I was recently re-watching a Sex and the City episode where Carrie bails on a party thrown for her by new fans in Paris so she can accompany her needy boyfriend (a much older famous artist) to his art opening rehearsal. He’s stressed and asks her to come along, even though he knows she has other important plans. She has been very excited about her party, having felt disconnected from her own identity while in Paris, but in this moment you can almost literally see her empathy switch turn on and displace her personal needs and desires. The irony is that as soon as they get there, he’s surrounded by adoring attention and moves away from her as if she isn’t even there. She hangs out for a while and then goes to the party, but everyone has already left.
Don’t get me wrong, I love empathy. In fact, not having full empathy is the hallmark of the toxic personality. It’s a healthy way we relate to other humans. Most people have both affective, or “felt” empathy, in addition to “understanding,” or cognitive empathy. Narcissists and their ilk generally only have cognitive empathy, if they have any at all.
In other words, the pain of those around them is not felt by them. If they want to, if they are feeling good and well-supplied, some may be able to access cognitive empathy and have a sort of understanding of others. But that heart tug, that ouch, that way truly empathic people feel someone else’s feelings? For narcissists it’s simply not there.
But what about for the rest of us? Most targets of narcissistic abuse have high levels of both kinds of empathy. (See this post on Super Traits for more.) We don’t want to hurt others, and it is easy — even sometimes automatic — to see things from their point of view.
And this, indeed, can be an awesome trait. But like many of our strengths, it can be overplayed, even in non-toxic relationships. Ultimately, we need to balance empathy for others with fully knowing and expressing our own feelings. And for some of us sometimes, like Carrie in Sex and the City, empathy for others pushes aside the recognition (not to mention expression) of what we ourselves feel.
Narcissists know this (on some level) and take advantage of it. They play on the target’s innate kindness and compassion, trusting that our empathy will keep us in their web. “I can’t leave, he’s had such a hard time in life.” “I can’t go no contact, she can’t really cope without me.” “I know he yelled at me, but he’s having a hard time at work.” Etc. They need us, so we override our own feelings and needs. Learning to both listen to and express these is a critical factor in moving on from toxic relationships.
Those of us healing from having been influenced by narcissistic abuse in our lives also need to recognize this tendency in non-toxic relationships. I think it’s important to ask ourselves if we are flipping to empathy too quickly, before noticing and honoring our own feelings, desires and needs. In my opinion, we need to stand in the complexity of both understanding how someone else may feel and not shutting down our own emotions as less important or even irrelevant.
And if we end up realizing that we are feeling small, inauthentic, devalued, frustrated, or anything else, let us have the courage to honor these feelings and not shut them down because someone else may not like it. We matter too.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and the essence of things.
But Now I Know Your Name 