Another Reason Narcissists Like to Lie — it’s More Fun

Bottom line: lying generally requires greater effort by the prefrontal cortex* than telling the truth does. This actually makes it stimulating and even more fun for the narcissist.

Anyone who’s been involved with a narcissist knows that they often have a somewhat casual relationship with the truth. Many (if not most) lie with impunity, and often so convincingly that our own sense of reality can feel like we’re standing on shifting sands. What is, in fact, real from what they are telling us?

There are many reasons that narcissists lie. To manipulate, to gaslight, to control, to avoid responsibility, to get attention, etc. (See this post for more on the narcissist and lying.) But one we often don’t consider is that it is fun for them.

In my own case, I have to confess I believed everything he told me. Why wouldn’t I? He was my partner, my soul-mate. Now, of course I know that people lie. In fact, research shows that human beings tend to cook up stories a couple of times a day. But serious deception in a personal relationship was simply not what I was counting on.

At some point after I left and was deep in my healing process, I found myself pondering something he had told me and realizing in that moment, that it was probably a lie. Not to be too cliched here, but it was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. All of a sudden I could see. Why was I taking what he had said as true? Wasn’t it much more likely that a large percentage of it were lies?

But why did he lie to me? For all the reasons above and — because it was more fun. Narcissists appear to have a disrupted relationship to the neurotransmitter dopamine, which cues us to what is rewarding and worth our attention. More research need to be done in this area, but the cues point to that they tend to be constantly seeking dopamine-inducing experiences. This may explain why there is so much “co-morbidity” for narcissists — that is, other issues such as addiction. They need more and/or more constant dopamine than non-narcissists in order to feel stimulated and alive.

Lying requires greater effort by the prefrontal cortex (PFC) than telling the truth, and things that add stimulation to our PFCs generate neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine (adrenaline). By the way, this is true for both narcissists and non-narcissists, and is why, for most of us lying feels stressful and we don’t really tend to enjoy it. But for a personality type that is low on dopamine, a nice juicy lie can spice things up and make life more interesting.

Ah yes, the more you know……

*See https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-art-of-lying/

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and telling the truth.

The Myth of the Difficult-But-Worth-It-Genius

We are all too often told that so and so is/was “difficult” (code for highly toxic and narcissistic) but “look what they have created!” Pardon me while I barf.

This is one of the arguments for tolerating narcissists that I find most upsetting, and it gets used a lot. Consider the tech founder notorious for reducing his engineers to tears with blistering criticism, yet credited for “amazing innovations” and even “changing the world.” Consider the famously nasty fashion magazine editor known for eviscerating her underlings yet called “visionary” and “iconic.” Yeah, the list goes on and on and on.

I am reminded of a Virginia Woolf short story from 1929 called “Shakespeare’s Sister.” In this fictional story, Shakespeare had a sister, Judith, just as talented as he, but limited, of course, by the constraints of her gender in Elizabethan England. What would have happened had she had the opportunities of her brother? Woolf wonders.

To me, this is somewhat analogous to the issue of working for a highly narcissistic but “amazing” leader. We assume that they are the geniuses and therefor should be excused for however they want to act. But what of all the other brilliant women and men in these organizations who might be just as talented, given the chance?

And furthermore, what of the impact of being yelled at, belittled, and abused? We know that our prefrontal cortex, the seat of executive function, is exquisitely attuned to stress. If we are either over- or under-stressed, it doesn’t work particularly well. Working for a volatile, abusive boss tends to put us in a state of high alert, which can flood this part of the brain with neurotransmitters that impede clear and creative thought.

I think of the wasted talent in so many organizations. What problems could be solved if they were treated with appreciation and respect and their brains could settle and go to work?

And please don’t ever tell me that so-and-so “genius” was “difficult” but this was somehow worth it given what they have done for the world. I will always simply wonder at the brilliance that was snuffed out by their toxic behavior.

—————————-

Want a partner on the path? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy workplaces.

Letting the Snow Globe Settle

Heartache purged layers of baggage I didn’t know I carried. Gifts hide under the layers of grief. ~ Shauna Hoey

Directly after leaving the narcissist, I had, as they say “so many feels.” Complex and contradictory emotions swirled around me. Sometimes I felt very clear and resolved, only to realize later that I, well, wasn’t. But with time, exploration in counseling, acupuncture, massage, and other healing and self-care strategies, everything seemed to somehow settle. And as it did, unexpected awarenesses would emerge.

Narcissistic abuse shakes and destabilizes us, like the flakes inside a snow globe, hiding what is actually there. This is actually a natural brain response to trauma. With stress, our sensitive prefrontal cortices get flooded with neurotransmitters, making it hard to focus, analyze, understand. This is actually a protective process designed to help us get through the trauma by concentrating energy mostly towards fight, flight, freeze or fawn–all survival strategies.

When the abuse occurs over time, we can end up in a generally compromised state of “arousal” as we attempt to stay one step ahead of the toxic person. In other words, our systems are constantly in a state of high alert in an attempt to keep us safe. This is another reason targets of abuse can find it difficult to leave — it’s hard to see what’s really going on when your snow globe is all shaken up. It’s often all we can do just to get through the day.

It’s also another reason why it is so important to get out, and go “no contact” if you possibly can. As long as the toxic person is part of your life, it’s really hard to feel settled. They often don’t need to do anything other than be around for our snow globes to be all a-flurry, and this impact can also linger on. For example, I have a friend who had a very abusive boss who was always putting her down, yelling, and belittling her. Years after leaving that situation, she said that even just the phone ringing could still shake up her snow globe. What is hopeful though, is that over time and with a fair amount of coaching and other healing work, this diminished. And as it did, she often shared with me greater awareness about who she had been then and who she was now.

I’ve seen this phenomenon in almost all the people I know who are healing from relational trauma, whether is it in the home or workplace (or somewhere else). As they go through their process — and how this looks and how long it takes is different for each one of us — the flakes of their globe settle more and more. And as they do, “ahas” about the whole thing often reveal themselves. It’s very common a client will come on a call with me and say “I just realized…..”

These “ahas” are of course helped by both knowledge and personal exploration, as well as general care of our disrupted nervous systems. For targets of narcissistic abuse, things like massage, acupuncture, energy work, being in nature, art, music, etc. can all help our snow globes settle. It may not feel like this is directly doing anything to heal, but this sort of self-care often creates a state where we can address issues more effectively. And, as I have mentioned, this can also help get us to a place where things tend to reveal themselves, just like the winter scene becomes clear in a snow globe as the glittery flakes settle.

—————————-

In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She loves the feeling of being a settled snow globe.