Narcissistic Relationship Reality Versus Consensus Reality

Many of us who have had to navigate a narcissistic relationship find that we often encounter well-meaning advice from those who don’t really get what we are dealing with. They don’t understand that what may work in relationship with a “normal” person may be the exact opposite of what one needs to do when dealing with a narcissist. I call this distinction “narcissistic relationship reality versus consensus reality” (consensus reality being the “reality” that most people agree upon that is not necessarily the reality that is). A few examples are:

Consensus Reality	Narcissistic Relationship Reality
It’s awesome when someone is interested in you and asks lots of questions.	A narcissist will often ask lots of questions in the beginning of a relationship so they can gather intel to use against you at a later date.
It takes two to make a fight.	You will often be poked until you react and the narcissist will say something like “you’re irrational and out of control.”
You should always be willing to work on a relationship: mediation or couples therapy are critical before you decide to leave a situation.	A narcissist will often charm the mediator or therapist (if not trained in this area), may turn the tables and make themselves the victim, and will use these meetings to gather more information they can use against you.
You should just say how you feel and ask for what you want and need.	A narcissist doesn’t care and will just use your vulnerability against you.
Anyone can change, they just need support such as coaching or therapy.	Narcissists generally cannot change and, what is more, rarely want to.
You should forgive everyone, they are probably just trying their best. Narcissists don’t really have control over their bad behavior.	Narcissists rely on their target’s forgiveness in order to continue being abusive. Additionally, they do have control of their behavior or they would not be able to love-bomb and manipulate people. It might be ok to forgive on the spiritual level, but forgiveness on the human level only enables them.
Abuse is either physical, sexual, or possibly emotional—anything else is probably just communication issues.	There are multiple types of abuse beyond these, including coercive control, verbal use and financial abuse, just to name a few.
If you tell people in authority what’s going on (police, the courts, Human Resources, etc.), they will support and protect you.	Most people in authority don’t really understand the area of narcissistic abuse (they tend to fall on the consensus reality side of this table) and think that things can be resolved “fairly” and “reasonably.” Also, the narcissist may be charming them and/or playing the victim themselves. Only a few countries and states are beginning to enact legislation to make coercive control against the law.

I am personally very encouraged that more and more is coming to light about the realities of narcissistic abuse, but we are still far from it being where it needs to be, particularly in company HR departments and the legal system. One of my favorite experts in this area, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, believes that things like the narcissistic abuse cycle and the red flags of narcissism need to be taught in schools before kids start to date, and I couldn’t agree more. Once again, knowledge is power!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has a deep respect for reality as it is.