True confession: after doing a couple of much-needed years of healing after the X, I spent some time on the dating apps in order to, as they say, “get back out there.” In doing so, I experienced the good, the bad and the ugly. The good is my current partner, a lovely retired professor who is patient and kind. The bad was a number of folks who skewed narcissistic, but luckily I was able to sniff them out early and my losses this time amounted to little more than a disappointing meal or outing. The ugly? Well, that was all the romance scammers. And wow, were there ever a lot of those! (Luckily I had learned the signs and didn’t get caught, but many people do.)
Here’s a few ways to recognize a romance scammer on the apps:
ONE: They live near you, but are for some reason stationed overseas. In my demographic, Doctors Without Borders was a favorite (I mean, that’s brilliant–who wouldn’t want to date a humanitarian doctor?). Other common “professions” are working in some capacity for the United Nations, being in the military, working on a oil rig, or simply needing to abroad “for business.”
Hilariously, I kept getting contacted by scammers claiming to live in Belén, New Mexico, population under 8,000 people. And they ALL were doctors serving overseas. Who knew Belén was such a hotbed of educated, service-minded people?
TWO: They are seriously handsome and look younger than their years. Scammers typically grab photos from models, Instagrammers, etc. No matter how attractive you are yourself, the bait is going to be a really really good-looking person, male or female. By the way, you can look online for how to do a reverse image search to see if the name matches the image, which is one way to know right away if it is a scammer.
THREE: They will be instantly smitten with you. You will be perfect, beautiful, handsome, the answer to their dreams. The love-bombing will be strong, persistent, and generally over the top. They will want to move communication off the app and will have some excuse as to why. By the way, don’t do this — the apps provide some layer of protection.
FOUR: They will be unable to meet you (see #1 above) and will have problems with their camera so they can’t video chat. They may be willing to talk and some will have a backstory that they are European (or were raised overseas) in order to explain any accent. But if you have any sense of accents, you will notice it doesn’t sound European. They will have some complicated explanation for this, by the way, and you may feel churlish for questioning them. Also, you may notice poor English or misspellings that don’t match what they tell you about their background/level of education.
FIVE: They will do their best to work their way into the fabric of your life, being there for you, showering you with attention and love, communicating consistently and often. They may even send you flowers or a meal after you’ve had a hard day (this, by the way, is arranged by conning another target to do so). You will be lulled into thinking they are your loving partner, even though you’ve never met in person.
Once they hook you in, here are a few common ways they try to get money out of you, which is always what they are seeking:
ONE: They are rich, but their money is tied up. They may even send you (forged) bank statements to show you how they are going to “take care of you” once they are back from overseas. But there will be some reason they need help (see #2 below), even though they have robust assets. You are told it’s temporary and you’ll get it all back. There will be a convincing story.
TWO: They are in bad trouble and need your help. They have been in an accident and the doctors need to be paid before doing surgery. They have been falsely accused and arrested. They need to pay for equipment for their business. They have no food and can’t get any because their accounts are frozen. They want to come and see you and need money for a ticket. The list goes on.
THREE: Their child needs help, an operation, etc. (Bringing in kids is a classic strategy to tug at the heartstrings.)
FOUR: There is a big windfall you are going to share if they can just get it out of the country they are in. Gold, diamonds, etc. You just need to help “get it out of customs” or pay off a corrupt official. But WOW will it ever pay off. (Not.)
FIVE: They want gift cards. This is because the services that send cash, such as Western Union, are on to romance scammers. They are learning to ask people questions like “have you ever met this person in real life?” and even refuse to wire money. (Scammers know this and will often even coach you on what to say.) Gift cards are a way around this.
If you think you or a loved one may be being romance scammed, here are a few resources:
Federal Trade Commission Consumer Advice
There are also a number of YouTube Channels devoted to exposing romance scams, including Catfished Online and Social Catfish.
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Want a partner on the path? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and honest relationships.
But Now I Know Your Name 