It was, I thought, a brilliant idea. The ex loved to go on and on about how much he loved and missed his daughter, a recent college graduate who lived across the country. I was planning a big party for his milestone birthday and doing my best to pull out all the stops. What better gift, I thought, than flying her out as a surprise so she could celebrate with us and I could meet her.
The day she arrived, I made an excuse and picked her up at the airport, an hour away. We both giggled as we drove back to Santa Fe, anticipating how blown away he would be. We got home and she hid while I went inside and told him I needed some help bringing things in. He went into the garage and she jumped out saying “Surprise!”
I was watching his face and it was strangely blank. There was no excitement, no appreciation. He simply said “Oh, hi,” and gave her a half-hearted hug. Her presence, which I thought would send him over the moon, had no real impact. And now I know why, you just can’t make a narcissist happy.
But wait, you ask. How can this be? Everything they do is designed to make themselves happy and to increase their own satisfaction, no matter the impact on others. Given how unhappy they make everyone else, can it really be true that they are not actually happy at all?
Well, yeah. Let’s leave aside any spiritual explanations for the time being (such as the idea that whatever you seek with desperation tends to elude you), and just look at this practically. Narcissists have no off switch. They are never satiated. Enough is never enough. As one commentator on Quora succinctly said: “They could have everything they could possibly want, and they’d still want more. They’d still be bored. They would still believe that the grass is greener on the other side.”
I’ve noted before in this blog that the evidence points to narcissists having a disrupted relationship with the neurotransmitter dopamine, which (among other roles it plays in the brain) is part of the reward cycle. They tend to be in constant dopamine-seeking mode, with nothing really satisfying them. This may be because they run low on the neurotransmitter so need more to feel its effect, or because it gets taken up very quickly as it comes into the brain, or both.
Additionally, they seem to be somewhat immune to other biochemical impacts, such as the hormone oxytocin, which helps create feelings of bonding, trust, warmth and contentment. More research needs to be done in this area to determine if they simply lack the receptors for oxytocin, if something is blocking them (for example, we know that testosterone actually blocks oxytocin receptors) or if it is another aspect of their biochemical makeup.
Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to report similar experiences: that the narcissist wasn’t interested in cozy contentment and bonding (oxytocin), but only seemed something approaching “happy” with new, novel and highly stimulating experiences (dopamine). Many narcissists tend to engage in classic dopamine-seeking behavior, such as shopping, gambling, drinking, and having affairs. And they also get “hits” from domination, control, escalating conflict, and making their target feel off-kilter.
I’ve actually thought about that moment in the garage many times, because it was so strange. Was he unexcited (or even mad) because he thought I had positioned myself as the “hero” in the situation by flying her out? Did he think the story of her coming out unexpectedly might upstage him on his birthday? Was he more interested in the idea of his daughter and his stories about her than the daughter herself? Any or all of these could have disrupted his expected dopamine (and the daughter, not being a novel relationship, didn’t provide much herself). Bottom line: no matter what my good intentions were, my actions did not make him happy. And I now know that as a narcissist, he was simply incapable of the emotion.
As writer Marcia Sirota notes, “The truth is that nothing can make a narcissist happy, because their agenda of dominance, exploitation and oppression creates an ever-expanding chasm within their soul.”
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She’s a big fan of the quiet contentment of oxytocin.
But Now I Know Your Name 