Sometimes the narcissist seems to have everything under their control on the human level, leaving us feeling stuck, paralyzed and at a complete loss as to what to do. They block every move we make, refusing to cooperate or act like any sort of reasonable human being. Is there any way forward when they do this? Perhaps there is — just on another level.
It was months after I’d left the X. I was living away from the home we’d purchased together, paying both rent and my half of the mortgage. He had gone from originally agreeing to sell the house to accusing me of being crazy and refusing to move. “Why should I blow up my life just because you’re all of a sudden bipolar?” I was terrified of his irrational anger and not sure what he was capable of, so had decided my only option was to get the heck out while things were sorted. But a year later we were at a complete impasse, and my lawyer was saying it was going to be a long and costly court battle to get him out (we weren’t married, so our co-ownership was treated as a business relationship). I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day, waking up again and again to exactly the same thing with no hope whatsoever that anything would change.
On a work trip to California, I had dinner with a dear friend and colleague. She understood immediately what I was dealing with, having had personal experience with toxic narcissism. I outlined the impasse we were at and how completely stuck I felt. She looked at me and said, very matter-of-factly, “Well, if you can’t do anything on the human level, you’re going to have to work on the energetic level.” Hearing this felt like seeing a small flash of light at the end of a dark tunnel. What the heck, I thought–it’s something to focus on rather than simply how bad and unfair everything was.
Why entertain this sort of “work” in my process of detangling myself? Well, even though I am a huge fan of science and do much of my work in the neuroscience of human development and trauma, I also know there is infinitely more that we don’t know than that we do (or think we do). Can I scientifically explain “working on the energetic level?” Not really — but then, no one can. Some spiritual “experts” may tell you it’s all about the quantum field and particles and waves and entanglement and manifestation, but the truth of the matter is, the science isn’t there yet. It’s not proven that stuff that happens on the quantum level happens on the human or complex system level. And yet, so many of us have had experiences that are beyond what feels like rational explanation. So I where I land personally is that something is happening, but exactly what and how are still emerging.
All that having been said, I was completely open to my friend’s ideas and advice. As I went to work in this area, I came up with the following Big Three of dealing with a narcissist on the energetic level:
ONE: I cut the cords between us and sent him away energetically. This was an idea from my friend. She suggested that first I picture all the energetic connections between us as cords, and imagine severing them in some way (I used a flaming sword in my imagination). I imagined the cords being cut and then retracting back into each of us. The second suggestion she made was to imagine X coming towards me through the mist. Instead of allowing him to get close, she said to put him in some sort of a vessel, the inside of which was covered in mirrors so that he had to face himself (I really love that part). Then I was to send the vessel spinning off out beyond the earth, into some sort of oblivion.
How this helped–It made me feel I had some power over my own energetic space. I could send him away, and the more I did this, the more I felt he was not intruding as much into my thoughts and my life as I reconstructed it. I felt less vulnerable. (And who knows, maybe it did help move him on!)
TWO: I visualized him as small and impotent. One of the healing team I worked with suggested this. During one of our sessions I was sharing how scared I was, and he said that he saw X as a small, angry man jumping up and down in fury. I thought of the story of Rumpelstiltskin, and how the nasty Rumpelstiltskin becomes small and impotent once the heroine learns his name (thus the title of this blog: But Now I Know Your Name). I would literally picture him stomping and storming around the field near my house, about as large as a garden gnome.
How this helped–slowly and gradually, the more I pictured this, the less afraid of him I became and the more ridiculous he appeared to me. (Let me emphasize this was a slow process.) Over time, when I found myself thinking of him, this is the image I would see. A furious little impotent gnome who couldn’t hurt me.
THREE: I asked for support. There were actually two aspects of this one. First of all, I tapped into a connection to what I think of as my spiritual team. This includes my mother who passed on in 2008, my guardian angel, and any other non-physical beings who might be hanging around. I talked with them regularly, asking for the specific help I wanted.
How this helped–these conversations helped me focus on what I wanted to happen, rather than my “poor me” story. And whether or not it was true that I had non-physical beings helping me, I also felt less alone when I spoke with them. I loved the idea that there was a sort of force of light on my side!
The second way I asked for support is that I posted a request on FB, asking friends and colleagues to reach out to their spiritual teams. I didn’t share details, I just said I was going through a tough time and if they had anyone in the non-physical they could call on, I would appreciate the support.
How this helped–wow, I can’t even begin to say how impactful this was. People responded with an overwhelming amount of support, ranging from offering their expertise with the Akashic Records and numerology, to prayers and intentions. Can I prove this made the difference? No, I can’t. But almost immediately things started to happen at an accelerated pace. By the time I asked for support, I had actually hired a different attorney, but he was getting excuses and evasions from the X. A week after the post, we had a reasonable offer. I made the post in April, and I moved back into my house the first of July. Just saying.
And so — if you can’t move things on the human level with a narcissist, I’d say go ahead and activate the energetic level by cutting cords and sending them away, visualizing them in a way that diminishes their power, and asking for support in the non-physical. It very well may help!
But Now I Know Your Name 