We Were Not Born to Languish

we were not born to languish
unseen unbidden and unknown
we were not born to bear the brunt
of someone else’s unhealed pain
we were not born to do our time
in disruptive workplaces, families, partnerships
or with anyone not dedicated to
the blossoming of our souls

we were not born to languish
we were born to thrive
we were born for planting in fertile soil
to be watered with love
shone upon on with approval
and held by
systems that support
but do not constrain

this of course
does not always
occur

and even so, you were not born to languish
you are not required to do your time
anywhere or with anyone
and if the systems that surround you
restrict, limit, devalue and diminish
the soul within
who maybe feels a sliver of the sun
who wonders if you could indeed bloom
and thrive
and grow

well, as difficult as it is
to wrench yourself from familiar soil
I promise you
the garden your soul desires
exists
and the only way I have seen to find it
is to once and for all finally
refuse to settle
for anything
less

because you were not born
to languish

~Ann Betz

Some Thoughts About Imposter Sydrome

I wanted to share a blog I wrote about Imposter Syndrome from my other site, Your Coaching Brain

yourcoachingbrain.wordpress.com/2023/12/26/some-thoughts-about-imposter-syndrome/

When the Narcissist Ignores Your Boundaries

Anyone who has ever dealt with a narcissist in any context (family, work, intimate relationship) knows that boundaries are essential. But what about when your boundaries are simply ignored?

I live out in the country on a few acres. I have lovely neighbors and it’s my sanctuary. Recently I was out for a walk along the road and I noticed that someone had been using a part of my property as a turnaround (rather than driving the equivalent of half a city block to the cul-de-sac at end of the road where it is easy — and logical — to turn around). It’s sort of an open space, but I was not happy to see tire tracks on the dirt and small plants run over.

Hmm, I thought, maybe they don’t realize this is not part of the road. So I moved some small rocks to mark the edge of my property and make it clear it’s not a place to drive upon. The next morning, it’s clear someone has driven right over the rocks, ignoring my simple boundary. I’m really mad now. I find a local guy who has large rocks on his truck and arrange for him to come up to my house. These rocks are heavy and we have to drop them off the truck bed in just the right place because they’re really hard to move. “That’ll do it!” I think with satisfaction. Nope. The next morning one of the large rocks has been pushed aside and my land driven onto once again (must be a big truck).

I’m furious at this point. It takes me 10 minutes to move the rock back into place and I am steaming and wondering what the heck it is I need to do to make it clear I will NOT tolerate them driving here. I go to the hardware store and get No Trespassing and a This Property is Under 24-Hour Surveillance signs, metal posts, and 12 pieces of short rebar. I put up the signs, reinforce the rocks with the metal posts so they are hard to move, and randomly pound in short pieces of rebar along the tire tracks (I mark these with empty wine bottles so it’s clear something is there). It looks ridiculous, but it works. My land, thus defended, is undisturbed.

I was so caught up in this mini-drama while it was going on that it took me a while to realize it’s the perfect metaphor for setting boundaries with a toxic person.

ONE: Small Rocks — marking the boundary in case they didn’t realize what they were doing. For normal people, this usually works just fine. We say something along the lines of “Hey, I don’t like it when you tease me,” and the person says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and they stop. Narcissists, on the other hand, will generally just drive right over our “small rocks.” They simply brush it aside or ignore it, and then continue any behavior that suits them. My first husband had a nasty habit of grabbing me in sensitive areas when I was busy doing other things. It really bothered me but saying “please don’t do that” was like talking to the wall. No impact whatsoever.

TWO: Bringing in the Heavy Rocks — making sure the boundary is crystal clear and distinct. In my experience, when I have taken a firmer stand, narcissists fight back. They like to make the boundary seem like a failing on your part, a lack of generosity, and/or an over-sensitivity. Instead of honoring your request, they’ll use it to insult and devalue you. (See my posts on DARVO and gaslighting.) When I escalated my “don’t grab me” boundary to an unavoidable volume and clarity, my ex immediately snarled that I was uptight, no fun, cold, and frigid. (And notably, he then switched to stealth attacks, which were even worse.)

THREE: Barricades — making it impossible to pass the boundary. Alas, this is often the only strategy that actually works with highly toxic people. They’ll drive right over anything else, so the only way is to make the path impassible. Generally, the best way to do this is to remove ourselves (or them) from the situation. (You can’t grab me if I no longer live with you.) Other methods are to make sure there is a consequence that means something to them such as losing their job, humiliation by calling them out publicly when they do something you have asked them not to, and involving others including higher-ups or even law enforcement if necessary.

None of these ideas are easy or without consequences of their own when dealing with a narcissist. Making it impossible to cross our boundaries is infuriating to them, because we’ve taken away their ability to mess with us, which is a form of “supply” and entertainment. And I would say tread cautiously with an infuriated narcissist. But just like the person who was driving on my land, some people just won’t listen — and so the only answer is to bar the way.

Three ways to Deal with the Narcissist on the Energetic Level

Sometimes the narcissist seems to have everything under their control on the human level, leaving us feeling stuck, paralyzed and at a complete loss as to what to do. They block every move we make, refusing to cooperate or act like any sort of reasonable human being. Is there any way forward when they do this? Perhaps there is — just on another level.

It was months after I’d left the X. I was living away from the home we’d purchased together, paying both rent and my half of the mortgage. He had gone from originally agreeing to sell the house to accusing me of being crazy and refusing to move. “Why should I blow up my life just because you’re all of a sudden bipolar?” I was terrified of his irrational anger and not sure what he was capable of, so had decided my only option was to get the heck out while things were sorted. But a year later we were at a complete impasse, and my lawyer was saying it was going to be a long and costly court battle to get him out (we weren’t married, so our co-ownership was treated as a business relationship). I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day, waking up again and again to exactly the same thing with no hope whatsoever that anything would change.

On a work trip to California, I had dinner with a dear friend and colleague. She understood immediately what I was dealing with, having had personal experience with toxic narcissism. I outlined the impasse we were at and how completely stuck I felt. She looked at me and said, very matter-of-factly, “Well, if you can’t do anything on the human level, you’re going to have to work on the energetic level.” Hearing this felt like seeing a small flash of light at the end of a dark tunnel. What the heck, I thought–it’s something to focus on rather than simply how bad and unfair everything was.

Why entertain this sort of “work” in my process of detangling myself? Well, even though I am a huge fan of science and do much of my work in the neuroscience of human development and trauma, I also know there is infinitely more that we don’t know than that we do (or think we do). Can I scientifically explain “working on the energetic level?” Not really — but then, no one can. Some spiritual “experts” may tell you it’s all about the quantum field and particles and waves and entanglement and manifestation, but the truth of the matter is, the science isn’t there yet. It’s not proven that stuff that happens on the quantum level happens on the human or complex system level. And yet, so many of us have had experiences that are beyond what feels like rational explanation. So I where I land personally is that something is happening, but exactly what and how are still emerging.

All that having been said, I was completely open to my friend’s ideas and advice. As I went to work in this area, I came up with the following Big Three of dealing with a narcissist on the energetic level:

ONE: I cut the cords between us and sent him away energetically. This was an idea from my friend. She suggested that first I picture all the energetic connections between us as cords, and imagine severing them in some way (I used a flaming sword in my imagination). I imagined the cords being cut and then retracting back into each of us. The second suggestion she made was to imagine X coming towards me through the mist. Instead of allowing him to get close, she said to put him in some sort of a vessel, the inside of which was covered in mirrors so that he had to face himself (I really love that part). Then I was to send the vessel spinning off out beyond the earth, into some sort of oblivion.

How this helped–It made me feel I had some power over my own energetic space. I could send him away, and the more I did this, the more I felt he was not intruding as much into my thoughts and my life as I reconstructed it. I felt less vulnerable. (And who knows, maybe it did help move him on!)

TWO: I visualized him as small and impotent. One of the healing team I worked with suggested this. During one of our sessions I was sharing how scared I was, and he said that he saw X as a small, angry man jumping up and down in fury. I thought of the story of Rumpelstiltskin, and how the nasty Rumpelstiltskin becomes small and impotent once the heroine learns his name (thus the title of this blog: But Now I Know Your Name). I would literally picture him stomping and storming around the field near my house, about as large as a garden gnome.

How this helped–slowly and gradually, the more I pictured this, the less afraid of him I became and the more ridiculous he appeared to me. (Let me emphasize this was a slow process.) Over time, when I found myself thinking of him, this is the image I would see. A furious little impotent gnome who couldn’t hurt me.

THREE: I asked for support. There were actually two aspects of this one. First of all, I tapped into a connection to what I think of as my spiritual team. This includes my mother who passed on in 2008, my guardian angel, and any other non-physical beings who might be hanging around. I talked with them regularly, asking for the specific help I wanted.

How this helped–these conversations helped me focus on what I wanted to happen, rather than my “poor me” story. And whether or not it was true that I had non-physical beings helping me, I also felt less alone when I spoke with them. I loved the idea that there was a sort of force of light on my side!

The second way I asked for support is that I posted a request on FB, asking friends and colleagues to reach out to their spiritual teams. I didn’t share details, I just said I was going through a tough time and if they had anyone in the non-physical they could call on, I would appreciate the support.

How this helped–wow, I can’t even begin to say how impactful this was. People responded with an overwhelming amount of support, ranging from offering their expertise with the Akashic Records and numerology, to prayers and intentions. Can I prove this made the difference? No, I can’t. But almost immediately things started to happen at an accelerated pace. By the time I asked for support, I had actually hired a different attorney, but he was getting excuses and evasions from the X. A week after the post, we had a reasonable offer. I made the post in April, and I moved back into my house the first of July. Just saying.

And so — if you can’t move things on the human level with a narcissist, I’d say go ahead and activate the energetic level by cutting cords and sending them away, visualizing them in a way that diminishes their power, and asking for support in the non-physical. It very well may help!

Three Lesser-Known Ways You Can Be Love Bombed

One of the things we all tend to hear about right away as we explore narcissism and narcissistic abuse is the classic pattern commonly known as “love bombing.” One person I know was flown to another city for dinner on the first date. Another was showered with flowers and expensive jewelry during the first six weeks of dating. And another was put so high up on a pedestal, as she puts it, “I was afraid to move.” He told her she was the most beautiful, perfect women he had ever seen, and she felt she had to live up to that at all times. “I used to set my alarm 15 minutes before he got up so I could run to the bathroom and put some make-up on. God forbid he saw me without!”

You get the picture — classic love-bombing is often over the top and intense, the stuff fairy tales and rom coms are made of. And this sort of attention sets the target up for a trauma bond, in that we have this initial wonderful treatment imprinted as what the relationship really “is.” Then when it inevitably falls off (no narcissist continues this sort of behavior indefinitely — it’s just a strategy to lure you in), we tend to a) hold the new, less kind treatment as an aberration, and b) move heaven and earth to try to get back to where we feel it “should be.”

Although love bombing is generally thought of a tactic used at the beginning of relationships to reel the target in, it’s also the tactic they us to get us back if we start to drift away, try to end things or actually leave the relationship. “Wait!” the narcissist thinks. “I want that fish after all, let me bait the hook with something I know works.”

So let’s take a look at some of the ways we get love bombed that may not be as obvious as trips to Paris and dozens of roses. Sometimes, the narcissist employs other, much more subtle strategies that are just as compelling and addictive, but which we may not recognize as easily as love bombing.

ONE: Subtle insinuation that this relationship is fated, meant to me, a soul mate connection, and so on. This is actually my own example. I met the X when I was in my mid-50s. At that stage of life, I was not particularly susceptible to or interested in over the top compliments, gifts, etc. He either sensed this or simply couldn’t be bothered to try harder. (He certainly didn’t have the money to sweep me off my feet anyway.) Instead, early on he would just slip in comments like being together felt so “obvious,” that this relationship was so synchronistic it must be “meant to be,” and on the second date that he wanted to “take care of me forever.” It was always done fairly casually without fanfare, and it really sucked me in and made me feel that I had finally found a good one.

As things got harder and I considered leaving, this sense that we were “fated” often gave me pause. Maybe this was just how it was with a soul mate. If he saw us this way, who was I to doubt the rightness of things? Who was I to give up?

TWO: Attention and interest. For those of us coming from neglectful families or neglectful previous relationships, someone simply tuning in to you and listening can feel like the best thing ever. In a healthy relationship, attention is a give and take and partners are naturally interested in each other. However, watch out, because while a narcissist will often start out being fascinated by you, this can be because a) they are love bombing by making you feel important and b) (even worse) they are storing up information to use against you later.

This is an easy one for the narcissist to quickly reactivate when need be. Typically, once the novelty of you has worn off (and it always does), they’ll withdraw attention and send it elsewhere to something or someone newer and therefor more interesting. But if you become distant, go on to do your own thing, or (god forbid) ignore them as well, you will find they amp up the attention. This might be positive, such as acknowledging they have been “busy” and offering to take you out. Or it could be negative, such as accusations, projections, or picking a fight. The narcissist actually doesn’t care that much. They just want to get you invested again and responding to them.

THREE: “Fauwareness.” That stands for Faux Awareness, a favorite strategy of the spiritual and communal narcissist. In the beginning, the narcissist presents themselves as very aware, even above it all, and “enlightened.” They say the right things, they exude a Buddha-like calm and acceptance, they seem unhookable and at peace. The target wonders how they ever got so lucky as to meet and be involved such a being! Wow! (This is a mask that slips fairly quickly, by the way, as life has its annoyances and narcissists more than most people have trouble emotionally regulating.) When things get difficult in the relationship, the narcissist may, after much processing and patient listening on your part, have an “insight” or “realization.” You as the target think, good, now we are getting somewhere. But no, sorry, you’re not. It’s only fauwareness.

How do you tell the difference between this and a real insight? Real insights and awareness drive real behavior change. Fauwareness is pretty much just to get you off their back and keep you hooked in. We tend to take this as evidence of their “true being,” and it can be both hopeful and captivating. But pretty much always with narcissists, you won’t see any lasting behavior change come out of it. Sorry to say, it’s a strategy to facilitate what they want.

Bottom line is, we can all be loved bombed without knowing it, and a clever narcissist will figure out just what you most crave. Is it gifts and experiences? Or the belief in soul mates and fate? Do you just love someone who shows interest in you? Or do you swoon over a person who seems to be spiritually aware? Whatever it is, you can bet the narcissist will figure it out and use it to get you and keep you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She is hoping to never fall for love bombing of any sort again.

When the Narcissist Expects You to be Their Emotional Support Animal

Once again, my ex was furious and directing it at me. Something had gone wrong with the house and he was angry and annoyed. I asked what I could do to help, knowing he was relying on me to somehow make it better. “Don’t ask me that, you don’t mean it,” he growled with barely controlled rage. For the first time in this dynamic, instead of apologizing and assuring him I did want to do something and trying my hardest to make him feel better, I actually took a beat (and a breath) and realized I was done being his emotional punching bag. Instead I said, “I did not do this. I am not the source of your anger. I did nothing wrong. If I do something to you, you can be angry with me. Otherwise, this stops.”

Narcissists are notorious for not being able to emotionally regulate.* Their uncontrolled (and often unexpected) rages, bad moods and blame are a big part of why targets all too often feel they need to walk on eggshells around the narcissist. Many targets attempt to de-escalate the situation by taking on more than their share of responsibility, apologizing, and doing their very best to anticipate and avoid things that set the narcissist off. This is a strategy that is imperfect at best, but at least it is something.

But what about the things that set the narcissist off outside of the relationship? Work stress, house and car breakdowns, issues with the children, and basically the whole world and its many complications and annoyances? While obviously you can’t control those, many narcissists expect that you will do your best to help with the situation, talk them down, provide comfort, and overall sooth their distress.

In other words, be their emotional support animal.

Now, I myself am a big fan of emotional support animals — that is, in animal form. They can help so much with things like PTSD, anxiety, and depression, as well as many other physical and psychological issues. And many dogs, cats, horses (just to name a few) have an energy, what we might think of as a purpose, to help people (and even other animals) feel better and regulate their bodies and emotions. (I have to mention here that there is a growing community of folks who work with horses in both coaching and leadership as well. Awesome stuff.)

It’s also important to note that there is of course a healthy leaning in to each other for support. It is natural and human to reach out to one another when we are stressed or upset. But when a person feels that it is somehow your job to regulate them (and this is not particularly reciprocal), then you are being asked to be their emotional support person and this is not fair or healthy. Good relationships don’t involve one person being the other’s on-call therapist / coach / security blanket.

Most narcissists also reject the idea of them seeking outside help, such as therapy or coaching. After all, that’s your job. And this is the crux of how they see you–in relationship to them, not as a person with your own needs, ideas, accomplishments and goals.

And so, if you feel like your relationship requires you to be the one to keep your partner regulated and on track, you may be dealing with someone on the narcissism continuum — especially if they get angry when you ask them to get some outside help. You are not here to be someone’s emotional support animal. You are here to pursue your life and make it shine.

*There is some evidence that those with high trait narcissism may carry a genetic modification that impacts serotonin (the MAOA-L gene, also called the “warrior gene”). One of the functions of serotonin is to help modulate strong emotions. Those with this gene don’t get the same serotonin response and thus have a much harder time recovering from stressful events. This manifests as rage, obsession with revenge, and an overall disregulated personality. Almost all (maybe all) psychopaths have the warrior gene, but research shows it is also prevalent in high trait narcissism.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She has a bunch of emotional support cats but likes her human relationships to be much more reciprocal.

Why Narcissists Can be Compelling

At a time when many of us feel uncertain (about the world, about our leaders, about ourselves), a narcissist’s projection of certainty can feel admirable.

Few of us are as seemingly confident as a classic narcissist, particularly of the overt type. Where we may question and doubt ourselves, wondering if we are doing the right thing and pondering if what we said came across how we meant it, they typically stroll forward in the world projecting that they, for one, have it all figured out. If someone doesn’t get it, doesn’t agree, or doesn’t understand them, well then, that’s their problem. Because the persona the narcissist projects is perfection itself. Nothing wrong with me!

This, my friends, is one of the many complex reasons people join cults (although as others have said, almost no one joins a cult, they join what looks like a good thing), all of which are run by narcissists. If we ourselves find the answers elusive, with the ground beneath us like shifting sand, and someone comes along convincingly saying “here is the way, just do what I say,” it can feel comforting.

It’s also a reason narcissists end up in leadership (and the C-suite in particular) to a greater degree than non-narcissists. Unfortunately, projecting tremendous certainty and confidence is seen as a leadership trait, even if the person doesn’t have the actual experience or credentials for the job.

I’m aware I myself have fallen into this. I have found more than one narcissist’s sense of certainty compelling. This was particularly true for me in intimate relationships. By my count, I married one narcissist, lived with another, and seriously dated at least two. All of them were much more clear about how they felt about us than I was. They all told me this was meant to be, we were obviously soul mates, etc., and I thought “Wow, that’s great that they are so sure!” And I hung my future on this confidence. (Ok, yeah, BIG red flag — now I know!)

Of course, the problem with this is that it is a) a projection, not real in the least, generally based on smoke, mirrors and a false mask of confidence; and b) fragile and unsustainable. Therefore, the narcissist, (whether in the workplace, family, intimate partnership, or as a cult leader) must resort to high levels of coercive control in order to maintain their position of power. No one can be allowed to see, as in the Wizard of Oz, behind the curtain. Because what is there — always and without fail underneath all the BS — is a small, angry, ashamed, wounded little person desperately hoping the world never finds out who and what they really are.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She has become much more skeptical about people who claim to have the answers.

Time Can Indeed Heal

It’s been a minute, as they say. Actually four and a half years. I’ve been gone now twice as long as I was involved, and the binding threads are frayed and more and more are broken. I can think about him with less emotion and more curiosity. My body tells me it is ok to remember.

So much processing and healing these years. He’s moved from intruding into my thoughts multiple times each day to living — appropriately — in a small box in my mind where he generally stays unless I invite him out. And more and more I find myself blessedly uninterested.

What was everything you needed to know about me has become a footnote to my story. Sometimes I even forget to mention this part of my life or decide it is irrelevant. He, who was a monster of astonishing proportions, has become irrelevant.

I am learning that when I tell a story without it moving me to greater understanding and reflection, the story just gets bigger. But when I use the process to organize the puzzle pieces, learn the patterns, and come to know myself more deeply, it seems to shrink. This, I have come to see, may be its job.

I offer this for all of us who are venturing on the journey of leaving, healing and self-love. For me, in the beginning it looked daunting, impossible, and beyond my comprehension. And yet, like every journey, it turned out to be simply one foot in front of the other. One realization. One brave act. One piece of logistics. One thing I could do to care for myself.

Time helps us heal when we do our work. The energy can move. The body can release. We can grow.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She is grateful for the journey.

What’s Worse, a Grandiose or a Covert Narcissist?

One of you rattles your tail and shows your scales in the sun.

The other lurks in the grass and pretends to be a stick, a ripple, a movement of the wind.

One of you broadcasts a warning to all who know what your type is wont to do.

The other says oh, me, don’t worry. I’m harmless. I would not cause a problem or be a threat.

One of you says pay attention, give me the stage, I am wonderful and unique and I deserve the adulation of the world.

The other says pay attention, give me the stage, I was hurt and treated unfairly and I deserve the pity of the world.

One of you boasts, one of you complains. One of you struts, one of you sulks.

One of you is so colorful and shiny some may want to come close — but if we have any knowledge of snakes like this, we won’t.

The other is dull and brown and seems inoffensive and needing care — we think we can hold and nurture them, only to find the bite is deadly.

What’s worse? One of you is a snake, and the other is as well. And a snake is a snake is a snake.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She has become much better at snake identification.

The WHY and the WHO of Coaching and Relational Trauma

The trauma recovery space has many self-declared coaches who, although usually well-meaning and good hearted, are often are not trained or credentialed (just because you’ve been through trauma does not, unfortunately, mean you know how to help someone else safely and effectively). Conversely, trained professional coaches (who ideally hold a credential from the International Coaching Federation) can feel a bit reluctant to wade into waters they have been told belong to therapists, not coaches.

In this video, BEabove Leadership co-founders Ann Betz and Ursula Pottinga talk through why experienced coaches can and should work in this arena, with some specialized training, as well as who they feel it is appropriate to work with.

Are you a coach who is interested in being certified in relational trauma? Check out our comprehensive program, Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma.