Is Your Empathy for Others Blocking Your Own Emotions and Needs?

I was recently re-watching a Sex and the City episode where Carrie bails on a party thrown for her by new fans in Paris so she can accompany her needy boyfriend (a much older famous artist) to his art opening rehearsal. He’s stressed and asks her to come along, even though he knows she has other important plans. She has been very excited about her party, having felt disconnected from her own identity while in Paris, but in this moment you can almost literally see her empathy switch turn on and displace her personal needs and desires. The irony is that as soon as they get there, he’s surrounded by adoring attention and moves away from her as if she isn’t even there. She hangs out for a while and then goes to the party, but everyone has already left.

Don’t get me wrong, I love empathy. In fact, not having full empathy is the hallmark of the toxic personality. It’s a healthy way we relate to other humans. Most people have both affective, or “felt” empathy, in addition to “understanding,” or cognitive empathy. Narcissists and their ilk generally only have cognitive empathy, if they have any at all.

In other words, the pain of those around them is not felt by them. If they want to, if they are feeling good and well-supplied, some may be able to access cognitive empathy and have a sort of understanding of others. But that heart tug, that ouch, that way truly empathic people feel someone else’s feelings? For narcissists it’s simply not there.

But what about for the rest of us? Most targets of narcissistic abuse have high levels of both kinds of empathy. (See this post on Super Traits for more.) We don’t want to hurt others, and it is easy — even sometimes automatic — to see things from their point of view.

And this, indeed, can be an awesome trait. But like many of our strengths, it can be overplayed, even in non-toxic relationships. Ultimately, we need to balance empathy for others with fully knowing and expressing our own feelings. And for some of us sometimes, like Carrie in Sex and the City, empathy for others pushes aside the recognition (not to mention expression) of what we ourselves feel.

Narcissists know this (on some level) and take advantage of it. They play on the target’s innate kindness and compassion, trusting that our empathy will keep us in their web. “I can’t leave, he’s had such a hard time in life.” “I can’t go no contact, she can’t really cope without me.” “I know he yelled at me, but he’s having a hard time at work.” Etc. They need us, so we override our own feelings and needs. Learning to both listen to and express these is a critical factor in moving on from toxic relationships.

Those of us healing from having been influenced by narcissistic abuse in our lives also need to recognize this tendency in non-toxic relationships. I think it’s important to ask ourselves if we are flipping to empathy too quickly, before noticing and honoring our own feelings, desires and needs. In my opinion, we need to stand in the complexity of both understanding how someone else may feel and not shutting down our own emotions as less important or even irrelevant.

And if we end up realizing that we are feeling small, inauthentic, devalued, frustrated, or anything else, let us have the courage to honor these feelings and not shut them down because someone else may not like it. We matter too.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and the essence of things.

How Aware is the Narcissist?

One of the biggest questions I get about narcissism (next to can a narcissist change?) is whether or not they have awareness of who they are and the impact they have. In other words, do narcissists know they are narcissists? The answers to this are yes, no, maybe, and it depends. Ultimately the bottom line is that well, it’s complicated. Let’s look at a few reasons why:

1. While Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a listed diagnosis in the DSM-V (the diagnostic manual for mental disorders), being narcissistic is a description, not a diagnosis. Just as we might describe someone as irritable or negative or depressed, we can legitimately use narcissistic as a descriptor without being accused of “diagnosing” them. And so, what then is “a narcissist?” Is this term limited to someone who meets the criteria for NPD? Certainly in common language we tend to use it more loosely than that.
   
   And so, we might think of narcissism as being not only many distinct types, but also on a spectrum of behavior and awareness. Those on the lower end of the scale may have more awareness of their impact because of less inherent disruption to their innate core. (Then again, they may not.)
   
   And then on the other side there is at least one very well known YouTuber who claims to be a) a genius and b) a very strongly narcissist personality. This person is completely aware of who he is and what he is capable of. He asserts that what he calls higher level narcissists absolutely know who they are and don’t care about how they impact others, while the “lesser narcissists” do not know and do not care.
   
   
2. As I have mentioned previously, narcissism is egosyntonic to the narcissist, and an egosyntonic disorder is something that doesn’t feel like a problem. Rather, it feels to the person who has it as if it were simply normal and how it should be. Thus, it is harder for the person to recognize that there are issues with their behavior–it has to be everyone else because there is nothing wrong with me.
   
   
3. This issue of narcissism narcissism being egosyntonic also contributes to it being somewhat harder to study than other disorders. People with depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder will volunteer for studies–they’re generally more aware of and uncomfortable with what’s going on. But narcissism researchers don’t tend to have a large pool of subjects lining up saying “Hey, that’s me! Give me a test! Scan my brain!” We just don’t have enough data yet on this very toxic personality.
   
   (It’s somewhat easier, in fact, to study psychopaths. Why? There are large populations in prison who enjoy a day out being studied and scanned. See Simon Baron-Cohen’s The Science of Evil for a fascinating look at his research on inmates in England’s Broadmoor Prison.)
   
   
4. Narcissists are notoriously lacking in empathy (The Science of Evil mentioned above is a fascinating look at the lack of empathy in toxic personalities as well as the complexity of the empathy system in our brains). Empathy is part of our social awareness, and our ability to understand each other and our ability to understand ourselves are inextricably linked. Having an understanding of our own thought and behavior patterns helps us to better understand other people, and understanding other people helps us to better understand ourselves. The deficiencies in the empathy system of narcissists (and psychopaths) disrupt this important symbiosis of understanding.
   
   
5. It may be contextual to some degree. In a calm, safe conversation when the narcissist does not feel threatened some may be able to reach a degree of insight. Generally, though, this insight tends to be short-lived as their powerful need to protect their fragile ego core soon reasserts itself. Conversely, this so-called “insight” may also be a dastardly manipulation tactic, a sort of “bread crumb” to the target to keep them off center and hoping this is a sign the relationship is improving.

All of this seems to come down to a confusing jumble of who the heck knows for sure? But there is one thing experts tend to agree on, which is that it does no one any good to call a narcissist a narcissist, no matter how convinced you are and how much you want them to understand who they are. Honestly, just don’t.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She doesn’t know for sure about narcissists, but she does try to stay as personally self-aware as humanly possible.