If Only I Hadn’t ____________.

Fill in the blank with your worst “mistake” that set off a narcissist.

I’m home sick today, reading a book (Family Remains, by Lisa Jewell — good stuff if you like a twisty contemporary mystery) with a very toxic character. His new wife makes the “mistake” of bringing a few mild, ahem, “toys” on their honeymoon. He loses his shit, shames her, and from then on their relationship is never the same. She finds herself thinking, “If only I hadn’t packed those things, we’d be back to where we were…..”

Many targets of narcissistic abuse can relate to this. If only we hadn’t:

~ Brought up a sensitive subject when they were tired or stressed
~ Gone out with friends without them
~ Made the wrong dinner
~ Gotten a B on our report card
~ Challenged them in a meeting
~ Laughed at the wrong time
~ Shown too little appreciation
~ Questioned them about where they were, what they did, their background, etc.

Because you know, if we hadn’t, all would still be great, right? After all, they’ve definitely made it clear that their reaction is our fault. If we hadn’t ___________, they wouldn’t have had to get angry or even violent. Our actions have ruined everything.

This is a classic gaslighting tactic of an abuser, designed for the target to believe and ruminate on. It also serves to constrain behavior and create a “fawn” response. If only I hadn’t done x, y, or z, it would be ok, so I’d better be very careful in the future. It throws the target off center and often the response is to walk on eggshells hoping that if they just behave better, the relationship will be fine.

But as many of us now know, and as the character in my book comes to realize (after her husband escalates and does something much much worse), if it hadn’t been that, it would have been any number of other things. Let’s all say it together: as targets of narcissistic abuse, it’s not our fault the toxic person went off!

This is not to say don’t take responsibility for genuine issues in a relationship if you indeed were thoughtless or unkind. But part of the detangling and healing process is to replace the ruminative thoughts focused on our own “mistakes” that set the toxic person off with the realization that this was likely nothing more than strategy and a control tactic on their part. How do you know the difference? Healthy people don’t lose their s*** over you talking to someone else at a party, being late on a report, or bringing up a sensitive issue. They share how they feel and you discuss it. Like adults.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Join our next group coaching program (starts January 2023) or Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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Want to learn how to work with relational trauma as a coach? Join our next Certification Program for Neuroscience, Coaching and Relational Trauma starting January 2023.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and an expert on the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.  She no longer takes responsibility for this kind of nonsense.