A lonely frog goes to a psychic to ask what her future holds. “Well,” says the psychic, looking into her crystal ball. “I see that you are going to meet a handsome man. He will be completely fascinated and want to know absolutely everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled, “This is great!” she replies. “Will I meet him at a party?”
“No,” says the psychic, “biology class.”
How many of us have realized that what felt at first like true interest turned out to be being dissected in biology class? This is classic behavior of a toxic narcissist. It can feel like you’ve been put under a microscope, with them fascinated by every detail of your life, your interests, your values, etc. At first it seems like they simply can’t learn enough about you. This can, of course, be misinterpreted as love, when in reality that is far from the truth.
What, then is it and why do they do this? A few thoughts come to mind:
ONE: It’s a classic way to love bomb someone. Paying what seems like rapt and sincere attention is a very good way for narcissists to catch someone in their sticky web. Who doesn’t want to feel like they are fascinating, unique, and special? This sort of attention can feel like water in the desert, especially for any of us who have been neglected, devalued, and/or taken for granted in our families of origin or past relationships. It can be the thing we most crave and never really believe we’ll get. No wonder we feel like we’ve met a soul mate when someone is that curious about us.
TWO: It is a way to gather intel to be used against us later. The more they know about our hopes, dreams, wounds and painful memories, they more they are able to hit us in our vulnerable places. It is easiest and most effective to go for the tender spots where a person has shown themselves to be sensitive when you want to devalue and/or manipulate someone. Also, the more a narcissist knows about you, the more subtle they can be. And the more subtle they can be, the less likely their tactics will be seen for what they are.
THREE: They typically love shiny new things. It may even be the case that they are interested in you–at first. You are fascinating because the unknown always is, in the beginning. So in this case, the interest can be genuine because you are providing stimulation. For healthy people, this “oh-my-god-you’re-so-amazing” stage naturally transitions to one of deeper trust and connection. They may not be as stimulated and surprised by their partner, but that’s ok. They feel connected and safe.
But narcissists don’t seem to have the ability to transition to this next stage of relationship. Instead of feeling deeper trust and connection with you, they feel bored and annoyed. Bored because you hold few surprises for them, and annoyed because you were supposed to be the one who saved them from their own limitations as a human being.
And so, with most narcissists, after the fascination comes the dissection. Instead of being the object of their interest and curiosity, they simply want to take you apart.
What to do about this? Be careful and go slowly with anyone who is too curious at first. There is a natural deepening of trust over time in healthy relationships. Non-narcissists don’t typically feel they need to know everything about someone right away. Rather, they trust they will learn more as the relationship progresses.
If you get pressured to share more than you are comfortable sharing, or shamed for not being “more open” with a new person, this is a red flag. It may not mean that this person is awful and untrustworthy, but it is a sign to slow down a bit and see how things unfold.
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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.
But Now I Know Your Name 