When the Narcissist Ignores Your Boundaries

Anyone who has ever dealt with a narcissist in any context (family, work, intimate relationship) knows that boundaries are essential. But what about when your boundaries are simply ignored?

I live out in the country on a few acres. I have lovely neighbors and it’s my sanctuary. Recently I was out for a walk along the road and I noticed that someone had been using a part of my property as a turnaround (rather than driving the equivalent of half a city block to the cul-de-sac at end of the road where it is easy — and logical — to turn around). It’s sort of an open space, but I was not happy to see tire tracks on the dirt and small plants run over.

Hmm, I thought, maybe they don’t realize this is not part of the road. So I moved some small rocks to mark the edge of my property and make it clear it’s not a place to drive upon. The next morning, it’s clear someone has driven right over the rocks, ignoring my simple boundary. I’m really mad now. I find a local guy who has large rocks on his truck and arrange for him to come up to my house. These rocks are heavy and we have to drop them off the truck bed in just the right place because they’re really hard to move. “That’ll do it!” I think with satisfaction. Nope. The next morning one of the large rocks has been pushed aside and my land driven onto once again (must be a big truck).

I’m furious at this point. It takes me 10 minutes to move the rock back into place and I am steaming and wondering what the heck it is I need to do to make it clear I will NOT tolerate them driving here. I go to the hardware store and get No Trespassing and a This Property is Under 24-Hour Surveillance signs, metal posts, and 12 pieces of short rebar. I put up the signs, reinforce the rocks with the metal posts so they are hard to move, and randomly pound in short pieces of rebar along the tire tracks (I mark these with empty wine bottles so it’s clear something is there). It looks ridiculous, but it works. My land, thus defended, is undisturbed.

I was so caught up in this mini-drama while it was going on that it took me a while to realize it’s the perfect metaphor for setting boundaries with a toxic person.

ONE: Small Rocks — marking the boundary in case they didn’t realize what they were doing. For normal people, this usually works just fine. We say something along the lines of “Hey, I don’t like it when you tease me,” and the person says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and they stop. Narcissists, on the other hand, will generally just drive right over our “small rocks.” They simply brush it aside or ignore it, and then continue any behavior that suits them. My first husband had a nasty habit of grabbing me in sensitive areas when I was busy doing other things. It really bothered me but saying “please don’t do that” was like talking to the wall. No impact whatsoever.

TWO: Bringing in the Heavy Rocks — making sure the boundary is crystal clear and distinct. In my experience, when I have taken a firmer stand, narcissists fight back. They like to make the boundary seem like a failing on your part, a lack of generosity, and/or an over-sensitivity. Instead of honoring your request, they’ll use it to insult and devalue you. (See my posts on DARVO and gaslighting.) When I escalated my “don’t grab me” boundary to an unavoidable volume and clarity, my ex immediately snarled that I was uptight, no fun, cold, and frigid. (And notably, he then switched to stealth attacks, which were even worse.)

THREE: Barricades — making it impossible to pass the boundary. Alas, this is often the only strategy that actually works with highly toxic people. They’ll drive right over anything else, so the only way is to make the path impassible. Generally, the best way to do this is to remove ourselves (or them) from the situation. (You can’t grab me if I no longer live with you.) Other methods are to make sure there is a consequence that means something to them such as losing their job, humiliation by calling them out publicly when they do something you have asked them not to, and involving others including higher-ups or even law enforcement if necessary.

None of these ideas are easy or without consequences of their own when dealing with a narcissist. Making it impossible to cross our boundaries is infuriating to them, because we’ve taken away their ability to mess with us, which is a form of “supply” and entertainment. And I would say tread cautiously with an infuriated narcissist. But just like the person who was driving on my land, some people just won’t listen — and so the only answer is to bar the way.

Three Lesser-Known Ways You Can Be Love Bombed

One of the things we all tend to hear about right away as we explore narcissism and narcissistic abuse is the classic pattern commonly known as “love bombing.” One person I know was flown to another city for dinner on the first date. Another was showered with flowers and expensive jewelry during the first six weeks of dating. And another was put so high up on a pedestal, as she puts it, “I was afraid to move.” He told her she was the most beautiful, perfect women he had ever seen, and she felt she had to live up to that at all times. “I used to set my alarm 15 minutes before he got up so I could run to the bathroom and put some make-up on. God forbid he saw me without!”

You get the picture — classic love-bombing is often over the top and intense, the stuff fairy tales and rom coms are made of. And this sort of attention sets the target up for a trauma bond, in that we have this initial wonderful treatment imprinted as what the relationship really “is.” Then when it inevitably falls off (no narcissist continues this sort of behavior indefinitely — it’s just a strategy to lure you in), we tend to a) hold the new, less kind treatment as an aberration, and b) move heaven and earth to try to get back to where we feel it “should be.”

Although love bombing is generally thought of a tactic used at the beginning of relationships to reel the target in, it’s also the tactic they us to get us back if we start to drift away, try to end things or actually leave the relationship. “Wait!” the narcissist thinks. “I want that fish after all, let me bait the hook with something I know works.”

So let’s take a look at some of the ways we get love bombed that may not be as obvious as trips to Paris and dozens of roses. Sometimes, the narcissist employs other, much more subtle strategies that are just as compelling and addictive, but which we may not recognize as easily as love bombing.

ONE: Subtle insinuation that this relationship is fated, meant to me, a soul mate connection, and so on. This is actually my own example. I met the X when I was in my mid-50s. At that stage of life, I was not particularly susceptible to or interested in over the top compliments, gifts, etc. He either sensed this or simply couldn’t be bothered to try harder. (He certainly didn’t have the money to sweep me off my feet anyway.) Instead, early on he would just slip in comments like being together felt so “obvious,” that this relationship was so synchronistic it must be “meant to be,” and on the second date that he wanted to “take care of me forever.” It was always done fairly casually without fanfare, and it really sucked me in and made me feel that I had finally found a good one.

As things got harder and I considered leaving, this sense that we were “fated” often gave me pause. Maybe this was just how it was with a soul mate. If he saw us this way, who was I to doubt the rightness of things? Who was I to give up?

TWO: Attention and interest. For those of us coming from neglectful families or neglectful previous relationships, someone simply tuning in to you and listening can feel like the best thing ever. In a healthy relationship, attention is a give and take and partners are naturally interested in each other. However, watch out, because while a narcissist will often start out being fascinated by you, this can be because a) they are love bombing by making you feel important and b) (even worse) they are storing up information to use against you later.

This is an easy one for the narcissist to quickly reactivate when need be. Typically, once the novelty of you has worn off (and it always does), they’ll withdraw attention and send it elsewhere to something or someone newer and therefor more interesting. But if you become distant, go on to do your own thing, or (god forbid) ignore them as well, you will find they amp up the attention. This might be positive, such as acknowledging they have been “busy” and offering to take you out. Or it could be negative, such as accusations, projections, or picking a fight. The narcissist actually doesn’t care that much. They just want to get you invested again and responding to them.

THREE: “Fauwareness.” That stands for Faux Awareness, a favorite strategy of the spiritual and communal narcissist. In the beginning, the narcissist presents themselves as very aware, even above it all, and “enlightened.” They say the right things, they exude a Buddha-like calm and acceptance, they seem unhookable and at peace. The target wonders how they ever got so lucky as to meet and be involved such a being! Wow! (This is a mask that slips fairly quickly, by the way, as life has its annoyances and narcissists more than most people have trouble emotionally regulating.) When things get difficult in the relationship, the narcissist may, after much processing and patient listening on your part, have an “insight” or “realization.” You as the target think, good, now we are getting somewhere. But no, sorry, you’re not. It’s only fauwareness.

How do you tell the difference between this and a real insight? Real insights and awareness drive real behavior change. Fauwareness is pretty much just to get you off their back and keep you hooked in. We tend to take this as evidence of their “true being,” and it can be both hopeful and captivating. But pretty much always with narcissists, you won’t see any lasting behavior change come out of it. Sorry to say, it’s a strategy to facilitate what they want.

Bottom line is, we can all be loved bombed without knowing it, and a clever narcissist will figure out just what you most crave. Is it gifts and experiences? Or the belief in soul mates and fate? Do you just love someone who shows interest in you? Or do you swoon over a person who seems to be spiritually aware? Whatever it is, you can bet the narcissist will figure it out and use it to get you and keep you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She is hoping to never fall for love bombing of any sort again.

When the Narcissist Expects You to be Their Emotional Support Animal

Once again, my ex was furious and directing it at me. Something had gone wrong with the house and he was angry and annoyed. I asked what I could do to help, knowing he was relying on me to somehow make it better. “Don’t ask me that, you don’t mean it,” he growled with barely controlled rage. For the first time in this dynamic, instead of apologizing and assuring him I did want to do something and trying my hardest to make him feel better, I actually took a beat (and a breath) and realized I was done being his emotional punching bag. Instead I said, “I did not do this. I am not the source of your anger. I did nothing wrong. If I do something to you, you can be angry with me. Otherwise, this stops.”

Narcissists are notorious for not being able to emotionally regulate.* Their uncontrolled (and often unexpected) rages, bad moods and blame are a big part of why targets all too often feel they need to walk on eggshells around the narcissist. Many targets attempt to de-escalate the situation by taking on more than their share of responsibility, apologizing, and doing their very best to anticipate and avoid things that set the narcissist off. This is a strategy that is imperfect at best, but at least it is something.

But what about the things that set the narcissist off outside of the relationship? Work stress, house and car breakdowns, issues with the children, and basically the whole world and its many complications and annoyances? While obviously you can’t control those, many narcissists expect that you will do your best to help with the situation, talk them down, provide comfort, and overall sooth their distress.

In other words, be their emotional support animal.

Now, I myself am a big fan of emotional support animals — that is, in animal form. They can help so much with things like PTSD, anxiety, and depression, as well as many other physical and psychological issues. And many dogs, cats, horses (just to name a few) have an energy, what we might think of as a purpose, to help people (and even other animals) feel better and regulate their bodies and emotions. (I have to mention here that there is a growing community of folks who work with horses in both coaching and leadership as well. Awesome stuff.)

It’s also important to note that there is of course a healthy leaning in to each other for support. It is natural and human to reach out to one another when we are stressed or upset. But when a person feels that it is somehow your job to regulate them (and this is not particularly reciprocal), then you are being asked to be their emotional support person and this is not fair or healthy. Good relationships don’t involve one person being the other’s on-call therapist / coach / security blanket.

Most narcissists also reject the idea of them seeking outside help, such as therapy or coaching. After all, that’s your job. And this is the crux of how they see you–in relationship to them, not as a person with your own needs, ideas, accomplishments and goals.

And so, if you feel like your relationship requires you to be the one to keep your partner regulated and on track, you may be dealing with someone on the narcissism continuum — especially if they get angry when you ask them to get some outside help. You are not here to be someone’s emotional support animal. You are here to pursue your life and make it shine.

*There is some evidence that those with high trait narcissism may carry a genetic modification that impacts serotonin (the MAOA-L gene, also called the “warrior gene”). One of the functions of serotonin is to help modulate strong emotions. Those with this gene don’t get the same serotonin response and thus have a much harder time recovering from stressful events. This manifests as rage, obsession with revenge, and an overall disregulated personality. Almost all (maybe all) psychopaths have the warrior gene, but research shows it is also prevalent in high trait narcissism.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She has a bunch of emotional support cats but likes her human relationships to be much more reciprocal.

Why Narcissists Can be Compelling

At a time when many of us feel uncertain (about the world, about our leaders, about ourselves), a narcissist’s projection of certainty can feel admirable.

Few of us are as seemingly confident as a classic narcissist, particularly of the overt type. Where we may question and doubt ourselves, wondering if we are doing the right thing and pondering if what we said came across how we meant it, they typically stroll forward in the world projecting that they, for one, have it all figured out. If someone doesn’t get it, doesn’t agree, or doesn’t understand them, well then, that’s their problem. Because the persona the narcissist projects is perfection itself. Nothing wrong with me!

This, my friends, is one of the many complex reasons people join cults (although as others have said, almost no one joins a cult, they join what looks like a good thing), all of which are run by narcissists. If we ourselves find the answers elusive, with the ground beneath us like shifting sand, and someone comes along convincingly saying “here is the way, just do what I say,” it can feel comforting.

It’s also a reason narcissists end up in leadership (and the C-suite in particular) to a greater degree than non-narcissists. Unfortunately, projecting tremendous certainty and confidence is seen as a leadership trait, even if the person doesn’t have the actual experience or credentials for the job.

I’m aware I myself have fallen into this. I have found more than one narcissist’s sense of certainty compelling. This was particularly true for me in intimate relationships. By my count, I married one narcissist, lived with another, and seriously dated at least two. All of them were much more clear about how they felt about us than I was. They all told me this was meant to be, we were obviously soul mates, etc., and I thought “Wow, that’s great that they are so sure!” And I hung my future on this confidence. (Ok, yeah, BIG red flag — now I know!)

Of course, the problem with this is that it is a) a projection, not real in the least, generally based on smoke, mirrors and a false mask of confidence; and b) fragile and unsustainable. Therefore, the narcissist, (whether in the workplace, family, intimate partnership, or as a cult leader) must resort to high levels of coercive control in order to maintain their position of power. No one can be allowed to see, as in the Wizard of Oz, behind the curtain. Because what is there — always and without fail underneath all the BS — is a small, angry, ashamed, wounded little person desperately hoping the world never finds out who and what they really are.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She has become much more skeptical about people who claim to have the answers.

The ART of Love

There are three things we need for a truly loving, rewarding and healthy intimate relationship: Attraction, Respect, and Trust. This is the ART of love.

When working in the arena of relational trauma the subject of love comes up all the time. “Do they/did they even love me?” “But I still love them.” “What if I still love them?” etc. And usually, I respond, well, let’s explore what love actually is to you. And I find that mostly they don’t really know. We talk about love all the time, often without stopping to consider what we mean by it, although we do tend to know it is a way we feel. In my experience in relationships, I have some to see that real lasting love in an intimate partnership has the three keystones mentioned above, and that there can be a domino effect in that if one falls, the others are at risk as well.

Here are some thoughts about each one, followed by examples of what can happen when one or more is missing.

ONE: Attraction. We need to feel a certain chemistry, a feeling that the person appeals to us, some excitement and interest in being around them. A sense of “heartfulness” about the relationship, which to me feels like my heart going towards and being open to them. Of course, attraction is often stronger at the beginning of relationships due to the “honeymoon effect” of dopamine, a neurotransmitter which cues us to anticipate a reward. Dopamine is more commonly activated when things are novel and unknown, and doesn’t continue at the same level once we are familiar with the person or situation. In healthy intimate relationships, we tend to transition out of the exciting dopamine stage into the more stable experience of long-term bonding activated by chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin.

But even though the initial “Oh my god they are perfect!” excitement generally wears off, continued attraction is still an important part of a love relationship. If it dies off completely, it’s hard to sustain an intimate partnership because the romantic aspect is missing. In my own experience, attraction is also tied to the other two keystones in that when they are strong it tends to sustain attraction, and when they are not, attraction often dies.

TWO: Respect. We need to respect our partner, to feel a certain admiration for their abilities, actions, values, qualities, and/or achievements. Obviously it’s not about the partner needing to be a famous rock star (or whatever). It’s about how they show up in the world and the choices they make. When we think about them, see them in the world, or watch them at a gathering, do we feel a sense of pride in being associated with them, or do we feel we need to somehow apologize for them? (All too often I have heard targets of abuse say things like “Oh they’re not like that when we are alone.”) Ultimately, respect is about whether or not we like and admire them as a person. And to me, the lack of respect is a huge attraction killer (see Maria’s story below).

THREE: Trust. Fundamentally, we need to feel safe. This is of course, not just physical safety (although of course absolutely critical), but emotional as well. We need to feel we can say difficult things and be heard, that our reasonable requests will be taken seriously, and that the other person will show up for us and the relationship even when it is hard. We need to feel that promises will be kept between us, and fundamentally, that we have solid ground to stand on. If we feel we need to “walk on eggshells” that is a classic sign we don’t have a relationship of trust. Not knowing where we stand or that we are ok is also a classic attraction killer over time, although for some of us, it may actually heighten our interest for a while due to the power of intermittent reinforcement. (Also see Why Narcissists Mess With Our Core Need to Trust.)

Lack of Trust, My Own Story: I truly respected the work this person was doing in the world, I extended trust (because that’s what I tend to do), and I found him attractive. Early on in the relationship, I expressed a need for more connection, and was soundly rebuffed. In fact, after a wonderful first 3 months, he broke up with me. We were apart for six weeks and then he reached out again to reconnect. I was young and still “in love” with him, so I jumped at the chance. But I now see that this incident made me lose trust in my role in the relationship and right to ask for what I wanted and needed. I married this man, but never felt I could fully trust his emotional state and treatment of me, as he was often angry and unpleasant, and took his stress out on me. For most of the time we were together, I did respect him, but as the trust waned, so did the attraction.

Lack of Respect, Maria’s Story: Maria had been involved with a malignant narcissist for 10 years who devalued, demeaned, and controlled her. Once she was out of that relationship and had done a great deal of healing, she was interested in having another relationship but was cautious to date again. When she met Rachel in a meditation group, Maria went very slowly and waited to fully extend trust. But Rachel showed again and again that she was kind, would not hurt her, kept her promises, and was overall a really good person. Maria felt relieved to be able to trust someone, and at first there was also respect and attraction.

But after they had been dating for a few months, Rachel lost her job as a school counselor and made little effort to find a new one. The strong person Maria met who was interesting and involved in the community turned into a self-involved person who was full of excuses as to why she couldn’t find a job. Maria had a lot of compassion at first, but after a year of this (Rachel was living off a small inheritance) with no sign of change, Maria realized that even though she continued to trust Rachel, her respect had died, and with it, any attraction.

Lack of Both Trust and Respect, David’s Story: David and Kira were drawn together immediately with a powerful attraction David describes as magnetic. Even after five years of marriage they had a wonderful sex life and he continued to feel chemistry with her. At first, David also respected Kira’s attempts to start a new business and (as we do) trusted everything she told him. But soon after they were married he began to see a different side of his wife. He noticed that some of her descriptions of her past didn’t seem to add up, she went from being kind and patient to dismissive and demeaning, and she began to leave the house for long periods with only vague explanations for where she was. When he wanted to talk about his day, she was “busy,” but when she wanted to talk about hers, he needed to pay rapt attention or pay the price of her anger.

Over time, her so-called “business” made little progress and, despite her grandiose promises and projections, brought in next to no revenue. David felt more and more alone unless they were in bed, but couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong. He now says he realizes his trust and respect were both eroding, and it was attraction alone keeping him in the relationship and causing him to forgive her time after time. One day a friend mentioned that they thought Kira might be somewhat narcissistic. David wasn’t familiar with narcissism, so decided to do some internet searching. As he looked into it, he saw that Kira met the descriptions all too well, and he was experiencing the same impact that other targets had shared. This was enough for him to begin the difficult process of extricating himself from the relationship. “Knowing her narcissism was probably at the core of ‘our’ problems also killed any attraction I still had,” he now says.

Lack of Attraction, Pat’s Story: Pat met a nice person who was kind and reliable. Pat felt they were the balm to the spirit they’d been longing for after a series of dramatic and toxic relationships with untrustworthy people. Pat respected this person and trusted them deeply as well, but even early on, there was little passion between them. Rather, the relationship felt like a comfortable old shoe, safe and predictable. Sex was at first intermittent, and then slowly disappeared. Pat began to wonder if they themselves had lost all libido and if this was all the future held — a passionless yet secure connection with another person. As Pat pondered this, they realized that in order to feel safe, they had neglected a critical aspect of intimate partnership, the feeling of true attraction.

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Some final thoughts: I have been thinking about the ART of love and realizing how critical all three aspects are to a powerful intimate relationship. I myself have unconsciously let go of one or more too many times, thinking that “love” was worth it, without seeing that all three is what we all truly want and need.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She is no longer willing to have an ART-less relationship.

Another Reason Narcissists Like to Lie — it’s More Fun

Bottom line: lying generally requires greater effort by the prefrontal cortex* than telling the truth does. This actually makes it stimulating and even more fun for the narcissist.

Anyone who’s been involved with a narcissist knows that they often have a somewhat casual relationship with the truth. Many (if not most) lie with impunity, and often so convincingly that our own sense of reality can feel like we’re standing on shifting sands. What is, in fact, real from what they are telling us?

There are many reasons that narcissists lie. To manipulate, to gaslight, to control, to avoid responsibility, to get attention, etc. (See this post for more on the narcissist and lying.) But one we often don’t consider is that it is fun for them.

In my own case, I have to confess I believed everything he told me. Why wouldn’t I? He was my partner, my soul-mate. Now, of course I know that people lie. In fact, research shows that human beings tend to cook up stories a couple of times a day. But serious deception in a personal relationship was simply not what I was counting on.

At some point after I left and was deep in my healing process, I found myself pondering something he had told me and realizing in that moment, that it was probably a lie. Not to be too cliched here, but it was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. All of a sudden I could see. Why was I taking what he had said as true? Wasn’t it much more likely that a large percentage of it were lies?

But why did he lie to me? For all the reasons above and — because it was more fun. Narcissists appear to have a disrupted relationship to the neurotransmitter dopamine, which cues us to what is rewarding and worth our attention. More research need to be done in this area, but the cues point to that they tend to be constantly seeking dopamine-inducing experiences. This may explain why there is so much “co-morbidity” for narcissists — that is, other issues such as addiction. They need more and/or more constant dopamine than non-narcissists in order to feel stimulated and alive.

Lying requires greater effort by the prefrontal cortex (PFC) than telling the truth, and things that add stimulation to our PFCs generate neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine (adrenaline). By the way, this is true for both narcissists and non-narcissists, and is why, for most of us lying feels stressful and we don’t really tend to enjoy it. But for a personality type that is low on dopamine, a nice juicy lie can spice things up and make life more interesting.

Ah yes, the more you know……

*See https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-art-of-lying/

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and telling the truth.

When is it Time to Focus on YOU?

It’s typical to spend our time and energy trying to figure out the narcissist, but at some point, we also need to focus on ourselves.

So first of all, no shade if you have found yourself down the endless rabbit hole of wondering WTF the narcissist is/was (and ever shall be) doing, thinking, and believing. Since they don’t follow the typical rules of human interaction, they can be confusing creatures indeed. And I believe that some degree of understanding the patterns and tendencies is empowering because it helps us depersonalize the treatment when we can see that well, it’s pretty much just what they all do.

But let’s also look at the impact these relationships have on us personally. The impact of being devalued, raged at, neglected, manipulated, gaslighted, and so on, is not to be underestimated. A metaphor might be that in narcissistic relationships we are plants deprived of water and sun. No matter what the reason, we need to get nourished again so we can thrive.

Good to know what sort of person does this so we can deal with them in the present and avoid them in the future. So please, spend the time you need making sense of things. Read the books, watch the videos, follow my blog :). But also, give yourself water, light and care so you can grow in your own life.

To mix my metaphors, I think of healing from narcissistic abuse as a three-pronged stool. One leg is understanding what this is, what narcissists tend to do so we can see our treatment as undeserved, unfair and not our fault in any way. One leg is understanding our own patterns and history so we can bring into awareness what needs to be loved and healed. And one leg is building strength in ourselves so we become taller and stronger than we ever have been before. When we combine all three, the healing is profound.

As always, I feel compelled to mention that a qualified (that is, trained in narcissistic abuse) therapist or coach can be of tremendous help with all three.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and giving herself water and light.

Being Mad Doesn’t Mean You’re Bad

Often those of us who have experienced neglect and abuse have a really complex relationship with anger (actually, most people do, but that’s another story). One, we may have experienced a parent, partner or authority figure use their anger to intimidate and manipulate us, creating an association between anger and being a really crappy sort of person. Two, we may have experienced the same person or people being very dysregulated and unable to control their anger, creating genuinely terrifying situations where we learn to do anything to appease them and make things ok again.

And three, we have probably rarely been able to know, experience or find the right way to express our own legitimate anger. In fact, in toxic relationships our own legitimate anger (from being betrayed, devalued, gaslit, insulted, and manipulated) is all too often used against us. When we express feelings of frustration or “clap back” we are told we are the problem. “There you go again, you really need to learn how to deal with your anger.” (See Is It Fighting or is it Abuse? for more on this.) Some of us simply shut down and others may find themselves blowing up.

In our relational trauma coach training program it has become clear to us that finding our anger and learning to include it is critical to healing. We use the metaphor of a “speed limit”* in terms of anger as a way to help people see that anger is a) a real, legitimate human experience, and b) does not have to be out of control terrifying rage. Like all emotions, it tells us something, often that a boundary has been violated or there is something happening that is not ok. And it needs to move, but at a manageable speed.

As the students share this with clients, there are some classic responses. One is that in terms of having an anger speed limit, targets of narcissistic abuse often say things like “Speed limit? Hah! I’m not even on the road, I’m still in the driveway!” The other is that they begin to realize that, in the words of the title of this blog, being mad doesn’t mean they are bad.

Here are some questions we can explore to help work with anger at a speed that feels right:

ONE: What speed are you generally at when you need to communicate something with an emotional charge? How does that feel?

TWO: When you are angry and you go overly slowly and carefully, just barely putting along, how does that feel?

THREE: When you are angry and you go full out (100 MPH/160 KPH), no holding back, how does that feel?

FOUR: In most situations, for you, what feels like the right “speed limit?” That is, going at an appropriate, controlled and yet moving along speed? How does that feel?

FIVE: Where in your life do you need to speed up or slow down?

There is more and more evidence that suppressing emotions is bad for both one’s physical and mental health. Learning to a) recognize anger as one of our legitimate human emotions and b) find our own moving-forward-but-still-in-control speed limit of expression are important aspects of the healing journey. Don’t let crappy people in your present or past steal your anger from you — it lives alongside your passion and your joy.

*I think I originally got the speed limit metaphor from Josh Sommers Flanagan in this blog: https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2016/12/11/the-sweet-spot-of-self-control/

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and appropriate speed limits.

Will I Ever Stop Thinking About the Narcissist? A Story in Five Chapters.

The other day, I saw a post in a FB group about covert narcissism where the person asked “It’s been three months and I am constantly ruminating over what happened. Will I ever stop thinking about him?” And I remembered what that felt like — as well as how the story unfolded for me personally with time and healing work. (Note — I put in my own rough time stamps, but I don’t mean these to be right or wrong or what anyone else should or does experience, just how it was for me.)

Chapter One (Early Days)

I think about X constantly, but not in a new love starry-eyed way. Instead, I obsess over how on earth I could have gotten myself into this. How could I have not seen him for who he was, ignoring his maltreatment and moods? How could I have become so much less of who I am? It feels like I’ve ended up in a Lifetime movie and I don’t know how to get out.

Chapter Two (Roughly the First Year Out)

I think about X often, like a sore tooth I just can’t leave alone. I find my attention wandering to memories of his outrageous behavior and beliefs. My body reacts to anything reminding me of him, and it feels like if I don’t tell you the story you won’t know who I am.

Chapter Three (Year Two-ish Post Leaving)

I think about X from time to time. Many things bring him to mind, but there is more and more room for the rest of my life now, and I can go whole days without memories intruding. It feels like I am disentangling and am no longer buried beneath the experience.

Chapter Four (Year Three Out)

I rarely think about X. It’s been a few of years since I left, with a lot of healing work in that time. He no longer intrudes into my thoughts unbidden, and my body is usually calm when I do remember this part of my past. I can call memories to mind in order to unpack them without feeling distress. It feels like I am in the ongoing process of integrating the experience.

Chapter Five (Year Four and On)

I think about X when I need to write about narcissistic behavior. I search my memory banks for examples of love bombing, gaslighting, bread-crumbing, devaluing, neglect, grandiosity and more. I am fascinated by how distinctly he follows the classic patterns of the disorder. In the process, it feels like I am able to make more and more sense of what happened to me and why.

And through it all, I realize again and again, that things can be integrated, understood, and even transcended, and I am grateful.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and the healing power of time (and effort).

Is Your Empathy for Others Blocking Your Own Emotions and Needs?

I was recently re-watching a Sex and the City episode where Carrie bails on a party thrown for her by new fans in Paris so she can accompany her needy boyfriend (a much older famous artist) to his art opening rehearsal. He’s stressed and asks her to come along, even though he knows she has other important plans. She has been very excited about her party, having felt disconnected from her own identity while in Paris, but in this moment you can almost literally see her empathy switch turn on and displace her personal needs and desires. The irony is that as soon as they get there, he’s surrounded by adoring attention and moves away from her as if she isn’t even there. She hangs out for a while and then goes to the party, but everyone has already left.

Don’t get me wrong, I love empathy. In fact, not having full empathy is the hallmark of the toxic personality. It’s a healthy way we relate to other humans. Most people have both affective, or “felt” empathy, in addition to “understanding,” or cognitive empathy. Narcissists and their ilk generally only have cognitive empathy, if they have any at all.

In other words, the pain of those around them is not felt by them. If they want to, if they are feeling good and well-supplied, some may be able to access cognitive empathy and have a sort of understanding of others. But that heart tug, that ouch, that way truly empathic people feel someone else’s feelings? For narcissists it’s simply not there.

But what about for the rest of us? Most targets of narcissistic abuse have high levels of both kinds of empathy. (See this post on Super Traits for more.) We don’t want to hurt others, and it is easy — even sometimes automatic — to see things from their point of view.

And this, indeed, can be an awesome trait. But like many of our strengths, it can be overplayed, even in non-toxic relationships. Ultimately, we need to balance empathy for others with fully knowing and expressing our own feelings. And for some of us sometimes, like Carrie in Sex and the City, empathy for others pushes aside the recognition (not to mention expression) of what we ourselves feel.

Narcissists know this (on some level) and take advantage of it. They play on the target’s innate kindness and compassion, trusting that our empathy will keep us in their web. “I can’t leave, he’s had such a hard time in life.” “I can’t go no contact, she can’t really cope without me.” “I know he yelled at me, but he’s having a hard time at work.” Etc. They need us, so we override our own feelings and needs. Learning to both listen to and express these is a critical factor in moving on from toxic relationships.

Those of us healing from having been influenced by narcissistic abuse in our lives also need to recognize this tendency in non-toxic relationships. I think it’s important to ask ourselves if we are flipping to empathy too quickly, before noticing and honoring our own feelings, desires and needs. In my opinion, we need to stand in the complexity of both understanding how someone else may feel and not shutting down our own emotions as less important or even irrelevant.

And if we end up realizing that we are feeling small, inauthentic, devalued, frustrated, or anything else, let us have the courage to honor these feelings and not shut them down because someone else may not like it. We matter too.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and the essence of things.