The Narcissist at Work

Or, why most attempts to deal with workplace narcissism are like trying to make the carrots happy in a toxic stew.

At the end of our intensive trauma coaching certification program, one of the students reflected on her workplace experience. “Until this program, I had not really seen the depth to which working for a narcissistic boss for 20 years had undermined my confidence and sense of self. I think I had internalized her treatment and simply come to believe that I was somewhat incompetent and had little value.”

Not only does relational trauma occur in intimate partnerships and family systems, it is all too frequent in the workplace. In his fascinating book, Dying for a Paycheck, Stanford business professor Jeffrey Pfeffer had this to say about toxic workplace environments: “Most of the (toxic) workplace exposures have health effects comparable to or even greater than exposure to secondhand smoke.” We have protected workers from secondhand smoke, but not from the mental and physical health (largely due to stress) impacts of having a toxic boss and/or workplace.

As an executive coach, organizational development consultant, and narcissism expert, I have come to see that a huge percent of the time when I am called in for anything smacking of remediation or fixing a system, there is all too often a narcissist lurking somewhere. I have come to liken this to people being made ill from a stew with spoiled meat in it, and I am asked to come in to make the carrots happier. Sorry to say, “team building” or “communication skills training” are not going to do it. The toxic meat has to go before anything will be healthy in the system.

I often find organizations are way too resistant to this. A number of years ago I took a team through an intensive strategic planning/team-building process. The group was wonderful–bright, committed, insightful, engaged–and very frustrated. They had a narcissistic manager who gaslit and disempowered them, blocked progress, and half-assed the process personally (including the one-to-one coaching I’d arranged for him which he committed to and then never showed up for). In confidential communications during the process, it became abundantly clear the consistent issue was this manager. If he could just be gotten out of the stew, the team could move forward–and wanted to.

When I went to the manager’s boss at the end of the process with my report and recommendations, this is basically what I said. Nothing is going to happen here unless you get rid of him. He sighed and said, “Yeah, I know. I can’t.” I felt for him, but there was nothing else I could do short of a magic wand. (And also, if you knew this, why on earth did you bring me in??)

Attrition, health care costs, absenteeism and presenteeism (being at work but not really working), as well as possibly the great resignation itself all have links to this issue. I have seen the powerful wisdom that “people don’t leave companies, they leave managers,” manifest with my clients, colleagues and friends again and again and again. The toxic meat is just too costly to our mental and physical health and if we recognize this, we tend to get the heck out if we can.

On a more positive note, I recently talked with a colleague who is a very talented manager. I’d worked happily with her high functioning team for years, and we always had a blast — until she recognized that changes in the system were not good for her personally or professionally, and she left for another opportunity. Her former team is waiting with high anticipation for when she has an opening, because they want to work with her again. When we find those leaders who listen, empower, help us grow and develop, and manage for the good of all and not their own egos, we’d follow them through fire.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She really doesn’t enjoy trying to make the carrots happy.