that when we met. This was a con!”
Most of you are probably familiar with the idea of love-bombing at this point. This is a classic strategy narcissists use to obtain a good source of “supply” and trap someone in their web of deceit and control. The tactic can range from overt to subtle. On the overt end, one of my friends was literally flown to a different city for dinner on the first date, showered with gifts and compliments, and truly swept off her feet. On the subtle side, my own experience was him saying — very early on — things like “this just feels so obvious.”
Either way, it is unfortunately not real. It’s just a way they get people hooked. But of course for the target, it feels real. And it often feels magical, synchronistic and “meant to be.” In the words of the ex, it can feel “obvious” that you should be together. Why is this? Here’s a few reasons:
ONE: They are chameleons. Narcissists generally have no core self of their own, thus they simply take on the preferences, beliefs, habits, and worldview of their target. This is incredibly seductive in that it can feel like you have met a true soul mate. Of course it feels this way — they are simply mirroring you back to you. And that can be incredibly compelling because wow, what are the odds? This must be “meant to be.”
TWO: They are adept at finding your unhealed areas and sliding in as a savior. In my experience, narcissists aren’t really that good at life, but they tend to excel at manipulation. What feels like deep listening and attention early on in a dating situation is generally them looking for your vulnerabilities so they can exploit them. On our second date, for example, the ex said with tremendous sincerity, “I want to take care of you forever.” While I don’t think I come across as particularly weak and needy, I had shared with him that I’d been on my own since age 17, and hadn’t felt very supported in previous relationships. Again, wow, here is the person I have been longing to meet my whole life. The one who actually gets and cares about what I need.
THREE: They often believe their own lies, which makes these harder to detect. In trying to figure out why I bought so much of what the ex told me, even when, in hindsight, it was kind of ridiculous, I realized it was largely because he was 100% sincere. And so, the lies feel real and we drop our defenses. It must be we’ve met our true soul mate.
So how then, do you know the difference between being love-bombed and actually meeting a “soul mate?” What if it really is synchronicity? Here’s a few differences in my opinion:
ONE: The person has a stable core of their own. There is evidence that they are committed to a certain career, hobby or passion. The commonalities between you are in no way new and simply adopted to be more like you. They also don’t seek your approval for what they are doing and how they are being. They know who they are.
TWO: While there is overlap, there are also differences. They don’t see things exactly as you do. They don’t love all the same things. They have a self that is distinct and they are fine with disagreeing without being disagreeable.
THREE: While they are curious about you, they don’t rush in to rescue. Rather, they are supportive of your own efforts to grow and heal. They don’t use things you tell them against you at any point in the relationship.
FOUR: It doesn’t move forward in a rush. As much as you might feel connected and that you have a lot in common, there is space to actually get to know each other. The sense of “rightness” of being together grows and is tested over time. There are normal relationship ups and downs, and you weather these and grow from them as a couple.
FIVE: Probably the most important, you generally feel good being around them, and this does not change dramatically, even with normal relationship challenges. Your nervous system is not on alert. You can relax with them. You feel safe.
Are there true “soul mates” out there for us? I don’t know for sure. These days I think more about how to grow and develop a relationship than whether or not the person is my twin flame. I think more about how relationships test us, bringing up challenges and even old wounds, and that good relationships support our growth. And maybe that is, in fact, the real reason we have them.
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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.
But Now I Know Your Name 