In another post I talked about the Window of Tolerance, a concept originally developed by Dr. Dan Siegel to describe an optimal zone of stress response for a person to manage everyday life. When we are within this window, we can effectively deal with our emotions, but things that are triggering or upsetting tend to take us out of the window and challenge our ability to be present and cope.
This concept has really helped me think about healing in a non-binary way. That is, not whether we are “healed” or not, but a) how wide is our window, and b) is it expanding, no matter how slowly?
These questions can be powerful touchstones on the healing journey. I love it when clients realize something which used to take them out of their window longer does. For example, hearing about what their toxic ex is doing or catching a glimpse of them around town. Early on in the healing process, this sort of thing often stimulates a strong sympathetic nervous system response in the former target. We may experience an elevated heart rate, flushing and shaking, brain fog, etc. On some level, it feels threatening and scary and is outside what our system wants to tolerate.
But when the healing process progresses, our window expands and we may notice that our system responds less strongly. Heart rate may go up, but not as much. We may feel annoyed but can still think clearly. Often, there is still a sense of fear, but it moves within a range of tolerance.
So for me, the goal is to simply expand the window, however slowly that happens and however much time it takes. Here are a few simple thoughts as to how:
ONE: Reorient the idea of healing to this metaphor. Don’t expect yourself to be calm and centered no matter what. Tell yourself that it is normal that every person has a window of tolerance, and distress is the logical response when we are taken out of ours.
TWO: Celebrate small expansions along the way. Any calming of symptoms is a win. Any widening of the window is a success. Don’t focus on the fact that you still get triggered, focus on that the trigger is even slightly more tolerable than than in the past.
THREE: Focus on rebuilding yourself rather than any change you would ideally hope to see in them. Work with someone (a support group, a coach, a therapist etc.) who can help you reclaim your innate value and worth.
FOUR: Be thoughtful about the triggers you expose yourself to (if and when you have a choice). Be gentle with yourself and go as slowly with known triggers as you can. When it is not possible to avoid triggers (for example, you have to stay in contact with a very triggering ex because you are co-parenting), do anything you can to limit exposure, and see #2 above!
I used to live in an older house in the Midwest. Sometimes in the spring, the windows would stick closed because of the harsh winter. But with a little patience and sometimes a gentle thump, I always got them open again. I think we can be like that too. Our windows can feel like they are stuck closed due to the harshness we experienced. But please don’t give up on yourself, the spring air is longing to come in.
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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and going slow sometimes.
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