Why Narcissists Can’t Change: the Broken Mug Metaphor

One of the most painful things to face if you’re in relationship with a highly narcissistic person is the extreme (and I mean extreme) unlikelihood that they will change. Many, if not most, targets of narcissistic abuse are highly empathetic, kind, understanding and loyal. (More on this in a later post.) This tends to mean we like to believe in the innate goodness of people, as well as their ability to grow and change. We don’t like to give up on our relationships, and it is hard to understand that they may not be processing things at all the way we do ourselves.

This leads us to the broken mug metaphor. I’m a coffee drinker and I love a nice big coffee mug. Years ago I had one that fell onto my tile floor and the handle broke off. No biggie, I got out my Gorilla Glue and stuck it back on. It’s stayed put since. Then recently my favorite one (blue with white stripes and green polka dots and the perfect size) fell and smashed into a million pieces. I was so sad as I looked at it all over the floor. I could identify parts (the bottom was still somewhat intact) but it quickly became clear there was no point in attempting a repair. I reluctantly swept it up and put it in the trash. I’m not an anthropologist, after all.

Most of us are like the first mug. We have a piece or two missing that needs some glue. We can grow, change, and develop, and maybe in the repair we even become more beautiful, as in the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where cracks are filled with gold, making art of the damage.

People who are highly narcissistic are more like the second mug. This means that a) the core that is needed to build upon was not developed early in life, most classically because of abuse, neglect, or overindulgence without emotional connection. In other words, without a core to start with, where would we stick the pieces? And b) the time, care and attention that it would take to create a workable mug is beyond the narcissist’s interest or commitment. Narcissism experts such as Dr. Ramani Durvasula (see her YouTube channel for wonderful content) say that the intensive therapy (most likely multiple sessions a week over years) needed for a narcissist to truly change would be beyond what any narcissist would be interested in and willing to do.

Why would this be beyond the narcissist’s interest or commitment? Psychologists have a name for this: egosyntonic versus egodystonic. An egodystonic (think “dystopia”) issue is one that does not feel good to us. It feels out of alignment, something we don’t like or want. People are much more likely to seek treatment for an egodystonic problem (examples might be depression, OCD, anxiety, etc.). But an egosytonic (think “synthesis”) disorder is something that feels to the person who has it as if it were simply normal or like how it should be. Narcissism is an egosyntonic issue, and people with egosyntonic issues are fairly unlikely to seek treatment because they don’t perceive a problem.

In other words, the mug doesn’t think it is broken. We can see it laying on the floor, unable to hold water, but it thinks it is doing just fine and it’s the world’s fault that it doesn’t get what it really wants out of life. Best to do what I did, sweep up the pieces and go look on ebay for a new mug.

About the Author

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has a large collection of colorful coffee mugs.

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