Why Narcissists Can be Compelling

At a time when many of us feel uncertain (about the world, about our leaders, about ourselves), a narcissist’s projection of certainty can feel admirable.

Few of us are as seemingly confident as a classic narcissist, particularly of the overt type. Where we may question and doubt ourselves, wondering if we are doing the right thing and pondering if what we said came across how we meant it, they typically stroll forward in the world projecting that they, for one, have it all figured out. If someone doesn’t get it, doesn’t agree, or doesn’t understand them, well then, that’s their problem. Because the persona the narcissist projects is perfection itself. Nothing wrong with me!

This, my friends, is one of the many complex reasons people join cults (although as others have said, almost no one joins a cult, they join what looks like a good thing), all of which are run by narcissists. If we ourselves find the answers elusive, with the ground beneath us like shifting sand, and someone comes along convincingly saying “here is the way, just do what I say,” it can feel comforting.

It’s also a reason narcissists end up in leadership (and the C-suite in particular) to a greater degree than non-narcissists. Unfortunately, projecting tremendous certainty and confidence is seen as a leadership trait, even if the person doesn’t have the actual experience or credentials for the job.

I’m aware I myself have fallen into this. I have found more than one narcissist’s sense of certainty compelling. This was particularly true for me in intimate relationships. By my count, I married one narcissist, lived with another, and seriously dated at least two. All of them were much more clear about how they felt about us than I was. They all told me this was meant to be, we were obviously soul mates, etc., and I thought “Wow, that’s great that they are so sure!” And I hung my future on this confidence. (Ok, yeah, BIG red flag — now I know!)

Of course, the problem with this is that it is a) a projection, not real in the least, generally based on smoke, mirrors and a false mask of confidence; and b) fragile and unsustainable. Therefore, the narcissist, (whether in the workplace, family, intimate partnership, or as a cult leader) must resort to high levels of coercive control in order to maintain their position of power. No one can be allowed to see, as in the Wizard of Oz, behind the curtain. Because what is there — always and without fail underneath all the BS — is a small, angry, ashamed, wounded little person desperately hoping the world never finds out who and what they really are.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats and rain in the desert. She has become much more skeptical about people who claim to have the answers.

How Narcissists Use the Idea of Scarcity to Hook You

Scarcity: the gap between limited—that is, scarce—resources and theoretically limitless wants. We tend to be more attracted to those options or opportunities that are in short supply or time-limited in nature.

I had just started dating the X. We lived about 20 minutes away from each other, and he did not like to come to my house because of the cats (he said he was allergic). So I was spending a lot of time at his rental home. I felt disconnected from my own life (not to mention said cats), and I joked one day that if the apartment attached to his house ever became available, that would be a perfect solution.

The very next day he said he had “happened” to talk to the landlord and the apartment was going to be available at the end of the month. He asked if I wanted to move in and use that part of the house for an office and for my cats? But it was a 12 month rental and if I didn’t want it, that would mean I’d be stuck driving back and forth for another year. It was a scarce resource, which not only made it more attractive, the fact that it was time-limited activated a level of fear in me–what if I lose out on this one opportunity?

Yes, there were other reasons I overrode caution and common sense and moved in when I barely knew him. But when I think back on it, the biggest thing was this idea that if I didn’t act now, I would be stuck in a crappy situation for a year.

Consumer research shows that the idea of scarcity is a powerful way to convince someone to buy something. And some narcissists use this to get us to “buy” them. Why? Well, the sooner they can lock someone into a relationship with a commitment that is difficult to break (moving in together, buying a house, getting married, having a baby, etc.), the sooner they feel they can drop the exhausting mask they are wearing to appear wonderful (or even normal).

Here are a few thoughts about some of the ways they use this tactic:

~ They make it clear they are in demand in some way. This communicates that their love or attention is scarce and therefore more valuable. They may tell you stories of how many women or men are interested in them, how popular they are, etc.

~ They limit time in some way, such as my own example above. They have to get married right away because of some financial benefit, they need to have a baby before they get too old, they will be moving away soon, etc.

~ They limit their attention, thus making you crave it more. They can only see you once a week. They are “too busy” to talk or text. They have “a lot going on at work” and are preoccupied. Then, when you do get their attention, it is all the more rewarding. You feel special that they made time for you in their busy life. You must be special.

~ They convince you that finding a “good man” or “good woman” is a rare and unusual occurrence. They might muse about how hard dating is, and how magical it is that you two have found each other. The local area is such a dating desert that it is truly amazing to find someone so compatible.

I also want to point out that while I do believe that the above can be tactics used by narcissists, they are also fears we ourselves have which can make it hard to look at the possibility of relationship with clear eyes. We have our own worries about scarcity, which I believe is part of why the narcissist knows this a great way to manipulate people.

So, how does one resist being manipulated by the idea of scarcity? Trust that if the relationship is truly good for you, there will be time enough for whatever needs to happen. And if the person is really interested (and non-toxic) they won’t try to convince you that you are somehow lucky to get their attention or be in a relationship with them. Remind yourself that there truly is no rush. The healthy way forward is to let things evolve and unfold over time. In terms of love and relationships. scarcity is a myth.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and letting things unfold.

The Narcissist’s Fascination With You — At First

A lonely frog goes to a psychic to ask what her future holds. “Well,” says the psychic, looking into her crystal ball. “I see that you are going to meet a handsome man. He will be completely fascinated and want to know absolutely everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great!” she replies. “Will I meet him at a party?”

“No,” says the psychic, “biology class.”

How many of us have realized that what felt at first like true interest turned out to be being dissected in biology class? This is classic behavior of a toxic narcissist. It can feel like you’ve been put under a microscope, with them fascinated by every detail of your life, your interests, your values, etc. At first it seems like they simply can’t learn enough about you. This can, of course, be misinterpreted as love, when in reality that is far from the truth.

What, then is it and why do they do this? A few thoughts come to mind:

ONE: It’s a classic way to love bomb someone. Paying what seems like rapt and sincere attention is a very good way for narcissists to catch someone in their sticky web. Who doesn’t want to feel like they are fascinating, unique, and special? This sort of attention can feel like water in the desert, especially for any of us who have been neglected, devalued, and/or taken for granted in our families of origin or past relationships. It can be the thing we most crave and never really believe we’ll get. No wonder we feel like we’ve met a soul mate when someone is that curious about us.

TWO: It is a way to gather intel to be used against us later. The more they know about our hopes, dreams, wounds and painful memories, they more they are able to hit us in our vulnerable places. It is easiest and most effective to go for the tender spots where a person has shown themselves to be sensitive when you want to devalue and/or manipulate someone. Also, the more a narcissist knows about you, the more subtle they can be. And the more subtle they can be, the less likely their tactics will be seen for what they are.

THREE: They typically love shiny new things. It may even be the case that they are interested in you–at first. You are fascinating because the unknown always is, in the beginning. So in this case, the interest can be genuine because you are providing stimulation. For healthy people, this “oh-my-god-you’re-so-amazing” stage naturally transitions to one of deeper trust and connection. They may not be as stimulated and surprised by their partner, but that’s ok. They feel connected and safe.

But narcissists don’t seem to have the ability to transition to this next stage of relationship. Instead of feeling deeper trust and connection with you, they feel bored and annoyed. Bored because you hold few surprises for them, and annoyed because you were supposed to be the one who saved them from their own limitations as a human being.

And so, with most narcissists, after the fascination comes the dissection. Instead of being the object of their interest and curiosity, they simply want to take you apart.

What to do about this? Be careful and go slowly with anyone who is too curious at first. There is a natural deepening of trust over time in healthy relationships. Non-narcissists don’t typically feel they need to know everything about someone right away. Rather, they trust they will learn more as the relationship progresses.

If you get pressured to share more than you are comfortable sharing, or shamed for not being “more open” with a new person, this is a red flag. It may not mean that this person is awful and untrustworthy, but it is a sign to slow down a bit and see how things unfold.

—————————-

A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

Early Warning Signs Someone Might be a Narcissist

How do you know early on that the person you are dealing with might be a narcissist? Much of the time you simply don’t.

I’m often told “Oh, my ex (spouse, boss, parent, etc.) is so charming, you’d probably love them if you met them.” And you know what? That might be true. Narcissists are known for their ability to win people over at first. The mask can be very compelling, and even experts in the field can be fooled.

So how then, do you know to take care before you get entangled, when your heart and mind are still free enough to walk away? Here are a few very early warning signs, often present even before you notice any classic red flags:

ONE: Any small lie, evasion or half truth, no matter how they justify it. When we like someone or want something (such as a job or relationship) many of us tend to calibrate towards understanding and forgiveness. But, as they say about rats, where there is one lie you see, there will generally be many more you don’t. Any small deception, even when understandable and forgivable, should put you in caution mode. (In my case, I found out on the second date that the X lied about his age, but I did not take this as the caution sign it was.)

TWO: Too much information and/or vulnerability. This one is tough, because, for open and authentic people, it can simply feel like you’ve met someone who is willing to be real. But I recommend noting it as a possible early warning sign. Even deeply authentic people understand that trust in relationships is not automatic, but rather, something that builds over time. On the first date with the X, he told me “everything” about his difficult past and even his current financial situation. Again, it caught my attention as being a bit too much, but didn’t, unfortunately, slow me down.

THREE: Something about them catches your attention negatively. This one is perhaps the most important and most helpful. Pay attention to what grabs your attention in even a slightly negative way. Your intuition may be picking up on something that isn’t blatant enough for your conscious mind to make sense of (yet). In my own case, the X fixated a bit on the fact that I bought my own coffee before I sat down with him on our fist date. To me, this wasn’t even worth mentioning, but it stuck with me that he was a tiny bit put out. It wasn’t a great big red flag in my face, but maybe it was a very small one fluttering just in the corner of my eye.

—————————-

The bottom line for me is that while a) you don’t know for sure if someone is ok or not, b) it’s critical to pay attention to what grabs your attention. This could be a lie, overly sharing, a small unkindness, a bit of bragging, a bit of being a victim, or something as small as who paid for coffee. And if something does, it may not be the reason that you don’t go forward, but it should be the reason you slow down. Don’t get physical with them right away, don’t say yes to the job or investment, don’t go forward in any significant way. Just take it as a sign to be a bit more careful in terms of waiting to see how things unfold.

—————————-

A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and going slow sometimes.

How Narcissists Use the Idea of Personal Responsibility Against You

I basically grew up in the personal growth / new age world, having been involved with a well-known seminar company from ages 18 to 27. We were taught (and reminded constantly) that everything was up to us. That we create our own reality. That there are no victims. That there is only power and effectiveness in being the cause and source of our own lives. Period.

At the time, the idea of personal responsibility felt empowering and enlightening. At age 18, I took it as an absolute and irrefutable truth (that’s the problem with learning something before one’s prefrontal cortex develops completely). I did my best to live from this idea, always looking to how I “created” a situation and how it may be an opportunity to heal something unhealed within me. Etc.

This orientation to responsibility (like many “super traits” which attract narcissists and which they exploit) is generally a powerful and mature way to be in relationship with someone else — if they are healthy and equally committed to looking within themselves.

But if the person you are with is highly narcissistic, you can bet your sweet bippy they will simply use it against you. In fact, if you want to know whether the person you are involved with is overly narcissistic, just listen to whether or not they acknowledge any responsibility for disagreements between you. (I’m sorry you feel that way ain’t it, by the way!)

Rather, what is typical is that they will pile on to your own self-examination, agreeing that yes indeed, you do need to get over whatever you did that caused the breakdown. You’re lucky they put up with you, given how broken you are and how much personal work you still need to do. (Pardon me while I barf.)

Not only do narcissists love to exploit your own desire to take responsibility and not be a “victim” of life (or them), this orientation can also keep us stuck in toxic relationships. Why? If we are habituated to looking within every time something does not go well, we’ll resist looking externally to see if someone is doing something that is actually and objectively not ok. (By the way, new age cults and those that exploit their members for unpaid labor classically use this model to keep people from questioning their methods and staying involved.)

And so, is the idea of personal responsibility wrong? Not necessarily and not completely. But I have learned it is helpful to find the “and” space between internal and external. For example:

~ I am responsible for my life and what is happening to me is not ok.

~ I stated my needs and the other person used this against me and this is not ok.

~ I am doing my best to be thoughtful, honest, and clear in my communication, and the other person is consistently showing me that they are not capable of this type of healthy dialogue.

~ This situation has something to teach me and maybe I even “created” it for my highest good, and perhaps what I need most to learn is to get the heck out.

If someone is using the idea of personal responsibility against you in a toxic way, whether that is in a group, workplace, or personal relationship, it’s not enlightenment. It’s just a clever manipulation strategy.

—————————-

A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and personal responsibility in healthy relationships.

Why Narcissists Move So Fast

That morning he gazed deep into my eyes and said “I love you.” I was surprised, as we’d known each other less than a week. But I was also flattered, and instead of seeing it as the red flag it was, thought that perhaps I had finally met a man who was unafraid of showing his emotions and leaning in to a relationship. Before I knew it — and more importantly — before I knew HIM, I was all in, convinced that this was it.

Narcissists are often excellent at first impressions, using charm, being very curious about you, and even mirroring your interests, values and beliefs. In romantic relationships, it can feel like you have met your true soul mate, so why not jump in? When it goes very quickly (as it typically does), instead of wondering what the rush is, it can get framed as “when you know, you know.”

Why do they typically push things forward so fast, rather than letting the relationship unfold more organically over time? What is the big rush? Why do they so desperately need to “lock things down?” Well, here’s a couple of reasons:

ONE: They can only do their impression of a kind, interested person for so long. In other words, the persona (not person) you fell in love with has an expiration date, as it takes great energy and effort for the narcissist to keep up the facade. Once the target is in some way committed (typically a swift commitment to being exclusive, moving in together quickly, a rushed marriage, or even having a baby together), they can drop the exhausting mask and go back to their true toxic personality.

TWO: They have idealized their target, convincing themselves that this person is the one who will — finally — truly love them, be there for them, and fix all their problems. They want to get the person into a commitment before they get away because they have (for the moment) convinced themselves that this one is it.

When people ask me how to avoid getting involved with a narcissist, I generally tell them that time is the friend of the target and the enemy of the narcissist. While going slow will be fine if you have truly met a wonderful person (in fact, it is a classic green flag in dating), you’ll generally get a huge amount of push back when dealing with a toxic, controlling person. They’ll typically say they are ok with it at first to fit with the wonderful person persona they have adopted, but you’ll find they soon push boundaries, try to talk you into going faster, make it about you and your issues, or play the soul mate card. Watch for this.

Because they are so good at wearing the “soul mate” and/or wonderful person mask at first, to know what we are truly dealing with, sometimes all we have is time.

—————————-

A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

The Myth of the Frog in Boiling Water

The urban legend is that if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out immediately, but if you place a frog in tepid water and gradually turn up the heat, the frog will stay in the pot because it acclimates to the temperature until it boils to death. 

This story is often used to make the point that gradual change can be imperceptible until it is too late. According to biologists, this is complete BS. Frogs would die if thrown into boiling water, and would jump out of water that increased in temperature once it became uncomfortable.

Which is perhaps too bad (although not for the frogs of course), because it’s a great metaphor for how we grow acclimated to things we probably would never tolerate if thrown at us full force. And to apply this to narcissistic abuse, it’s been my experience that the heat usually gets turned up gradually.

In my own case, the water definitely heated imperceptibly slowly, which was almost impossible to detect at the time:

ONE: He gets a little distant and seems slightly less enthusiastic about the relationship. That’s ok, I think, no one stays in the honeymoon period forever. The water is becoming tepid.

TWO: He no longer wants to have breakfast together every morning. That’s ok, I think, he gets up earlier than me and is hungry. I understand. The water warms up a little more.

THREE: He stops being at all interested in my work. That’s ok, I think. He’s focusing on creating a new coaching business himself, and I’m already established. It’s natural that he is more focused on himself. The water is warm, but not uncomfortable yet.

FOUR: He doesn’t want to just hang out together any more in the evenings after dinner. That’s ok, I think. He gets up early and he’s tired at night. The water is getting a bit too warm at this point (not that I notice).

FIVE: He goes from being uninterested in my work to subtly belittling it. I’m confused as to whether or not this is ok. What he says is not outright insulting. Rather, his comments are within the scope of plausible deniability as to whether or not they are meant to put me down. And so, I don’t raise it as an issue even though I don’t like it. The water is hot but I think I can take it.

SIX: He starts giving me the silent treatment when I do something he doesn’t like. That’s not ok, I think, but it doesn’t happen that often and we always “get closer” when we talk it through afterwards. And I understand he is “trying” to deal with his anger. This is hot water, but I am coping, although starting to become a little concerned about the temperature.

SEVEN: He starts going off on me when I raise issues. He yells, rages, tells me I am toxic, terrible to live with. I have pretty much the same response as #6 above. Even hotter. Starting to bubble. I’m wondering if I can stay but I’m still trying to make it work.

EIGHT: He starts threatening me when I express unhappiness at the way he is treating me, telling me to pack my bags (wait, it’s my house too and I paid the down payment). Ok, now it’s boiling. I’m completely discombobulated, freaked out and scared. How in the hell did I end up in boiling hot water?

As the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” After I jumped out of the boiling water, let my nervous system settle, and had some time to reflect, I could see how the water heated up. But of course, as I was “living life forward,” it was very very difficult to see what was going on.

Why is this? Humans have a tremendous ability to adapt. (In fact, Darwin’s theory of evolution is often misunderstood as survival of the “fittest,” when in truth, it is survival of the most adaptable.) We normalize things and adapt ourselves in order to get through the day. The water heats up and, when it does so gradually, we may not even notice.

One thing that can help targets of narcissistic abuse who are in water that is getting hotter, is to ask themselves, if the person behaved this way in the first weeks I knew them, would I have continued on with the relationship? If they did this sort of thing on the first or second date, would I have kept going? If the answer is no, it might be a good idea to find some professional support to help you get out of water that is about to boil.

Frogs, it turns out, may be smarter than humans. They jump out of water when it gets too hot.

—————————-

A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

Why Didn’t I See It?

All too often targets of narcissistic abuse ask themselves (and are asked by others), why didn’t I see it? Here’s a poem from my own experience.

why didn’t I see it?
why didn’t I know?
why didn’t I catch on?
why did I let go

of all indications
signs and big cues
why did I step over
behavior and clues

to his innate nature
such cruelty and spite
why did I look past the
true lack of light?

I know I was hoping
each time was the last
I think I was trusting
that we would get past

the conflict and struggle
the insults and pain
I wanted to see him
as kind once again

as he was in the first place
the man that I met
I ignored all the signals
and looked past the threat

of what it grew into
which battered my heart
I held on to the promise
it had at the start

I was a prisoner
of denial and hope
which kept me from seeing
and stifled my “nope”

to his disposition
and treatment of me
there is none so blind as
the one who won’t see

what is there before them
but this story moves on
one day I woke up
and then I was gone

back to my own life
back to my core
committed to healing
denying no more

the signs and the signals
behavior and cues
and not stepping over
red flags and big clues

and here is my message
my hope for us all
may we live in awareness
may we stand proud and tall

~Ann Betz

—————————-

A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.

Why We Need to Tell Our Stories

Stories are a way we organize, integrate, and make sense of things.

As I talk a lot about in this blog, I figured out I was dealing with a covert narcissist and left him four years ago (almost exactly, as of writing this post). The first year, maybe two, I felt a strong need to tell people what had happened (not strangers, to be clear, but I have friends in other states and countries who I don’t see that often). I definitely repeated stories more than once, and I know it was my primary topic of conversation, at least for a while. I felt that it was a crucial part of me, and unless I shared what had happened, my friends wouldn’t actually know me.

But now I no longer feel that way. It isn’t what I lead with when people ask what’s new, even if we’ve been out of touch for a while. It comes up more in context, if at all. Why is this? Why did I feel I needed to tell people at one point and why do I no longer feel that urgency?

Before I answer that, I want to add that as a professional coach, I was taught to keep clients “out of their story.” That is, to stay focused on what is possible, not the repetition of what happened. The story doesn’t really matter so much, I was told. You want to get them to a place of looking forward. While there is truth to this in some contexts, I have seen that in working with relational trauma healing, people actually do need to tell the story–often more than once.

Why do targets of narcissistic abuse need to tell their stories? Here are a few reasons:

ONE: We need to tell them in order to make sense of things. Narcissistic abuse is crazy-making. The gaslighting, uncertainty, intermittent reinforcement, etc. makes it very hard in the moment to understand what is happening from any logical perspective (because it is not logical at all). Telling the story is part of the process of untangling what happened, and when it is told to an informed and empathetic person such as a trauma-informed coach or therapist, they can also help us undo the knot.

TWO: We often need to recover some of our memories. It is very very common that targets suppress certain aspects of the abuse in order to simply get through the day. “Euphoric recall” can be part of the initial response to leaving, where the target feels like maybe it wasn’t so bad, maybe they are overreacting, etc. Thus, sorting through what actually happened is very much a key aspect of the process of healing. In coaching, I almost always have the client do a “red flags” list as a way of acknowledging and bringing to light the abuse. (I have had clients say that the relationship only went bad at a certain point, only to realize as we looked at red flags that signs had actually been there from the start.)

THREE: We need to find a way to integrate what happened so that we can move on. Sometimes in the process of healing, well-intentioned people (and even professionals) will tell the target to “focus on the positive” and “move on” or even sometimes (particularly in the new age spiritual community) “there are no victims.” But to encourage people to go there before they have had a chance to tell their story until they understand it is simply toxic. We need to get our heads around things. We need to work with the memories until we can hold them as part of who we have become — not damaged, not less than, but impacted by this experience. And we also need to see that one can be victimized without being a victim as an identity. Sharing where you have been victimized and being accused of having a victim mentality is simply re-victimization.

Like most things, there is a calibration here. As I mentioned above, I needed to tell my story and be witnessed until well, I didn’t. It was integrated, it was part of me, the memories were clearer, I could see the patterns, I could understand it. And I needed my thoughtful friends and coaches to have patience and take me seriously in the process.

—————————-

In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She has lots of room for all the stories people need to tell.

The Psychopath Stare

I sincerely hope you never experience it……

I was downstairs in my office area with a couple of friends, when I realized I needed something from a closet upstairs. I quickly ran up to get it, passing him in the kitchen on the way. “Hi hon,” I said cheerily. “Just grabbing a notepad!” To my utter shock, I was met with the blackest stare I had ever seen. It was as if all the light had vanished from his eyes. He honestly looked like a demon in that moment, and it chilled me to the bone.

Little did I know that this — the classic psychopath stare — was a known thing. Recently a friend was telling me about a similar encounter, saying “You’re not going to believe this, but it was the weirdest thing. It looked like his eyes went black.” Oh yeah, I believe it.

Years ago I was at a conference on energy science with my business partner. Very out on the edge, but fascinating. As a neuroscience expert trained in the scientific method and a devotee of validated research, I am a fan of what can be proved. But as a curious person drawn to trying to make sense of the mysteries of the world, I am also open to that which is, perhaps, potentially true (and maybe in the process of validation).

At this conference, we encountered a team who were exploring whether one could gauge levels of consciousness in a human by tracking the amount of light reflected in their eyes.* It definitely was in the second category (interesting but not proven) and I honestly don’t even recall their research methodology. But when I encountered the psychopath stare, I thought of it again.

And I’ve thought a lot about it since. Whether or not the research is sound, anecdotally, it makes sense. Think about someone you know who makes you feel good to be around. Someone who is light, and positive and helpful. Most likely you will see a sparkle in their eyes. Now think about someone who is in a down and sad place. You might describe them as looking “flat.” What you are seeing is the light going out of their eyes.

And the psychopath? As I mentioned, it is known that their eyes can go pure black when they feel angry or threatened. Or maybe, if you just catch them without their mask in the moment. And honestly, if you see this, please take it as the biggest red flag possible. It means this person can lose access to their humanity and may be capable of great harm.

*At the end of his life, researched into consciousness Dr. David Hawkins was exploring the same thing. I think he sadly passed away before being able to fully validate this, however.

—————————-

In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

—————————-

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships. She likes people with bright eyes. 🙂