The trauma recovery space has many self-declared coaches who, although usually well-meaning and good hearted, are often are not trained or credentialed (just because you’ve been through trauma does not, unfortunately, mean you know how to help someone else safely and effectively). Conversely, trained professional coaches (who ideally hold a credential from the International Coaching Federation) can feel a bit reluctant to wade into waters they have been told belong to therapists, not coaches.
In this video, BEabove Leadership co-founders Ann Betz and Ursula Pottinga talk through why experienced coaches can and should work in this arena, with some specialized training, as well as who they feel it is appropriate to work with.
The selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? ~ Kahlil Gibran
I used to be the poster girl for positivity. You could count on me to find the sunshine on any grey day. To be a cheerleader for possibility. To find the way through. And so on. But the more that I heal from my childhood and other experiences, the less resonant I find this role. I’m just not a “good vibes only” person any more.
Why? Well, I’ve come to see that it’s often a spiritual bypass. That is, an unwillingness to have the messy, uncomfortable, difficult conversations and experiences that can transform us both personally and relationally. The bypass is wanting the benefits of feeling good without doing the hard work needed for a fulfilling life.
I had a boyfriend once who told me he didn’t love me when I was angry. I told him, well, then, you don’t love me. I can accept and even appreciate that you don’t enjoy being around someone who is angry. That it is a difficult emotion for you to be with. And even perhaps that I’m overreacting or being unfair. But I am a human, and humans — when they are healthy — feel angry sometimes.
Humans also feel sad, hopeless, confused, joyful, unsure, happy, and, well, meh. And while I understand that we tend to prefer the “positive” emotional states in ourselves and others (and am by no means an advocate of spreading misery or acting out in toxic ways), I have seen again and again that learning to be present to and include all my emotions is the way forward. Here’s a couple of reasons why:
ONE: The way through a difficult emotion turns out to be simple: sit with it. Don’t act out, but don’t suppress. Notice your feelings with curiosity and amazingly, they tend to pass.
TWO: Being present to difficult emotions deepens your ability to experience everything. Shutting down and not allowing feelings that are unpleasant compromises your ability to relish life, even if you frame it as “being positive.” As Gibran rightly says, the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
But what if the feelings are really hard to be with, or you can’t even find them in the first place because life has taught you to ignore the emotional aspects of yourself? Luckily, in this day and age there are lots of ways to get help. A trauma-informed coach or therapist can help you learn to find and honor all you are. It’s a process, but well worth it. There is no part of your being unworthy of love and acceptance, and healing means learning how to include it all.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and anexperton the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and feeling the feels.
In another post I talked about the Window of Tolerance, a concept originally developed by Dr. Dan Siegel to describe an optimal zone of stress response for a person to manage everyday life. When we are within this window, we can effectively deal with our emotions, but things that are triggering or upsetting tend to take us out of the window and challenge our ability to be present and cope.
This concept has really helped me think about healing in a non-binary way. That is, not whether we are “healed” or not, but a) how wide is our window, and b) is it expanding, no matter how slowly?
These questions can be powerful touchstones on the healing journey. I love it when clients realize something which used to take them out of their window longer does. For example, hearing about what their toxic ex is doing or catching a glimpse of them around town. Early on in the healing process, this sort of thing often stimulates a strong sympathetic nervous system response in the former target. We may experience an elevated heart rate, flushing and shaking, brain fog, etc. On some level, it feels threatening and scary and is outside what our system wants to tolerate.
But when the healing process progresses, our window expands and we may notice that our system responds less strongly. Heart rate may go up, but not as much. We may feel annoyed but can still think clearly. Often, there is still a sense of fear, but it moves within a range of tolerance.
So for me, the goal is to simply expand the window, however slowly that happens and however much time it takes. Here are a few simple thoughts as to how:
ONE: Reorient the idea of healing to this metaphor. Don’t expect yourself to be calm and centered no matter what. Tell yourself that it is normal that every person has a window of tolerance, and distress is the logical response when we are taken out of ours.
TWO: Celebrate small expansions along the way. Any calming of symptoms is a win. Any widening of the window is a success. Don’t focus on the fact that you still get triggered, focus on that the trigger is even slightly more tolerable than than in the past.
THREE: Focus on rebuilding yourself rather than any change you would ideally hope to see in them. Work with someone (a support group, a coach, a therapist etc.) who can help you reclaim your innate value and worth.
FOUR: Be thoughtful about the triggers you expose yourself to (if and when you have a choice). Be gentle with yourself and go as slowly with known triggers as you can. When it is not possible to avoid triggers (for example, you have to stay in contact with a very triggering ex because you are co-parenting), do anything you can to limit exposure, and see #2 above!
I used to live in an older house in the Midwest. Sometimes in the spring, the windows would stick closed because of the harsh winter. But with a little patience and sometimes a gentle thump, I always got them open again. I think we can be like that too. Our windows can feel like they are stuck closed due to the harshness we experienced. But please don’t give up on yourself, the spring air is longing to come in.
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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and anexperton the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and going slow sometimes.
Ann Betz is the co-founder of BEabove Leadership and anexperton the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma and human transformation. She speaks, trains and coaches internationally, and writes about neuroscience and coaching as well as relational trauma. Ann is also a published poet who loves cats, rain in the desert, and healthy relationships.
Welcome guest blogger Kate Hanrahan. She’s an expert in narcissistic abuse as well as the impact on the target’s nervous system. Here she shares her own story of how she continues to heal.
My first realization that I had dealt with extreme narcissistic abuse was revealed to me at a nail salon one day. I had just come out of a decade of unhealthy relationships and little did I know what what going to be in store for me. My friend had encouraged me to get a manicure with her, I think she wanted me to just get out of my place and try connecting with other humans again.
At the time, I was living like a hermit, afraid of everyone, unable to be in crowds or spaces with a lot of noise, and deeply reserved in conversations. The nail tech made small talk with me, it felt safe although I was pretty guarded, at the end, she started rubbing lotion on my hands. She held my entire hand and slowly rubbed the lotion in.
Suddenly I was in a puddle of tears.
I had been starved of human touch like that for close to a decade. My nervous system didn’t know how to handle the rush of chemicals that made me feel warm, protected, & cared for. I had a panic attack at that salon, retreated back to my home, & sat with the reality of the work ahead of me.
When we look at healing trauma, working on the mind and various emotional states, often times the nervous system can be overlooked. As a women’s health coach, I knew that there were major lifestyle changes I needed to make right then and there to help regain a wider capacity for “feeling.” This began years of work around regulating my nervous system.
One of the hardest parts of healing isn’t just the understanding of what happened, or how it got to be that bad, it’s the effort that has to go into making your body feel safe again. A critical part of our nervous system is the ability to fluctuate up and down within a certain window of tolerance.
A lot of relational trauma survivors find that after those harmful relationships end, they struggle to just exist in the world around them. For me, little things, like loud noises, or lots of moving bodies, took me out of this window and triggered panic attack after panic attack, leaving me exhausted, confused, & scared.
Our nervous system is designed to keep us safe, and recognize threats so we can act and keep our ability to survive, strong. Understanding this started the work on myself, and it fuels the passion around how I work with my clients inside my coaching practice today.
Working on my nervous system required a lot of time outside, grounding with the earth and the sun. It required rest, so much at times that I wondered if I was just depressed or really recharging.
In addition to connecting back to nature as often as I could. I had to make significant lifestyle changes. I had to minimize foods that were inflammatory in nature, understanding that chronic inflammation can and does affect the health of our brain. I had to keep my body moving, as often as I could, to avoid any of this pain becoming stagnant energy or toxicity. The only way past something, is through it.
I also had to forgive myself, and be ok with meeting me where I was at any given moment. Even if that meant clearing my schedule and resting for the remainder of a day. And I had to surround myself with humans that poured into me, and encouraged me to speak up, set boundaries, and forgive.
Part of my healing also meant that I had to be ok with never getting an apology, even though I knew I deserved one. I had to accept that my healing couldn’t just hinge on validation or revenge, although my anger craved it more than ever. I wrestled with hatred for a good bit of that time, and found the more I held onto it, just waiting for some type of justice. the more I kept my nervous system in a hyper-aroused state.
You cannot heal in the same places that hurt you, this includes states of your body and mind. Healing meant giving up everything I thought I knew about myself and others in the last decade of my life, and instead channeling all of the energy into forgiveness and intention around how I cared for myself.
It’s like trying to move through a hurricane, but thinking that if you just get to the center, to the eye of it, that you will be safe. It may be calm there, but you are still in it. Healing meant being brave enough to walk back through all of the destruction to finally leave it behind, and really learn from it.
Healing your body, mind, and nervous system after you experience any form of relational trauma may be one of the hardest things you have to do, but at the end of the day, having an opportunity to heal from pain, means that pain is over, and you did get out of it.
I survived that decade of my life, a decade meant to rob me of everything.
If healing means having an emotional moment with a nail tech here and there, I’ll take it, because it reminds that I am capable of feeling again.
Welcome guest blogger Kate Hanrahan. She’s an expert in narcissistic abuse as well as the impact on the target’s nervous system. Here she shares her own story of how she continues to heal. 
But Now I Know Your Name 