There are three things we need for a truly loving, rewarding and healthy intimate relationship: Attraction, Respect, and Trust. This is the ART of love.
When working in the arena of relational trauma the subject of love comes up all the time. “Do they/did they even love me?” “But I still love them.” “What if I still love them?” etc. And usually, I respond, well, let’s explore what love actually is to you. And I find that mostly they don’t really know. We talk about love all the time, often without stopping to consider what we mean by it, although we do tend to know it is a way we feel. In my experience in relationships, I have some to see that real lasting love in an intimate partnership has the three keystones mentioned above, and that there can be a domino effect in that if one falls, the others are at risk as well.
Here are some thoughts about each one, followed by examples of what can happen when one or more is missing.
ONE: Attraction. We need to feel a certain chemistry, a feeling that the person appeals to us, some excitement and interest in being around them. A sense of “heartfulness” about the relationship, which to me feels like my heart going towards and being open to them. Of course, attraction is often stronger at the beginning of relationships due to the “honeymoon effect” of dopamine, a neurotransmitter which cues us to anticipate a reward. Dopamine is more commonly activated when things are novel and unknown, and doesn’t continue at the same level once we are familiar with the person or situation. In healthy intimate relationships, we tend to transition out of the exciting dopamine stage into the more stable experience of long-term bonding activated by chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin.
But even though the initial “Oh my god they are perfect!” excitement generally wears off, continued attraction is still an important part of a love relationship. If it dies off completely, it’s hard to sustain an intimate partnership because the romantic aspect is missing. In my own experience, attraction is also tied to the other two keystones in that when they are strong it tends to sustain attraction, and when they are not, attraction often dies.
TWO: Respect. We need to respect our partner, to feel a certain admiration for their abilities, actions, values, qualities, and/or achievements. Obviously it’s not about the partner needing to be a famous rock star (or whatever). It’s about how they show up in the world and the choices they make. When we think about them, see them in the world, or watch them at a gathering, do we feel a sense of pride in being associated with them, or do we feel we need to somehow apologize for them? (All too often I have heard targets of abuse say things like “Oh they’re not like that when we are alone.”) Ultimately, respect is about whether or not we like and admire them as a person. And to me, the lack of respect is a huge attraction killer (see Maria’s story below).
THREE: Trust. Fundamentally, we need to feel safe. This is of course, not just physical safety (although of course absolutely critical), but emotional as well. We need to feel we can say difficult things and be heard, that our reasonable requests will be taken seriously, and that the other person will show up for us and the relationship even when it is hard. We need to feel that promises will be kept between us, and fundamentally, that we have solid ground to stand on. If we feel we need to “walk on eggshells” that is a classic sign we don’t have a relationship of trust. Not knowing where we stand or that we are ok is also a classic attraction killer over time, although for some of us, it may actually heighten our interest for a while due to the power of intermittent reinforcement. (Also see Why Narcissists Mess With Our Core Need to Trust.)
Lack of Trust, My Own Story: I truly respected the work this person was doing in the world, I extended trust (because that’s what I tend to do), and I found him attractive. Early on in the relationship, I expressed a need for more connection, and was soundly rebuffed. In fact, after a wonderful first 3 months, he broke up with me. We were apart for six weeks and then he reached out again to reconnect. I was young and still “in love” with him, so I jumped at the chance. But I now see that this incident made me lose trust in my role in the relationship and right to ask for what I wanted and needed. I married this man, but never felt I could fully trust his emotional state and treatment of me, as he was often angry and unpleasant, and took his stress out on me. For most of the time we were together, I did respect him, but as the trust waned, so did the attraction.
Lack of Respect, Maria’s Story: Maria had been involved with a malignant narcissist for 10 years who devalued, demeaned, and controlled her. Once she was out of that relationship and had done a great deal of healing, she was interested in having another relationship but was cautious to date again. When she met Rachel in a meditation group, Maria went very slowly and waited to fully extend trust. But Rachel showed again and again that she was kind, would not hurt her, kept her promises, and was overall a really good person. Maria felt relieved to be able to trust someone, and at first there was also respect and attraction.
But after they had been dating for a few months, Rachel lost her job as a school counselor and made little effort to find a new one. The strong person Maria met who was interesting and involved in the community turned into a self-involved person who was full of excuses as to why she couldn’t find a job. Maria had a lot of compassion at first, but after a year of this (Rachel was living off a small inheritance) with no sign of change, Maria realized that even though she continued to trust Rachel, her respect had died, and with it, any attraction.
Lack of Both Trust and Respect, David’s Story: David and Kira were drawn together immediately with a powerful attraction David describes as magnetic. Even after five years of marriage they had a wonderful sex life and he continued to feel chemistry with her. At first, David also respected Kira’s attempts to start a new business and (as we do) trusted everything she told him. But soon after they were married he began to see a different side of his wife. He noticed that some of her descriptions of her past didn’t seem to add up, she went from being kind and patient to dismissive and demeaning, and she began to leave the house for long periods with only vague explanations for where she was. When he wanted to talk about his day, she was “busy,” but when she wanted to talk about hers, he needed to pay rapt attention or pay the price of her anger.
Over time, her so-called “business” made little progress and, despite her grandiose promises and projections, brought in next to no revenue. David felt more and more alone unless they were in bed, but couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong. He now says he realizes his trust and respect were both eroding, and it was attraction alone keeping him in the relationship and causing him to forgive her time after time. One day a friend mentioned that they thought Kira might be somewhat narcissistic. David wasn’t familiar with narcissism, so decided to do some internet searching. As he looked into it, he saw that Kira met the descriptions all too well, and he was experiencing the same impact that other targets had shared. This was enough for him to begin the difficult process of extricating himself from the relationship. “Knowing her narcissism was probably at the core of ‘our’ problems also killed any attraction I still had,” he now says.
Lack of Attraction, Pat’s Story: Pat met a nice person who was kind and reliable. Pat felt they were the balm to the spirit they’d been longing for after a series of dramatic and toxic relationships with untrustworthy people. Pat respected this person and trusted them deeply as well, but even early on, there was little passion between them. Rather, the relationship felt like a comfortable old shoe, safe and predictable. Sex was at first intermittent, and then slowly disappeared. Pat began to wonder if they themselves had lost all libido and if this was all the future held — a passionless yet secure connection with another person. As Pat pondered this, they realized that in order to feel safe, they had neglected a critical aspect of intimate partnership, the feeling of true attraction.
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Some final thoughts: I have been thinking about the ART of love and realizing how critical all three aspects are to a powerful intimate relationship. I myself have unconsciously let go of one or more too many times, thinking that “love” was worth it, without seeing that all three is what we all truly want and need.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She is no longer willing to have an ART-less relationship.
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