vocabulary – Page 2 – But Now I Know Your Name

How Narcissists Use the Idea of Scarcity to Hook You

Scarcity: the gap between limited—that is, scarce—resources and theoretically limitless wants. We tend to be more attracted to those options or opportunities that are in short supply or time-limited in nature.

I had just started dating the X. We lived about 20 minutes away from each other, and he did not like to come to my house because of the cats (he said he was allergic). So I was spending a lot of time at his rental home. I felt disconnected from my own life (not to mention said cats), and I joked one day that if the apartment attached to his house ever became available, that would be a perfect solution.

The very next day he said he had “happened” to talk to the landlord and the apartment was going to be available at the end of the month. He asked if I wanted to move in and use that part of the house for an office and for my cats? But it was a 12 month rental and if I didn’t want it, that would mean I’d be stuck driving back and forth for another year. It was a scarce resource, which not only made it more attractive, the fact that it was time-limited activated a level of fear in me–what if I lose out on this one opportunity?

Yes, there were other reasons I overrode caution and common sense and moved in when I barely knew him. But when I think back on it, the biggest thing was this idea that if I didn’t act now, I would be stuck in a crappy situation for a year.

Consumer research shows that the idea of scarcity is a powerful way to convince someone to buy something. And some narcissists use this to get us to “buy” them. Why? Well, the sooner they can lock someone into a relationship with a commitment that is difficult to break (moving in together, buying a house, getting married, having a baby, etc.), the sooner they feel they can drop the exhausting mask they are wearing to appear wonderful (or even normal).

Here are a few thoughts about some of the ways they use this tactic:

~ They make it clear they are in demand in some way. This communicates that their love or attention is scarce and therefore more valuable. They may tell you stories of how many women or men are interested in them, how popular they are, etc.

~ They limit time in some way, such as my own example above. They have to get married right away because of some financial benefit, they need to have a baby before they get too old, they will be moving away soon, etc.

~ They limit their attention, thus making you crave it more. They can only see you once a week. They are “too busy” to talk or text. They have “a lot going on at work” and are preoccupied. Then, when you do get their attention, it is all the more rewarding. You feel special that they made time for you in their busy life. You must be special.

~ They convince you that finding a “good man” or “good woman” is a rare and unusual occurrence. They might muse about how hard dating is, and how magical it is that you two have found each other. The local area is such a dating desert that it is truly amazing to find someone so compatible.

I also want to point out that while I do believe that the above can be tactics used by narcissists, they are also fears we ourselves have which can make it hard to look at the possibility of relationship with clear eyes. We have our own worries about scarcity, which I believe is part of why the narcissist knows this a great way to manipulate people.

So, how does one resist being manipulated by the idea of scarcity? Trust that if the relationship is truly good for you, there will be time enough for whatever needs to happen. And if the person is really interested (and non-toxic) they won’t try to convince you that you are somehow lucky to get their attention or be in a relationship with them. Remind yourself that there truly is no rush. The healthy way forward is to let things evolve and unfold over time. In terms of love and relationships. scarcity is a myth.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and letting things unfold.

No, I Didn’t “Pick Him”

My neighbor stopped by yesterday to get some of my extra gravel for a project. We were chatting and he mentioned that my ex had been kind of weird and not very friendly. I said something along of the lines of, “yeah, he was a pretty disturbed person.” And the neighbor replied with a smile, “Well, you picked him, there must be something about you!” He wasn’t being mean, and he really is a nice guy. I like him. He said he’d bring me fish from his cabin this summer. He looks out for me. But there it was, the classic response. You picked him.

No. We pick a new mattress because we like how it feels. We pick out our clothes for the day because they fit with the activities we are doing. We pick the prettiest flowers or the ripest tomato. And sometimes we are wrong. The mattress turns out not to be quite right or we realize the tomato is over-ripe. And then, we can honestly say, well, I picked this and I was wrong.

But do we “pick” a narcissistic partner? Do we, really? No freaking way. Rather, we pick the mask. It’s like choosing to paint your walls a soft coral and having them turn bright red after about six months, and someone saying “Geez, why did you pick this color? What were you thinking? What’s wrong with you?” Honestly, we’re just as baffled as they are.

And narcissists, my friends, are typically very, very good at appearing to be the color we want. They almost never show their true selves at the beginning, knowing that if they treat us with disdain, act overly controlling, or pick fights over nothing, we won’t be interested. Who wants that sort of treatment? Rather, they pretend to be all we are looking for, the soul-mate we never thought we’d find. We pick that.

And slowly, the soft coral walls we wanted to live within turn a virulent red that we don’t. But no, we didn’t pick this. No one does.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Narcissist’s Fascination With You — At First

A lonely frog goes to a psychic to ask what her future holds. “Well,” says the psychic, looking into her crystal ball. “I see that you are going to meet a handsome man. He will be completely fascinated and want to know absolutely everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great!” she replies. “Will I meet him at a party?”

“No,” says the psychic, “biology class.”

How many of us have realized that what felt at first like true interest turned out to be being dissected in biology class? This is classic behavior of a toxic narcissist. It can feel like you’ve been put under a microscope, with them fascinated by every detail of your life, your interests, your values, etc. At first it seems like they simply can’t learn enough about you. This can, of course, be misinterpreted as love, when in reality that is far from the truth.

What, then is it and why do they do this? A few thoughts come to mind:

ONE: It’s a classic way to love bomb someone. Paying what seems like rapt and sincere attention is a very good way for narcissists to catch someone in their sticky web. Who doesn’t want to feel like they are fascinating, unique, and special? This sort of attention can feel like water in the desert, especially for any of us who have been neglected, devalued, and/or taken for granted in our families of origin or past relationships. It can be the thing we most crave and never really believe we’ll get. No wonder we feel like we’ve met a soul mate when someone is that curious about us.

TWO: It is a way to gather intel to be used against us later. The more they know about our hopes, dreams, wounds and painful memories, they more they are able to hit us in our vulnerable places. It is easiest and most effective to go for the tender spots where a person has shown themselves to be sensitive when you want to devalue and/or manipulate someone. Also, the more a narcissist knows about you, the more subtle they can be. And the more subtle they can be, the less likely their tactics will be seen for what they are.

THREE: They typically love shiny new things. It may even be the case that they are interested in you–at first. You are fascinating because the unknown always is, in the beginning. So in this case, the interest can be genuine because you are providing stimulation. For healthy people, this “oh-my-god-you’re-so-amazing” stage naturally transitions to one of deeper trust and connection. They may not be as stimulated and surprised by their partner, but that’s ok. They feel connected and safe.

But narcissists don’t seem to have the ability to transition to this next stage of relationship. Instead of feeling deeper trust and connection with you, they feel bored and annoyed. Bored because you hold few surprises for them, and annoyed because you were supposed to be the one who saved them from their own limitations as a human being.

And so, with most narcissists, after the fascination comes the dissection. Instead of being the object of their interest and curiosity, they simply want to take you apart.

What to do about this? Be careful and go slowly with anyone who is too curious at first. There is a natural deepening of trust over time in healthy relationships. Non-narcissists don’t typically feel they need to know everything about someone right away. Rather, they trust they will learn more as the relationship progresses.

If you get pressured to share more than you are comfortable sharing, or shamed for not being “more open” with a new person, this is a red flag. It may not mean that this person is awful and untrustworthy, but it is a sign to slow down a bit and see how things unfold.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Divorcing a Narcissist? Check Out These Resources

Legal entanglements with highly narcissistic personalities tend to be difficult, protracted and often re-traumatizing. At a minimum, divorcing or needing to engage in other legal negotiations will definitely be different than with a less toxic person. Here are just a few curated resources I have found enlightening and helpful:

The Dangers of Divorcing a Narcissist, on Navigating Narcissism. Dr. Ramani interviews Demetria Graves, a wonderfully honest and wise California-based divorce attorney. This is #1 on my list for its straight talk and excellent advice, no matter what state or country you are in.

Represent Yourself Against a Narcissist in Court, Tina Swithin and Dr. Ramani with Rebecca Zung. Rebecca Zung is an expert on negotiating with narcissists and has a very robust YouTube Channel on the subject. In this 2-part series, she talks with Tina Swithin, author of One Mom’s Battle, about her own experience of divorcing a narcissist. She loops in Dr Ramani as well for her take on things. (Link is to Part One).

Before you Divorce a Narcissist, Watch This, another excellent video by Rebecca Zung.

Narcissists and the Family Court System, again with Dr. Ramani. A good overview of how things tend to work.

One Mom’s Battle, website for Tina Swithin’s organization, with blog, books, and many other resources. There is even a free download of ways to respond to a narcissist if you sign up for her newsletter!

Divorcing a Narcissist: 10 Tips From a Therapist, some advice on how to navigate the process.

Most of the experts rightly point out that there is the legal part of things (Demetria Graves calls this the “business” of the process) and the emotional part of things, and recommend you have professional support for both if at all possible. Your lawyer needs to focus on the lawyer stuff, while your narcissism-informed coach or therapist can help you process and deal with the emotional aspects.

Having been through a nasty, difficult, expensive legal battle with the X, I get how hard this is. Please reach out if I can help with the emotional part of your process.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Early Warning Signs Someone Might be a Narcissist

How do you know early on that the person you are dealing with might be a narcissist? Much of the time you simply don’t.

I’m often told “Oh, my ex (spouse, boss, parent, etc.) is so charming, you’d probably love them if you met them.” And you know what? That might be true. Narcissists are known for their ability to win people over at first. The mask can be very compelling, and even experts in the field can be fooled.

So how then, do you know to take care before you get entangled, when your heart and mind are still free enough to walk away? Here are a few very early warning signs, often present even before you notice any classic red flags:

ONE: Any small lie, evasion or half truth, no matter how they justify it. When we like someone or want something (such as a job or relationship) many of us tend to calibrate towards understanding and forgiveness. But, as they say about rats, where there is one lie you see, there will generally be many more you don’t. Any small deception, even when understandable and forgivable, should put you in caution mode. (In my case, I found out on the second date that the X lied about his age, but I did not take this as the caution sign it was.)

TWO: Too much information and/or vulnerability. This one is tough, because, for open and authentic people, it can simply feel like you’ve met someone who is willing to be real. But I recommend noting it as a possible early warning sign. Even deeply authentic people understand that trust in relationships is not automatic, but rather, something that builds over time. On the first date with the X, he told me “everything” about his difficult past and even his current financial situation. Again, it caught my attention as being a bit too much, but didn’t, unfortunately, slow me down.

THREE: Something about them catches your attention negatively. This one is perhaps the most important and most helpful. Pay attention to what grabs your attention in even a slightly negative way. Your intuition may be picking up on something that isn’t blatant enough for your conscious mind to make sense of (yet). In my own case, the X fixated a bit on the fact that I bought my own coffee before I sat down with him on our fist date. To me, this wasn’t even worth mentioning, but it stuck with me that he was a tiny bit put out. It wasn’t a great big red flag in my face, but maybe it was a very small one fluttering just in the corner of my eye.

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The bottom line for me is that while a) you don’t know for sure if someone is ok or not, b) it’s critical to pay attention to what grabs your attention. This could be a lie, overly sharing, a small unkindness, a bit of bragging, a bit of being a victim, or something as small as who paid for coffee. And if something does, it may not be the reason that you don’t go forward, but it should be the reason you slow down. Don’t get physical with them right away, don’t say yes to the job or investment, don’t go forward in any significant way. Just take it as a sign to be a bit more careful in terms of waiting to see how things unfold.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How Narcissists Use the Idea of Personal Responsibility Against You

I basically grew up in the personal growth / new age world, having been involved with a well-known seminar company from ages 18 to 27. We were taught (and reminded constantly) that everything was up to us. That we create our own reality. That there are no victims. That there is only power and effectiveness in being the cause and source of our own lives. Period.

At the time, the idea of personal responsibility felt empowering and enlightening. At age 18, I took it as an absolute and irrefutable truth (that’s the problem with learning something before one’s prefrontal cortex develops completely). I did my best to live from this idea, always looking to how I “created” a situation and how it may be an opportunity to heal something unhealed within me. Etc.

This orientation to responsibility (like many “super traits” which attract narcissists and which they exploit) is generally a powerful and mature way to be in relationship with someone else — if they are healthy and equally committed to looking within themselves.

But if the person you are with is highly narcissistic, you can bet your sweet bippy they will simply use it against you. In fact, if you want to know whether the person you are involved with is overly narcissistic, just listen to whether or not they acknowledge any responsibility for disagreements between you. (I’m sorry you feel that way ain’t it, by the way!)

Rather, what is typical is that they will pile on to your own self-examination, agreeing that yes indeed, you do need to get over whatever you did that caused the breakdown. You’re lucky they put up with you, given how broken you are and how much personal work you still need to do. (Pardon me while I barf.)

Not only do narcissists love to exploit your own desire to take responsibility and not be a “victim” of life (or them), this orientation can also keep us stuck in toxic relationships. Why? If we are habituated to looking within every time something does not go well, we’ll resist looking externally to see if someone is doing something that is actually and objectively not ok. (By the way, new age cults and those that exploit their members for unpaid labor classically use this model to keep people from questioning their methods and staying involved.)

And so, is the idea of personal responsibility wrong? Not necessarily and not completely. But I have learned it is helpful to find the “and” space between internal and external. For example:

~ I am responsible for my life and what is happening to me is not ok.

~ I stated my needs and the other person used this against me and this is not ok.

~ I am doing my best to be thoughtful, honest, and clear in my communication, and the other person is consistently showing me that they are not capable of this type of healthy dialogue.

~ This situation has something to teach me and maybe I even “created” it for my highest good, and perhaps what I need most to learn is to get the heck out.

If someone is using the idea of personal responsibility against you in a toxic way, whether that is in a group, workplace, or personal relationship, it’s not enlightenment. It’s just a clever manipulation strategy.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Why Narcissists Move So Fast

That morning he gazed deep into my eyes and said “I love you.” I was surprised, as we’d known each other less than a week. But I was also flattered, and instead of seeing it as the red flag it was, thought that perhaps I had finally met a man who was unafraid of showing his emotions and leaning in to a relationship. Before I knew it — and more importantly — before I knew HIM, I was all in, convinced that this was it.

Narcissists are often excellent at first impressions, using charm, being very curious about you, and even mirroring your interests, values and beliefs. In romantic relationships, it can feel like you have met your true soul mate, so why not jump in? When it goes very quickly (as it typically does), instead of wondering what the rush is, it can get framed as “when you know, you know.”

Why do they typically push things forward so fast, rather than letting the relationship unfold more organically over time? What is the big rush? Why do they so desperately need to “lock things down?” Well, here’s a couple of reasons:

ONE: They can only do their impression of a kind, interested person for so long. In other words, the persona (not person) you fell in love with has an expiration date, as it takes great energy and effort for the narcissist to keep up the facade. Once the target is in some way committed (typically a swift commitment to being exclusive, moving in together quickly, a rushed marriage, or even having a baby together), they can drop the exhausting mask and go back to their true toxic personality.

TWO: They have idealized their target, convincing themselves that this person is the one who will — finally — truly love them, be there for them, and fix all their problems. They want to get the person into a commitment before they get away because they have (for the moment) convinced themselves that this one is it.

When people ask me how to avoid getting involved with a narcissist, I generally tell them that time is the friend of the target and the enemy of the narcissist. While going slow will be fine if you have truly met a wonderful person (in fact, it is a classic green flag in dating), you’ll generally get a huge amount of push back when dealing with a toxic, controlling person. They’ll typically say they are ok with it at first to fit with the wonderful person persona they have adopted, but you’ll find they soon push boundaries, try to talk you into going faster, make it about you and your issues, or play the soul mate card. Watch for this.

Because they are so good at wearing the “soul mate” and/or wonderful person mask at first, to know what we are truly dealing with, sometimes all we have is time.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

You Are So Much More than What the Narcissist Says

Whether it is in the workplace, family, intimate partnership, or even friendship, one of the most destructive things a narcissist does is to change the way you think about yourself. And not, my friends, for the better.

They have many tricks up their sleeve in how they attempt this. It can be done overtly or covertly, through subtle implication or outright contempt, by criticism or lack of interest, by competing with you or insinuating that what you are up to is worthless, etc. I like to say that narcissists are never as amazing or talented as they think they are, but they are masters of this arena, brilliantly knowing just how to match the devaluation to the target for maximum impact.

However they do it, four main reasons why come to mind:

ONE: It’s challenging and therefore fun for them. As we’ve talked about a lot in this blog, most people get targeted by narcissists not because they are weak, small and vulnerable, but because they are bright, big and really cool. A narcissist wants a good “catch” working for them or as a romantic partner. Even a narcissistic parent wants a kid they can brag about. But once they have you in their web, they tend to love the game of trying to take you down. And they need someone with some chutzpah and spark for it to be interesting.

One example of this is a telling scene in episode one of season four of Succession, currently on HBO. The extremely narcissistic father has at this point driven away most of his children. He is at his birthday party surrounded by employees, and it becomes clear he is bored out of his skull without his children there to bully and banter with. He even begs to be “roasted” in an attempt to get some much-needed narcissistic supply. But the sycophants around him are not up to the engagement, and it clearly leaves the father frustrated and unfulfilled.

(If you, like me, are fascinated by this show, you might be interested in Dr. Ramani’s ongoing analysis of the characters and plot — in this episode she talks about the scene I mentioned.)

TWO: If they can change the way you think about yourself, it makes things ever so much easier for them. While a big, bright, bold target is attractive, they are difficult to control and dominate. Anyone who remains too confident will get tired of being devalued and will move on, so narcissists know they need to break your spirit as soon as they can.

Because targets also tend to be high in traits such as empathy and loyalty, unfortunately this strategy can work well for a narcissist. Most targets don’t give up easily, and we tend to take seriously the criticism lobbed at us, even if it has little accuracy. Am I like that? Let me look at myself. Do I “always” do something that is not so great? I’ll examine this and try to change. After all, I want to be a good partner, and I want to grow. Narcissists know this, and they exploit it.

This treatment often has the impact of making the target overly cautious and on edge, suppressing their natural confidence or exuberance in order to please the narcissist. And if we do this long enough, it can start to feel like who we are. Ugh.

THREE: This may be the most obvious, but the only way they have any sense at all of their own value and place in the world is through comparison to others. And of course, they must be the ones on top at all times. In any sort of relationship, this means that the target simply has to be less than them in every possible way.

If you are too confident and sure of yourself, the narcissist is secretly terrified you will show up better and shinier than them. While there might be a short time early on where your accomplishments look good as a reflection of who they are, this fades quickly as they realize you are getting attention that might be going to them. If they can make you question yourself, your value, and your behavior, you’ll back off in public and leave more yummy “supply” for them.

FOUR: You have disappointed them. You were put on a pedestal at first in the love-bombing stage, as you were supposed to be the perfect answer to all their unfulfilled needs. Soon enough, you showed that you were human, with imperfections and needs of your own. This is infuriating to the narcissist, and they actually feel betrayed by your inability to live up to who you were supposed to be. They devalue you as payback for not being their fantasy employee, partner, friend or child.

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I want to repeat the title here — you are so much more than what the narcissist says you are. I am reminded about how we are advised to read or view the news — we are cautioned to “consider the source.” A narcissist is never a good source to consider when we are assessing how to see ourselves. Rather, in the healing journey we need to be surrounded by people who can help us remember that we are bigger, brighter, and more of a contribution to the world than what we may have come to believe.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Myth of the Frog in Boiling Water

The urban legend is that if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out immediately, but if you place a frog in tepid water and gradually turn up the heat, the frog will stay in the pot because it acclimates to the temperature until it boils to death.

This story is often used to make the point that gradual change can be imperceptible until it is too late. According to biologists, this is complete BS. Frogs would die if thrown into boiling water, and would jump out of water that increased in temperature once it became uncomfortable.

Which is perhaps too bad (although not for the frogs of course), because it’s a great metaphor for how we grow acclimated to things we probably would never tolerate if thrown at us full force. And to apply this to narcissistic abuse, it’s been my experience that the heat usually gets turned up gradually.

In my own case, the water definitely heated imperceptibly slowly, which was almost impossible to detect at the time:

ONE: He gets a little distant and seems slightly less enthusiastic about the relationship. That’s ok, I think, no one stays in the honeymoon period forever. The water is becoming tepid.

TWO: He no longer wants to have breakfast together every morning. That’s ok, I think, he gets up earlier than me and is hungry. I understand. The water warms up a little more.

THREE: He stops being at all interested in my work. That’s ok, I think. He’s focusing on creating a new coaching business himself, and I’m already established. It’s natural that he is more focused on himself. The water is warm, but not uncomfortable yet.

FOUR: He doesn’t want to just hang out together any more in the evenings after dinner. That’s ok, I think. He gets up early and he’s tired at night. The water is getting a bit too warm at this point (not that I notice).

FIVE: He goes from being uninterested in my work to subtly belittling it. I’m confused as to whether or not this is ok. What he says is not outright insulting. Rather, his comments are within the scope of plausible deniability as to whether or not they are meant to put me down. And so, I don’t raise it as an issue even though I don’t like it. The water is hot but I think I can take it.

SIX: He starts giving me the silent treatment when I do something he doesn’t like. That’s not ok, I think, but it doesn’t happen that often and we always “get closer” when we talk it through afterwards. And I understand he is “trying” to deal with his anger. This is hot water, but I am coping, although starting to become a little concerned about the temperature.

SEVEN: He starts going off on me when I raise issues. He yells, rages, tells me I am toxic, terrible to live with. I have pretty much the same response as #6 above. Even hotter. Starting to bubble. I’m wondering if I can stay but I’m still trying to make it work.

EIGHT: He starts threatening me when I express unhappiness at the way he is treating me, telling me to pack my bags (wait, it’s my house too and I paid the down payment). Ok, now it’s boiling. I’m completely discombobulated, freaked out and scared. How in the hell did I end up in boiling hot water?

As the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” After I jumped out of the boiling water, let my nervous system settle, and had some time to reflect, I could see how the water heated up. But of course, as I was “living life forward,” it was very very difficult to see what was going on.

Why is this? Humans have a tremendous ability to adapt. (In fact, Darwin’s theory of evolution is often misunderstood as survival of the “fittest,” when in truth, it is survival of the most adaptable.) We normalize things and adapt ourselves in order to get through the day. The water heats up and, when it does so gradually, we may not even notice.

One thing that can help targets of narcissistic abuse who are in water that is getting hotter, is to ask themselves, if the person behaved this way in the first weeks I knew them, would I have continued on with the relationship? If they did this sort of thing on the first or second date, would I have kept going? If the answer is no, it might be a good idea to find some professional support to help you get out of water that is about to boil.

Frogs, it turns out, may be smarter than humans. They jump out of water when it gets too hot.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Is it Time to Stop Using the Term Codependent?

Codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person’s self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Codependency has no established definition or diagnostic criteria within the mental health community.*

The term codependent gets thrown around a lot, especially in the narcissism and healing world. Just look up “narcissists and codependents” or something similar and see how many hits you get. Many experts will tell you that the reason people get hooked into narcissistic situations is that they are codependent, implying (and even stating outright) that wounded people attract narcissists, and their innate codependency is what keeps the target stuck.

Well, I call BS on that. I am so tired of this characterization I could just scream. Let’s unpack this by looking first at the background and origination of the word. As Wikipedia states, “the term ‘codependent’ was first used to describe how family members and friends might interfere with the recovery of a person affected by a substance use disorder by ‘over-helping.'” The idea is that the “codependent” person’s identity is all wrapped up in the need to help others, and they will do what they need to do to keep an addict addicted so that they themselves have a role and a purpose. In this sense, the term has some validity. But in terms of its current broad-scale application to anyone in relationship with someone with a personality disorder, I question it.

In my experience and in looking more deeply into the many factors that affect narcissistic abuse/toxic relationships, I do not see that people with low self-esteem and a chronic need to get their identity from “helping” others are what attracts narcissists–or keep targets stuck. I think throwing the term “codependent” at someone as an explanation for how they got involved with one is at best lazy, and at worst, simply more gaslighting.

Rather, research shows that narcissists, who feel they deserve the most amazing person on their arm or in their organizations, are typically attracted to people who shine. They don’t tend to want a diminished mouse who only wants to focus on and help them — at least not at first. This is not interesting, challenging, or attractive. After all, what does it say about them if they can only get someone with low self-esteem? And it’s not very much fun to take someone down who is already there.

But hey, how cool would it be (for a narcissist) to attract and ensnare someone amazing, and then, through the idealization-devalue-discard cycle, make them feel small? And then, when they are diminished and broken, move on to someone more interesting? Now you’re talking.

And yes, the target’s behavior might look like codependency. Personally, and I know I am not alone, after a while I did tend to focus more on the X (a covert narcissist) than I did on me, trying to help him with his career, giving him the spotlight, and doing what I could to avoid becoming the target of his wrath. Why? Not because I needed this for my own identity, but because there were sometimes minor rewards (breadcrumbs) when I did and hell to pay when I didn’t. This was not my personality by any means, it was an adaptive strategy to cope with abusive treatment. Additionally, his hot and cold behavior probably created in me what is known as a “trauma bond,” also distinct from codependency.

The idea of being a “codependent type person” or even “codependent in a relationship” is all about the target, and does not take sufficiently into account the impact of abuse and the way we change our behavior in attempts to stay safe and simply get through another day. Also, let’s note that having a great deal of empathy is vastly different than needing people around us to be dysfunctional in order to have a purpose in life.

All that having been said, I want to acknowledge a couple of things. One, some narcissists may target people with lower self-esteem, because they are easier prey. It’s just not typically the norm because of all the reasons I stated above. Two, the advice on how to “stop being codependent” can be helpful as a way forward because of the behaviors adopted as a safety strategy.

I hope I’ve made my case that being targeted and entangled in narcissistic abuse is not generally a result of codependency. So in this arena, can we please stop using that term, and engage instead in more complex conversations?

*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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