The selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? ~ Kahlil Gibran
I used to be the poster girl for positivity. You could count on me to find the sunshine on any grey day. To be a cheerleader for possibility. To find the way through. And so on. But the more that I heal from my childhood and other experiences, the less resonant I find this role. I’m just not a “good vibes only” person any more.
Why? Well, I’ve come to see that it’s often a spiritual bypass. That is, an unwillingness to have the messy, uncomfortable, difficult conversations and experiences that can transform us both personally and relationally. The bypass is wanting the benefits of feeling good without doing the hard work needed for a fulfilling life.
I had a boyfriend once who told me he didn’t love me when I was angry. I told him, well, then, you don’t love me. I can accept and even appreciate that you don’t enjoy being around someone who is angry. That it is a difficult emotion for you to be with. And even perhaps that I’m overreacting or being unfair. But I am a human, and humans — when they are healthy — feel angry sometimes.
Humans also feel sad, hopeless, confused, joyful, unsure, happy, and, well, meh. And while I understand that we tend to prefer the “positive” emotional states in ourselves and others (and am by no means an advocate of spreading misery or acting out in toxic ways), I have seen again and again that learning to be present to and include all my emotions is the way forward. Here’s a couple of reasons why:
ONE: The way through a difficult emotion turns out to be simple: sit with it. Don’t act out, but don’t suppress. Notice your feelings with curiosity and amazingly, they tend to pass.
TWO: Being present to difficult emotions deepens your ability to experience everything. Shutting down and not allowing feelings that are unpleasant compromises your ability to relish life, even if you frame it as “being positive.” As Gibran rightly says, the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
But what if the feelings are really hard to be with, or you can’t even find them in the first place because life has taught you to ignore the emotional aspects of yourself? Luckily, in this day and age there are lots of ways to get help. A trauma-informed coach or therapist can help you learn to find and honor all you are. It’s a process, but well worth it. There is no part of your being unworthy of love and acceptance, and healing means learning how to include it all.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and feeling the feels.
But Now I Know Your Name 