As long as you stay focused on each individual tree, you never see the whole entire forest…..
Another evening at the dinner table–our one point in the day of regular connection. I wanted to share something about my day, but was getting little to no uptake from the ex. Once again, I felt deflated and disconnected, but told myself that he had a lot on his mind and was stressed about his business. I retreated to my usual tactic and asked him about his day instead, and filed his lack of interest away as a “one-off.”
Of course, it wasn’t. This lack of interest wasn’t a one-time thing–it was a pattern. It was tree, yes, but that tree made up the forest of our relationship. And it was a forest I could not see.
This wasn’t just my own reluctance to face the pattern in front of me. Toxic people tend to want to keep you focused on each individual issue, defending and justifying their actions and behavior. And if we speak up or push back, we often get accused of making a big deal of something small.
Anyone who’s at all aware of healthy communication knows it’s not a good idea to say “you always” or “you never.” Instead, we’re advised to: a) focus on the immediate presenting issue; b) how we feel about it, using “I” statements. This is great advice if you are dealing with a healthy person who is capable of collaborative communication.
The problem is in applying these rules in a relationship with a narcissist: a) the immediate presenting issue may be a part of a much larger pattern and not such a big deal on its own. If you raise the issue they will generally have an excuse or justification, and/or will accuse you of being petty; and b) a narcissist does not care how you feel about it, they only care whether or not they can get away with it. How you feel can actually become ammunition for them, in that they now know more about what upsets you and will file that away for future abuse.
And so, what to do? Here are my top pieces of advice:
ONE: Ask yourself, is this a pattern? Make notes and review them from time to time. In a toxic relationship a journal can be your best friend, serving as a memory aid to help your brain, especially if you are trauma-bonded. It’s harder to ignore the patterns when they are written down. This can help you make the difficult decision to move on if the forest becomes too oppressive.
TWO: Don’t expect the person to respond to how you feel. Narcissists classically lack empathy and trying to get them to see your side or understand why you are upset generally only sets them off. There is an old saying that goes “Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.” Trying to get a narcissist to have empathy is classic pig teaching.
Narcissists rely on smoke and mirrors to keep us from seeing the dark, scary forests they create. They justify, accuse and defend. But they inevitably show us a pattern of behavior if we keep our eyes open to what is really going on.
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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She now looks for forests made up of beautiful individual trees.
But Now I Know Your Name 