Normal is a setting on a washing machine. ~ Ashley Purdy
Vent/rant: I, for one, am so bloody tired of all the memes, blog posts, podcasts, articles and corporate trainings advising the multitudes about how to live and what to do based on the premise that everyone is interested and capable of engaging with life in a healthy, collaborative way.
“The happiest one is the first to forgive.”
“Examine your life and get rid of those things that don’t spark joy.”
“Be positive and you’ll succeed.”
“Good vibes only.”
“Assume positive intent and share how you feel.”
You know the drill. Simplistic platitudes disguised as wisdom and potentially doing more harm than good. Why? Let’s look at two main groups who may have difficulty with this. One, those who are struggling with mental health issues, trauma, adverse childhood experiences, etc. And two, those who have highly toxic personalities.
In terms of the first group, it’s often a question of ability, not desire. In other words, they may want desperately to live by this advice, thinking it is the right and good way to be, and wondering why it seems so much harder for them to achieve than the rest of the world.
But the impact of things like mental health issues, trauma, and adverse childhood experiences (to name a few challenges) can severely block our ability to “let our attitude determine our altitude,” or let go of things that perhaps don’t spark joy, but maybe make us feel a bit safer. These simplistic platitudes can serve to make their struggles feel even worse, as they wonder why they can’t just change their attitude.
In corporate training, they sometimes come across as negative or shut down. It may not be that they have any desire to derail the process, but perhaps more the case that sharing authentically and/or being open and receptive is too much for their fragile nervous systems.
And for the second group, it’s often more a question of desire, not ability. Highly toxic people with strong narcissistic tendencies don’t tend to see a reason to behave well. Being manipulative, antagonistic, entitled, etc. is their modus operandi and they almost always see no need to change, no matter how severely it is impacting those around them.
In organizations, what I have seen time and time again is that the ones who need to change their attitudes and could benefit the most from training in team building, difficult conversations, emotional intelligence etc., are the ones least interested and least likely to authentically engage in it.
You can put up inspiring posters, bring in the highest paid consultants, do the most elaborate team retreats, provide personality inventories and even 360 reviews and, unless the issue of the toxic personality is directly addressed, it will all too often get you nowhere. Except others in the organization may become more empowered and leave.
By the way, I have seen cases where the problem person themselves is the one spouting the pithy platitudes to the rest of the organization — often as a way to make themselves look more enlightened. They also may engage in development in a surface way, and use participation to boost their own self-image (even though others in the organization see no change). “I went to that personal growth seminar and they couldn’t believe how aware I was. They thought I was a plant!” But as Normal Juster wisely says in the Phantom Tollbooth: “You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do.”
I do want to point out a paradox, and this is for all of us who may find some of these platitudes and memes helpful or inspiring. Of course they aren’t completely wrong, and at certain times in certain spaces may help point the way to a more fulfilling life. But I think there are two factors that need to be in place: one, we can embrace the idea without it feeling like it points to our own failure, and two, the idea is not just window dressing — it informs our behavior and helps us make positive changes.
But with all of this, I think it is important to remember that few of us are normal. Many need much more comprehensive support and care than a “good vibes only” sign, and others, no matter what you do, are just not going to play nicely in the sandbox.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She appreciates the chance to rant on occasion.
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