The ART of Love

There are three things we need for a truly loving, rewarding and healthy intimate relationship: Attraction, Respect, and Trust. This is the ART of love.

When working in the arena of relational trauma the subject of love comes up all the time. “Do they/did they even love me?” “But I still love them.” “What if I still love them?” etc. And usually, I respond, well, let’s explore what love actually is to you. And I find that mostly they don’t really know. We talk about love all the time, often without stopping to consider what we mean by it, although we do tend to know it is a way we feel. In my experience in relationships, I have some to see that real lasting love in an intimate partnership has the three keystones mentioned above, and that there can be a domino effect in that if one falls, the others are at risk as well.

Here are some thoughts about each one, followed by examples of what can happen when one or more is missing.

ONE: Attraction. We need to feel a certain chemistry, a feeling that the person appeals to us, some excitement and interest in being around them. A sense of “heartfulness” about the relationship, which to me feels like my heart going towards and being open to them. Of course, attraction is often stronger at the beginning of relationships due to the “honeymoon effect” of dopamine, a neurotransmitter which cues us to anticipate a reward. Dopamine is more commonly activated when things are novel and unknown, and doesn’t continue at the same level once we are familiar with the person or situation. In healthy intimate relationships, we tend to transition out of the exciting dopamine stage into the more stable experience of long-term bonding activated by chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin.

But even though the initial “Oh my god they are perfect!” excitement generally wears off, continued attraction is still an important part of a love relationship. If it dies off completely, it’s hard to sustain an intimate partnership because the romantic aspect is missing. In my own experience, attraction is also tied to the other two keystones in that when they are strong it tends to sustain attraction, and when they are not, attraction often dies.

TWO: Respect. We need to respect our partner, to feel a certain admiration for their abilities, actions, values, qualities, and/or achievements. Obviously it’s not about the partner needing to be a famous rock star (or whatever). It’s about how they show up in the world and the choices they make. When we think about them, see them in the world, or watch them at a gathering, do we feel a sense of pride in being associated with them, or do we feel we need to somehow apologize for them? (All too often I have heard targets of abuse say things like “Oh they’re not like that when we are alone.”) Ultimately, respect is about whether or not we like and admire them as a person. And to me, the lack of respect is a huge attraction killer (see Maria’s story below).

THREE: Trust. Fundamentally, we need to feel safe. This is of course, not just physical safety (although of course absolutely critical), but emotional as well. We need to feel we can say difficult things and be heard, that our reasonable requests will be taken seriously, and that the other person will show up for us and the relationship even when it is hard. We need to feel that promises will be kept between us, and fundamentally, that we have solid ground to stand on. If we feel we need to “walk on eggshells” that is a classic sign we don’t have a relationship of trust. Not knowing where we stand or that we are ok is also a classic attraction killer over time, although for some of us, it may actually heighten our interest for a while due to the power of intermittent reinforcement. (Also see Why Narcissists Mess With Our Core Need to Trust.)

Lack of Trust, My Own Story: I truly respected the work this person was doing in the world, I extended trust (because that’s what I tend to do), and I found him attractive. Early on in the relationship, I expressed a need for more connection, and was soundly rebuffed. In fact, after a wonderful first 3 months, he broke up with me. We were apart for six weeks and then he reached out again to reconnect. I was young and still “in love” with him, so I jumped at the chance. But I now see that this incident made me lose trust in my role in the relationship and right to ask for what I wanted and needed. I married this man, but never felt I could fully trust his emotional state and treatment of me, as he was often angry and unpleasant, and took his stress out on me. For most of the time we were together, I did respect him, but as the trust waned, so did the attraction.

Lack of Respect, Maria’s Story: Maria had been involved with a malignant narcissist for 10 years who devalued, demeaned, and controlled her. Once she was out of that relationship and had done a great deal of healing, she was interested in having another relationship but was cautious to date again. When she met Rachel in a meditation group, Maria went very slowly and waited to fully extend trust. But Rachel showed again and again that she was kind, would not hurt her, kept her promises, and was overall a really good person. Maria felt relieved to be able to trust someone, and at first there was also respect and attraction.

But after they had been dating for a few months, Rachel lost her job as a school counselor and made little effort to find a new one. The strong person Maria met who was interesting and involved in the community turned into a self-involved person who was full of excuses as to why she couldn’t find a job. Maria had a lot of compassion at first, but after a year of this (Rachel was living off a small inheritance) with no sign of change, Maria realized that even though she continued to trust Rachel, her respect had died, and with it, any attraction.

Lack of Both Trust and Respect, David’s Story: David and Kira were drawn together immediately with a powerful attraction David describes as magnetic. Even after five years of marriage they had a wonderful sex life and he continued to feel chemistry with her. At first, David also respected Kira’s attempts to start a new business and (as we do) trusted everything she told him. But soon after they were married he began to see a different side of his wife. He noticed that some of her descriptions of her past didn’t seem to add up, she went from being kind and patient to dismissive and demeaning, and she began to leave the house for long periods with only vague explanations for where she was. When he wanted to talk about his day, she was “busy,” but when she wanted to talk about hers, he needed to pay rapt attention or pay the price of her anger.

Over time, her so-called “business” made little progress and, despite her grandiose promises and projections, brought in next to no revenue. David felt more and more alone unless they were in bed, but couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong. He now says he realizes his trust and respect were both eroding, and it was attraction alone keeping him in the relationship and causing him to forgive her time after time. One day a friend mentioned that they thought Kira might be somewhat narcissistic. David wasn’t familiar with narcissism, so decided to do some internet searching. As he looked into it, he saw that Kira met the descriptions all too well, and he was experiencing the same impact that other targets had shared. This was enough for him to begin the difficult process of extricating himself from the relationship. “Knowing her narcissism was probably at the core of ‘our’ problems also killed any attraction I still had,” he now says.

Lack of Attraction, Pat’s Story: Pat met a nice person who was kind and reliable. Pat felt they were the balm to the spirit they’d been longing for after a series of dramatic and toxic relationships with untrustworthy people. Pat respected this person and trusted them deeply as well, but even early on, there was little passion between them. Rather, the relationship felt like a comfortable old shoe, safe and predictable. Sex was at first intermittent, and then slowly disappeared. Pat began to wonder if they themselves had lost all libido and if this was all the future held — a passionless yet secure connection with another person. As Pat pondered this, they realized that in order to feel safe, they had neglected a critical aspect of intimate partnership, the feeling of true attraction.

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Some final thoughts: I have been thinking about the ART of love and realizing how critical all three aspects are to a powerful intimate relationship. I myself have unconsciously let go of one or more too many times, thinking that “love” was worth it, without seeing that all three is what we all truly want and need.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She is no longer willing to have an ART-less relationship.

Weathering

it’s not one thing
she told me
I could get over that
I understand when
taken alone
each act of dismissal
and disconnection
might be excused
or understood

it’s the relentless
pounding
of waves of unkindness
against the bulwark of my soul
that weathers me
that wears me down
that makes it hard to face the day

I came into this relationship
hopeful and bright
she said
ready to join with another
in wholeness
and – silly me –
assumed I would be met
with care

but I am worn and tired
and wondering if I can manage
yet another blast of cruelty
against my tender heart

and then she explained
the strong do not become fragile
all at once
it takes an onslaught
over time
to break our spirits
and bring us low

and so I held her hand
and listened
and understood
and said
perhaps the buffer we need most
is each other
let me stand with you
in whatever storm
will come

~Ann Betz

Your Strategy Doesn’t Have to be Your Destiny

Children are not things to be molded, but are people to be unfolded.
~ Jess Lair

All children need to figure out how to get the attention and approval needed to survive. Some families are perhaps better at letting children “unfold” into who they naturally are, but many of us instead learned adaptive strategies to get by in our families of origin. In my coaching practice, as people are unpacking and detangling early patterns which no longer serve them, it’s always clear to me that, as I like to say, they come by it honestly. That is, however they are habitually responding was at some point important for their very survival. It’s not random.

Here are three classic adaptive strategies I’ve seen from those raised in toxic families. See if any resonate with you (and some of us relate to more than one):

The Little Adult — This is a common strategy taken on by some children raised in chaotic and/or narcissistic families. Being the one who listens, understands, finds car keys, makes mac and cheese for the younger children, even sometimes deals with school, bills, etc., can be a successful way to feel valuable and important in the family. But good parents don’t expect, encourage, or allow this, because they know that no matter how mature a young child seems to be, a) they aren’t really able to manage complex emotional/logistical demands without it causing undue stress; and b) children need to be allowed to be children in order for them to develop in healthy ways. Encouraging the Little Adult is narcissistic on the part of the parent as it flips the appropriate family roles and “parentifies” the child for the parent’s gain.

Often the Little Adult in a family system becomes the “Golden Child” who is the parent’s favorite. Why wouldn’t they be? They’ve learned that their job is to focus on stabilizing the family and having no real needs of their own. In adulthood, this adaptive strategy often plays out with the person having difficulty speaking up in relationships, preferring to be the helper and having few needs of their own (the truth is, they have needs like all of us, but the person can find them difficult to recognize, much less verbalize), and sometimes finding chaos and dependency interesting and attractive.

The Rebel Fighter — This is a strategy designed to get seen and heard in a toxic family system, often one ruled by a narcissistic parent who is taking up all the air in the room. The Rebel Fighter acts out, can be overly dramatic, and tends to push back on rules and restrictions. They do get attention this way, which is critical to survival even if it isn’t positive attention. The worst thing is to feel that you don’t exist, so the Rebel Fighter figures out they will be seen if they fight for it.

Often the Rebel Fighter becomes the “Scapegoat” in the toxic family system, blamed for all the problems and issues. In adulthood, this adaptive strategy can play out in resisting any rules or restrictions, creating chaos and drama, and feeling that people who treat you well are dull and boring.

The Invisible One — This is a strategy designed to fly under the radar and simply not be hurt. The desperate hope of the Invisible One is “please please just ignore me and go away.” Children often take on this strategy in physically and/or emotionally violent homes. As much as we need attention to survive, sometimes that attention is so damaging the child figures it’s better just to disappear as much as possible. In other words, don’t draw their fire, and maybe it will all be ok.

The Invisible One is the “Ignored Child” in the family system, and many middle children take on this role (although it is definitely not theirs exclusively). In adulthood, this adaptive strategy can play out in the person being very uncomfortable being noticed, taking charge, or (similar to the Little Adult) not knowing or being able to express any of their own needs. I have also often seen simmering anger just below the surface in the adult Invisible One. Nothing is worse than feeling that somehow, in order to survive you had to pretend you didn’t exist at all.

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And so, what do I mean by your strategy doesn’t have to be your destiny? When we understand that we adopted a way of being in order to survive, it can be the beginning of untangling ourselves from what can feel like our character or personality. We can ask ourselves instead, how might we unfold as people if we recognize the adaptive strategies for what they are? That is, not our personality, but how we survived. A trained coach or therapist can help immensely, supporting the process of discovering what we value, what we like, what works for us, what boundaries we need, and who we actually are when we don’t have to compromise, fight or disappear in order to survive.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She herself identifies with both the Little Adult and the Rebel Fighter.

How We Impact Each Other Energetically

I think a lot about what I call our energy fields and how they interact. And being involved with a highly narcissistic person made me question what I had previously held to be true, that love, or a “higher vibration” will eventually shift everything. I saw that perhaps it is more complex and paradoxical. Here’s my current thinking.

On the One Hand

As we increase in awareness, we increase in empathy and sensitivity so energy fields affect us more strongly and quickly. We become more permeable, a more finely tuned instrument. This means both positive and negative energy has a greater impact on our own field.

At the same time, we may also develop a greater ability to recover to our hearts more fully and more quickly, even when in a negative or toxic energy field. This is because we strengthen our “observer mind,” the ability to notice our emotions but not act from or be ruled by them.

We can also develop greater ability to discern which situations and groups will be life-affirming and which will not be, as well as the courage, integrity and intention to surround ourselves with life-affirming energy. In other words, we learn to develop a zero-tolerance policy for toxicity.

On the Other Hand

While becoming a more finely tuned instrument is helpful in terms of being attuned and clued in to the people around us, it can also be difficult to manage when everything is setting our needle off (often more so than others). We often see and feel the “elephant in the room” more clearly and feel the difficult energy from dysregulated people more viscerally and powerfully.

We also need to note here that darkness is often attracted to light. The clearer and brighter our own energy field, the more we may attract those who want to use and even abuse some of our best qualities. Research on the qualities of women who find themselves involved with psychopaths shows that most of them score much higher than average on tests of empathy, kindness, and conscientiousness. This is why the zero-tolerance policy becomes more and more critical as we evolve.

And Finally

In my opinion, it’s no more enlightened to take responsibility for everything than it is to take responsibility for nothing. There’s a role in learning to hold the paradox of both. Yes, we play a role, but no matter how wonderful, committed and loving we are, we can’t necessarily shift the other person and create the relationship on our own. They play a role as well, and most of us need to learn to assign responsibility where it belongs rather than taking it all on ourselves.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and assigning responsibility where it belongs.

Three Things I Learned From Trying to Love a Narcissist

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. ~ Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard

It’s late 2018 and I’ve been with the X for going on two years. I’ve been trying my best to build a connected, loving relationship with him but nothing is working, and I’m slowly feeling worse and worse. And there I am, like most of us, simply living my life forwards. Taking each crappy day as it comes, and pretty much unable to put the pieces together as I do.

But over a couple of months, a few things happen. One, my best friend finally tells me what she sees about him. Two, I come to the end of my rope, feeling I have honestly tried everything I can to resolve things positively. And three, Google comes to the rescue when one night, in desperation, I search for “Can you be a victim and still be a narcissist?” and get hundreds of hits. (It’s called Covert Narcissism and is weirdly common.) And at that point, I stop “living forward,” at least in terms of trying to love this man. I painfully extricate myself from the relationship and ultimately get legal help to get my house back from him. (Full story here.)

There’s been so much learning in this whole process. I’ve even come to see that I can hold the paradox of being weirdly grateful for the experience while also doing my level best to help others process and even avoid it for themselves. And now that I’ve had over four years to understand this part of my life backwards, here are maybe the top three things I’ve learned that feel like important advice to share:

ONE: You can get out of it, you can move on, you can heal. It may feel hopeless, it may feel like it will never end, it may feel like there is no good way forward, but you CAN. There were so many times I felt stuck, trapped, and paralyzed. To be honest, there was a year I basically did nothing to deal with our legal issues. Some of this was because of his extreme nastiness and bullying every time I tried to resolve things, and some of it was the impact of the cumulative abuse on my nervous system, which simply needed some time away from him to reset itself.

But there came a point where I felt strong enough to go forward and I also realized I couldn’t stay in a holding pattern forever, as much as I might want to. I thought to myself, well, one step at a time. If it takes a year — or even more — oh well. I realized that a year passes no matter what, and if I did try to move forward things would have to get better at some point. And they did. It wasn’t a fun process, but I did get my house back and him truly out of my life. Which then made it possible to focus on my own healing. And so, I learned that as hard as it feels, and as long as it takes, you CAN move on. And you can heal.

TWO: With highly toxic people, our own love isn’t enough. Ouch. I had thought for so long that if relationships didn’t work it was because I somehow failed to love enough. If I could just bring more forgiveness, more understanding, more patience, more kindness, it would work. I thought this was probably the spiritual lesson for me — that I needed to find new depths of love. To come to face the fact that it was not my sole responsibility to “love someone enough” was a tough lesson, but ultimately freeing. So no, your lesson isn’t to love them harder. It’s actually to love yourself more.

THREE: It can happen to anyone. I don’t mean to sound self-aggrandizing, but I met this clown at age 53, as a professional coach with 16 years’ experience, as well as an acknowledged neuroscience expert and international speaker and trainer. I had also been a serious spiritual student since my late teens. I thought I knew about humans and personal development. None of this helped me recognize and avoid this man — because I did not know about narcissism and I did not realize I was being conned.

I use a mask on my home page for this blog because it’s such a great visual for who these people are. Con artists. Scammers. Liars. Etc. So if you, like me, extended love and care based on who they pretended to be, well, that’s the con. And you’re not bad, wrong, or stupid for falling for it, because this type of person has devoted their life to being a master of deception.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and honesty.

How do We Move Past Narcissism as a Society? Stop Individual Lionization

We tend to associate entire fields of study with a great man (rarely with a great woman). This man is pictured as having seen beyond the narrow mind-set and ethos of his era. He recognizes the limitations of his community’s way of thinking and single-handedly develops a new paradigm that comes to revolutionize society by virtue of his staggering intelligence. ~ Sloman and Fernbach, The Knowledge Illusion, Why We Never Think Alone.

The thing about this? As the authors note, it’s a myth (and the book is a fabulous read). No matter how stellar and notable the individual effort is, it is not what actually moves us forward and creates new paradigms or amazing achievements. But again and again, we tend to ascribe various “wins” to one individual. So-and-so invented xyz, this person was the best actor, director, designer, insert big name here deserves the famous award for their accomplishment.

In reality, rarely if ever are significant achievements due to individual effort. Rather, we are humanly designed to think and create collaboratively and solve problems with more than one individual brain. We are smarter when we “extend our minds” past our own personal abilities — and all great accomplishments reflect this. No one person got us to the moon or made The Sound of Music.

Work by both philosophers and neuroscientists is pointing us towards the power of this “extended mind theory.” Research finds that memory, reasoning, decision-making and other higher-level functions take place most effectively across people, and are limited within people. There is even an emerging area of neuroscience exploring the brains (through fMRI or EEG technology) of more than one person at a time to see how we impact each other.

So what does this mean in terms of narcissism? I believe it flourishes in a society living in the myth that individual achievement is the be-all and end-all, and would have to wilt if we focused more on the group’s achievement as paramount. And I don’t think this is a complete pipe dream. Research by Google (see Project Aristotle) found that the most effective teams were those who demonstrated “psychological safety” and a balance of team member participation. It wasn’t about the superstar — it was about the team dynamic. And in an article reporting on this project, the New York Times noted that “As commerce becomes increasingly global and complex, the bulk of modern work is more and more team-based.”

Narcissists, on the other hand, need to be the one, the star, the top of the heap. And the myth of individual achievement means that they are hired, rewarded and tolerated as being critical to their organizations, institutes, and fields. But in a world that acknowledges, values, and rewards the power of the group, we’d begin to see that they are a) not generally able to work well as team members, and b) tend to disrupt the psychological safety and distributed participation that makes groups great.

I know that personally, any time I hear about the “great man” (or rarely, great woman) who “did” this or that, I have begun to wonder who else was involved. Who contributed but was not named? Who washed the beakers in the lab and had a cool insight they shared while doing so? Who tended the children at home so that the person had clear mental space and also probably listened and helped them clarify their thoughts? And so on, and so on.

We simply don’t think, create or accomplish alone. We need each other, and narcissists will never understand this, even as they benefit from it.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and thinking with other people. This post is dedicated to her favorite thinking partner and buddy of over 20 years, the brilliant Ursula Pottinga.

Another Reason Narcissists Like to Lie — it’s More Fun

Bottom line: lying generally requires greater effort by the prefrontal cortex* than telling the truth does. This actually makes it stimulating and even more fun for the narcissist.

Anyone who’s been involved with a narcissist knows that they often have a somewhat casual relationship with the truth. Many (if not most) lie with impunity, and often so convincingly that our own sense of reality can feel like we’re standing on shifting sands. What is, in fact, real from what they are telling us?

There are many reasons that narcissists lie. To manipulate, to gaslight, to control, to avoid responsibility, to get attention, etc. (See this post for more on the narcissist and lying.) But one we often don’t consider is that it is fun for them.

In my own case, I have to confess I believed everything he told me. Why wouldn’t I? He was my partner, my soul-mate. Now, of course I know that people lie. In fact, research shows that human beings tend to cook up stories a couple of times a day. But serious deception in a personal relationship was simply not what I was counting on.

At some point after I left and was deep in my healing process, I found myself pondering something he had told me and realizing in that moment, that it was probably a lie. Not to be too cliched here, but it was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. All of a sudden I could see. Why was I taking what he had said as true? Wasn’t it much more likely that a large percentage of it were lies?

But why did he lie to me? For all the reasons above and — because it was more fun. Narcissists appear to have a disrupted relationship to the neurotransmitter dopamine, which cues us to what is rewarding and worth our attention. More research need to be done in this area, but the cues point to that they tend to be constantly seeking dopamine-inducing experiences. This may explain why there is so much “co-morbidity” for narcissists — that is, other issues such as addiction. They need more and/or more constant dopamine than non-narcissists in order to feel stimulated and alive.

Lying requires greater effort by the prefrontal cortex (PFC) than telling the truth, and things that add stimulation to our PFCs generate neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine (adrenaline). By the way, this is true for both narcissists and non-narcissists, and is why, for most of us lying feels stressful and we don’t really tend to enjoy it. But for a personality type that is low on dopamine, a nice juicy lie can spice things up and make life more interesting.

Ah yes, the more you know……

*See https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-art-of-lying/

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and telling the truth.

When is it Time to Focus on YOU?

It’s typical to spend our time and energy trying to figure out the narcissist, but at some point, we also need to focus on ourselves.

So first of all, no shade if you have found yourself down the endless rabbit hole of wondering WTF the narcissist is/was (and ever shall be) doing, thinking, and believing. Since they don’t follow the typical rules of human interaction, they can be confusing creatures indeed. And I believe that some degree of understanding the patterns and tendencies is empowering because it helps us depersonalize the treatment when we can see that well, it’s pretty much just what they all do.

But let’s also look at the impact these relationships have on us personally. The impact of being devalued, raged at, neglected, manipulated, gaslighted, and so on, is not to be underestimated. A metaphor might be that in narcissistic relationships we are plants deprived of water and sun. No matter what the reason, we need to get nourished again so we can thrive.

Good to know what sort of person does this so we can deal with them in the present and avoid them in the future. So please, spend the time you need making sense of things. Read the books, watch the videos, follow my blog :). But also, give yourself water, light and care so you can grow in your own life.

To mix my metaphors, I think of healing from narcissistic abuse as a three-pronged stool. One leg is understanding what this is, what narcissists tend to do so we can see our treatment as undeserved, unfair and not our fault in any way. One leg is understanding our own patterns and history so we can bring into awareness what needs to be loved and healed. And one leg is building strength in ourselves so we become taller and stronger than we ever have been before. When we combine all three, the healing is profound.

As always, I feel compelled to mention that a qualified (that is, trained in narcissistic abuse) therapist or coach can be of tremendous help with all three.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and giving herself water and light.

Being Mad Doesn’t Mean You’re Bad

Often those of us who have experienced neglect and abuse have a really complex relationship with anger (actually, most people do, but that’s another story). One, we may have experienced a parent, partner or authority figure use their anger to intimidate and manipulate us, creating an association between anger and being a really crappy sort of person. Two, we may have experienced the same person or people being very dysregulated and unable to control their anger, creating genuinely terrifying situations where we learn to do anything to appease them and make things ok again.

And three, we have probably rarely been able to know, experience or find the right way to express our own legitimate anger. In fact, in toxic relationships our own legitimate anger (from being betrayed, devalued, gaslit, insulted, and manipulated) is all too often used against us. When we express feelings of frustration or “clap back” we are told we are the problem. “There you go again, you really need to learn how to deal with your anger.” (See Is It Fighting or is it Abuse? for more on this.) Some of us simply shut down and others may find themselves blowing up.

In our relational trauma coach training program it has become clear to us that finding our anger and learning to include it is critical to healing. We use the metaphor of a “speed limit”* in terms of anger as a way to help people see that anger is a) a real, legitimate human experience, and b) does not have to be out of control terrifying rage. Like all emotions, it tells us something, often that a boundary has been violated or there is something happening that is not ok. And it needs to move, but at a manageable speed.

As the students share this with clients, there are some classic responses. One is that in terms of having an anger speed limit, targets of narcissistic abuse often say things like “Speed limit? Hah! I’m not even on the road, I’m still in the driveway!” The other is that they begin to realize that, in the words of the title of this blog, being mad doesn’t mean they are bad.

Here are some questions we can explore to help work with anger at a speed that feels right:

ONE: What speed are you generally at when you need to communicate something with an emotional charge? How does that feel?

TWO: When you are angry and you go overly slowly and carefully, just barely putting along, how does that feel?

THREE: When you are angry and you go full out (100 MPH/160 KPH), no holding back, how does that feel?

FOUR: In most situations, for you, what feels like the right “speed limit?” That is, going at an appropriate, controlled and yet moving along speed? How does that feel?

FIVE: Where in your life do you need to speed up or slow down?

There is more and more evidence that suppressing emotions is bad for both one’s physical and mental health. Learning to a) recognize anger as one of our legitimate human emotions and b) find our own moving-forward-but-still-in-control speed limit of expression are important aspects of the healing journey. Don’t let crappy people in your present or past steal your anger from you — it lives alongside your passion and your joy.

*I think I originally got the speed limit metaphor from Josh Sommers Flanagan in this blog: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2016/12/11/the-sweet-spot-of-self-control/

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and appropriate speed limits.

Will I Ever Stop Thinking About the Narcissist? A Story in Five Chapters.

The other day, I saw a post in a FB group about covert narcissism where the person asked “It’s been three months and I am constantly ruminating over what happened. Will I ever stop thinking about him?” And I remembered what that felt like — as well as how the story unfolded for me personally with time and healing work. (Note — I put in my own rough time stamps, but I don’t mean these to be right or wrong or what anyone else should or does experience, just how it was for me.)

Chapter One (Early Days)

I think about X constantly, but not in a new love starry-eyed way. Instead, I obsess over how on earth I could have gotten myself into this. How could I have not seen him for who he was, ignoring his maltreatment and moods? How could I have become so much less of who I am? It feels like I’ve ended up in a Lifetime movie and I don’t know how to get out.

Chapter Two (Roughly the First Year Out)

I think about X often, like a sore tooth I just can’t leave alone. I find my attention wandering to memories of his outrageous behavior and beliefs. My body reacts to anything reminding me of him, and it feels like if I don’t tell you the story you won’t know who I am.

Chapter Three (Year Two-ish Post Leaving)

I think about X from time to time. Many things bring him to mind, but there is more and more room for the rest of my life now, and I can go whole days without memories intruding. It feels like I am disentangling and am no longer buried beneath the experience.

Chapter Four (Year Three Out)

I rarely think about X. It’s been a few of years since I left, with a lot of healing work in that time. He no longer intrudes into my thoughts unbidden, and my body is usually calm when I do remember this part of my past. I can call memories to mind in order to unpack them without feeling distress. It feels like I am in the ongoing process of integrating the experience.

Chapter Five (Year Four and On)

I think about X when I need to write about narcissistic behavior. I search my memory banks for examples of love bombing, gaslighting, bread-crumbing, devaluing, neglect, grandiosity and more. I am fascinated by how distinctly he follows the classic patterns of the disorder. In the process, it feels like I am able to make more and more sense of what happened to me and why.

And through it all, I realize again and again, that things can be integrated, understood, and even transcended, and I am grateful.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and the healing power of time (and effort).