The Test

We’d been together a couple of months and I had just moved in (I know, I know, big mistake). After a few weeks living together I noticed he seemed strangely distant and distracted and I couldn’t put my finger on why. We had had good and what I thought was honest, mature communication up until then, so I went to him and said something along the lines of “Hey, I am feeling a bit disconnected from you. I’d like to reconnect.” He hit the roof and was so over the top reactive and abusive I honestly don’t even recall what it was he said. But it was angry and aggressive and deeply hurtful. I was shattered and confused, but, dear reader, I stayed. I shouldn’t have, but I was already invested, so I stayed.

Targets of narcissistic abuse often report similar early in the relationship behavior. Once you are “locked down” in some way, the narcissist rages, picks a fight, does something highly manipulative or controlling, etc. This is to see if you will forgive them and stay. It’s a test.

This generally happens when you have some sort of promise or commitment to them. In romantic relationships it may be moving in together, becoming engaged or married, having a child, or even just deciding on exclusivity. In the workplace, it might simply be after taking the job and leaving a previous one. In a friendship, maybe you’ve committed to helping them in some way. Whatever it is, they want to wait until your own loyalty and integrity (see my post on Super Traits) are on the line to see if you’ll stick around. Because then if you don’t stay, you have to struggle with your own sense of who you are.

In my case, I had promised to take him to have surgery to remove a plate in his foot. He couldn’t drive home after, and they wouldn’t do the surgery without having a responsible person there waiting for him. There had been no apology and no resolution of this out of place rageful act. But still, I struggled mightily with the fact that I had promised to help. It seemed so small and petty to not keep my word. So I did, although I recall sitting in the waiting room feeling deeply disturbed.

Somehow we sort of got back on track afterwards (even though he never took responsibility), and I have thought about that time a lot during my healing process. As they say, hindsight is 20-20, but I wish I had known what I am sharing with you now–that this was a test to see what I would take, and I passed with flying colors. He knew then, like other abusers, that I would stay even with poor treatment. He could get away with rage and abuse and I would try to make it work.

This is not a stressed out person who just “lost it” and needs love and compassion and loyalty. This is a manipulation tactic. You might want to think of it as a rattlesnake shaking its tail–it’s a warning. And if you ignore it, you may well get bitten. Even if you are, as I was, invested, it’s better to move on because it only tends to get worse–and your sunk costs increase the longer you stay. This is one test you do not want to pass!

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She is uninterested in being tested in any and all situations and has learned to see rattlesnakes for what they are.